Friday, August 21, 2009

Internet Dating,( Why if you havent done it, youre so totally single).

Hello Ass Stains,

In case you are about to scroll up and re-read the title of this post, that's right, I said it God damnit, if you haven't tried internet dating/ flaunting your shit/ participating in sexy hot singles online you clearly have no sense of adventure. But this is why we make blogs, to provide those who do not have access to information of which can be of use to the general public or those who are just too damn shy to talk to that sexy waitor in the suspenders at Saddle Ranch. And so I provide you with the following (gift cards to coffee bean will be sufficient as a thanks).

Step 1: Uploading SELF pictures taken of YOURSELF by YOURSELF in YOUR BED/BATHROOM SELF:

In order to shed your silly singlism and sustain a sexy stud (or studlette) it is important to follow the proceeding examples

Taking a picture of yourself in the mirror in your underwear is a MUST. It is important for people in the internet world to be able to see A. what type of under garments are perferred in the case of photo texting or the fictionally rare case you will meet. It is also important that B. we get to see the context of which you live. The female above (all images provided by Google Image) is seemingly living in a dorm/ apartment (check for those who live with mom or dad) and also seems to be tidy and has some great mood lighting! All of these are factors included in whether or not this girl would be a potential candidate in your online love match.

The self portrait must be taken at an arms length distance. This provides the mega pixels of the camera room for imagery doubt. If the camera is held any distance closer it is a sure fail that your online reputation will forever remain as the "hoe with a huge chin ass". So be careful with this approach, it is quite difficult and only recommended to Advanced myspace users.

GREAT! Now we are moving right along!

After your photos have been taken in many positions/ different hair styles/ change of clothing/ vertical and horizontal/ uploaded and photoshopped we can discuss some internet outlets that will be a sure way for you to find your true cyber creep ... I mean LOVER.


This is an oldie AND a GOODIE! Hot or not is the internets oldest form of showing the whole world your picture and NO ONE WILL JUDGE YOU! I know it sounds almost too good to be true and yes there is a catch. People are allowed to be honest. With a rating system provided under each photograph the public can vote on whether or not you should continue your quest to find an online romance, or whether you should get a new picture or just give up for life! For example the chick above will go on to create a profile with the proceeding social networks while Carot Top (with a soul devouring 1.7) will have to go on to have a show at the Luxor and have sex with girls who dont like him. Let's continue shall we?

Now, if you don't know what either of these sites are, I would tell you to go buy a computer but somehow you must have one if you are reading SnB and have missed the bandwagon. Ugh, Well these are social networking sites that are very very easy to stalk people on (LUCKY YOU!) They also allow you to post your socially approved photos of yourself and customize your profile to let others know what you hope to extract from your experience on the website (sexually of course).

My personal favorite, as a cousin of a friend of a sister who is a member, is the following dating site:

Yes J Date. If you guess Jigalo dating, well.. your wrong because Gigalo is spelt with a G. But if you guess Jew Date boy the hell are you right! Yes there just so happens to be a dating website if you are a JEW! See! Love is no longer for hippies and democrats, know Jews can post pictures of themselves online and find a person to mate with through the art of the internet as well! Chew it up swallow it, but savor it first. Just make sure that you really are a Jew before you sign up, BirthRight is also a prerequisit for membership. Sorry there are no fooling us Jews.

And finally if you are not Jewish (sorry that must be weird, whats that like?) there is one final option for your dating life to flourish. Unfortunately I cannot provide much information on this outlet because, well, I have a job and a blog which takes up far too much of my time, plus I dont wanna end up like one of those people whose skin starts to ferment to the couch.

This is a screen caption from the game War of WorldCraft or World of CraftWar, something. I have read... that this is also a fantastic way to meet a lady in a body that isnt yours in a world that doesnt exist! It actually sounds kind of fun, you can play a game fight villans bang a hot avatar chick, have the real chick who plays the avatar chick come over to your house and you can do it together! For eternity!! Or at least until both of your skin ferments to the couch and to one another. Now if that isn't the recipe for true love found over the internet then don't call me Shakespeare, but actually do because that is the formula.

