Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Your Face Looks Freaky ... Or, Why Plastic Surgery is Nutty

Plastic surgery. Addiction or lifestyle? It would seem to me that people would grasp the very basic concept of what looks 'good' or 'normal' and what is, alternatively 'crazy-looking' or 'alien-like' or 'horrifyingly unnatural.' Obviously, I overestimated people. Living in LA, one of the simple pleasures I find day to day is running into plastic surgery victims whilst performing daily tasks like grabbing lunch ... going to the dentist ... what have you. But as much as real people seem to be afflicted with this ridiculous disease of not realizing just how bonkers they look, celebrities seem to have it even worse. Homeboys and girls need a swift punch in the back of the head; a wakeup call with the loud and angry force of my brass knuckles.
...Totally kidding. About the brass knuckles at least. I WISH I could say the same thing for these plastic surgery crimes of nature.....

Case #1: The beach ball boobies
This photo highlights one of the few non-celebs on the list. She's just THAT good. I've named her Lareesha, and I will take her to the pool every day because if I'm ever drowning, all I'll need to do is shout is 'let me grab your breasts!' and I'll stay comfortably afloat.

Case #2: The male anti-ager
...and you thought females were the only ones crazy enough to hack up their face and replace it with Version 2.0: Younger and Crisper! I get such a kick out of the super-helpful soundbyte from a random doctor on this before and after photo series of the very unfortunate Rupert Everett. "This is an impressive difference!" Well, Dr. Glatt... what exactly is your definition of impressive?

Case #3: The young, misguided starlet
This finalist from the hit TV series "American Idol" clearly was listening to the wrong people. "Sure, you're in your mid-twenties, but damn girl, you're looking at LEAST 28! You should probably work on that." ...and work on that she did. Is there not an age minimum for botox and facelifts? There should be. Work on that.

Case #4: Mom said to do it!
Sure, we can't reaaaheally blame Joan Rivers' poor daughter Melissa for whatever upbringing she was subjected to from her nutty plastic-surgery addict of a mother. And in a similar vein, nor can we really blame her for wanting to emulate mamadukes. But really? Melissa, Melissa, Melissa. You could have just worn her clothes. *Also: doesn't she look a LOT like a Who from Who-ville? Really puts me in the holiday spirit.

Case #5: WHO are you? No. No way!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is our fair Ginger from Gilligan's Island. Poor, poor Ginger. When you got off that blasted island I'm sure you had no idea the doctors would attack your face like that. The next three hour tour leaves soon, I would recommend you get on it and hustle away from civilization ASAP.

Case #6: Maybe not plastic surgery, but still extremely frightening
I'll admit. Carrot Top always scared me. He scared me before his alleged face-altering and he scares me now. And nothing will change that. Go away, Carrot. (Is Carrot Top even a first and last name kind of situation???)
Case #7: Kittycat Syndrome
Unfortunately, when your face has been pulled so intensely into your hairline, after awhile, it pulls all your features to the edges of your face with it. Such a sad sight. So unavoidable. Meow!

Case #9: The face eating lips
Lisa Rinna. You beauty queen. Didn't anyone ever tell you to pick one feature and focus on it? Like, if you're going to inject your lips with so much poison they look like they will explode at any minute, you probbbably shouldn't have an eyelift, too. Overload.

Case #8: As if I could blog about plastic surgery and not include the originator
Hey! Guess what! When Michael Jackson was a kid, he used to both be black AND have a nose! Yea, I'm not lyin'! Google it! *Also: is that facial hair fake? What a time consuming morning routine THAT must be.

And because I couldn't imagine ending an entry about plastic surgery any other way than ANOTHER MJ treat......




  1. Very good and funny.

    People are crazy. I've earned my wrinkles and age spots. I'll keep them.

  2. Funny,

    I disliked Melissa Rivers before I saw her on celebrity apprentice - now i cant stand her

    wonder why kellie pickler did that? she was really pretty.


  3. You made me choke on my tea! OMG - sooo awful what these people put themselves through and worst of all... they think they look hot...

    You did forget Tiger Man, though. Or maybe he's a whole category all by himself.

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