-Shakespeare (aka Lo since 1616)

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Homeless Wiki: Or, I May Go To Hell For This One

Homeless people. So hard to categorize! At first glance they all seem so similar and .... without home. But take a closer glance and you'll see that this species is anything but....

[Sidenote: This entry, like all, is 100% in sardonic jest. I do not support nor feel any sense of happiness when homelessness is mentioned, just as I don't enjoy puppies being stomped on. I promise. Take this as fluffy fun, and feel better about yourself 'cause YOU didn't write it. Then go give a beggar a cup of coffee.]

Homeless #1: The animal trick

By far, I find this the most infuriating of homeless types. You've seen 'em all before. The many dude (or chick!) with the adorable homeless puppy/dog/kitten/bunny/panda bear curled up on a tattered blanket or in their lap. Bonus (or should I say 'demerits') points for if the sign displaced mentions said animal, ex: "Fido is so hungry." You dick. Why do you have a dog? That's just mean. Sure, he's getting tons of sun, but are you leaving your corner to go walk him? Does he have proper health care? It's one thing to let yourself rot on the streets, but little Fido never had a choice. The same goes for children. Duh.

Homeless #2: Straight chillin [boozin']

Until the alcohol starts to hit their system, these fellas wouldn't bother you with a ten foot pole ... that is, unless to ask for booze. Once it does, they will fully entertain themselves with the plastic flask of whatever happens to look good (be handed to them? be donated? How on Earth does a homeless person choose their weapon of choice?). They will sit there, suckling at the sweet teat of alcoholism until they pass out, not realizing they're on the street. In a way, this sleep is probably way satisfying; so maybe this breed has figured out how to remain 'happy' whilst living on the streets. Note: This group also tends to get loud/emotional/angry, so tread lightly around their presence. No one wants to get into a street barfight with a guy you can smell at fifty paces away.

Homeless #3: The merry gang

No home? Misery loves company. Check out your nearest seedy underpass, abandoned property, or shady drug-littered riverbank. A posse is right around the corner! These groupings are often highlighted by friendly fires, tent camps, and a feeling of group merriment and social warmth! And also, a super pleasant group stench.

Homeless #4: The techie

Although the gentlemen above that represents the Ultimate Age of Technology (slash Irony) also is representative of the hated/dreaded Homeless Type #1 - the animal trick, we will focus on his main quality. The fact this dude is so hooked up, he plopped himself down in a park with public wifi, to better peruse Ebays offerings, one can assume. But no- let's not come to that foul and unflattering conclusion. I'm sure he's purveying the offerings on, preparing his resume, and reading Twitter.

Homeless #5: The No Bullshitter

The competition for wittiest sign is often a merciless one. Not quite sure what the success rate is; after all, whilst I appreciate your honesty, I really do, I don't want to fund your drug addiction anymore than I want to fund my own. Sorry, pal.

Homeless #6: The sleeper

Man! Those homeless can sleep ANYWHERE! These guys are the best, 'cause you can just step over or around them, and you're no worse for the wear! Also, they should be congratulated for the abilities. I cannot personally cozy up on a bed of newspapers, nor can I sleep in the sun in three-digit heat, nor bundled up in 1 blanket in sub freezing temps. Human resilience at its finest!

Homeless #7: The architect

When young Ned emerges from his luxurious lair, he can enjoy a moment of sunbathing out on his deck, or perhaps a quick BBQ of rat he's caught in the sumptous blue tarp he calls home. WIN!

Homeless #8: The vet.

I have nothing to snark on them. They make me sad. God Bless America?

Homeless #9: I just couldn't end on veterans

These carside beggars are debatably even homeless, and I'd like to err on the side of 'no,' but I just couldn't end on the heartbreaking note of war veterans. These people piss me off. I want to enjoy a bit of fresh air, not your arm poking through my window. If you really think this is more productive than sitting on the side of the street, you are wrong (I think? I've never attempted either, to be honest). You are just annoying and you make me have to concentrate REALLY hard on the road whilst I'm stopped at a stoplight. Also, aren't you worried of getting run over??? Talk about job hazards!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Paul Abdul: The end of a career, the beginning of an era.

As most of you will be distraught to hear if you haven't done so already, one of America's most beloved critics has ninja stared her career in the back of the head with.. well.. a ninja star.

Paul Abdul, the best pop star to ever have lived on God's green earth decided to commit financial and public eye suicide this week by ending her career as the GREATEST JUDGE EVER on the hit phenomenon show "American Idol".

This was Paula's response:

Now as a mandatory guideline to being a citizen of America (like voting) we are required to watch American Idol (Cubans... be shocked). And as a civil duty this it will not be the same to perform without the overt enthusiasm and slurred positive reinforcement supplied by the prettiest woman on television, who let's face in Sarah but will probably now go on to be our first female cat dancing president.

But have no fear citizens, I... have supplied a way for us to choose as a country who will be the next American Idol judge to follow in the footsteps of Lord Abdul.

The options you should all be familiar with and remember your vote is purely confidential so be sure to post it on the comments portion following the candidates pitch.

Candidate Option #1: Charo

Charo, formally known as María Rosario Pilar Martínez Molina Moquiere de les Esperades Santa Ana Romanguera y de la Najosa Rasten is one of Spain's most beloved pop divas of this century. Some may even refer to her as the Spanish Paula Abdul. With a little Spanish flavor on the panel we could draw in a bigger Latino crowd of viewers to 'American Idol' and who knows, perhaps soon Mexico will have their very own 'American Idol'. I don't think you need a green card to audition and Charo will be a healthy advocate of diversity!

Candidate Option #2: President Barack Obama

What better judge to have for American Idol then the president himself. A. He knows good music. B. What he says goes. and C. He typically has his Tuesday and Wednesday evenings free. Naturally, America, I say 'Yes We Can' move forward from the loss of Lord Abdul, together we will move forward as a nation. I mean we can always skype him in while he watches from the Oval Office right?

Candidate Option #3: Tyra Banks

Let's face it. If there is anyone more judgemental and mentally disabled as Paula Abdul, then Tyra Banks would be it. Honestly I think she would be a good candidate because we could just slip her right in there and nobody would ever notice the difference.

Candidate #4: Joan Rivers AND Donald Trump

If you think Simon is bad, this dynamic duo will bring the drama! If contestants have enough balls to get up in front of that panel and sing, perhaps we should just send them straight to the front lines to fight in Iraq. It will make the season much quicker and we will get straight to the point. Plus the amount of ridiculous quibble that will ensue between the judges will be not leave much time for any singing and isn't that what you want any way America? Celebrities, FIGHTING? Screw singing... singing is so... 2006.

Candidate #5: Milli Vanilli

No one knows a good set of vocal chords like these guys. Imagine how many people they auditioned to finally get the right sound for THEMSELVES. No but honestly if one of them wasn't dead I think it would be a kinda smart idea?


Objectum Sexuality. Or, I've Seen It All Now.

Blog Note: My partner in blog slash crime, Lo, thinks that this story is false. Judge for yourself- this does seem a bit ... extreme. However, after some in depth, mind-numbing research, it would appear that unfortunately, she is horribly wrong. Typical.

And so, I present to you, the weirdest topic Snark N' Beans has ever faced: Obejctum Sexuality.

The "Objectum Sexuality" website describes this ... lifestyle ... as the following:

"Objectùm-Sexuality is an orientation to love objects.

Sexual orientation is defined as the nature of sexual preference while the prolific definition stands as: the direction of someone's sexual desire toward people of the opposite gender, people of the same gender, or people of both. This does not include objects.

However, orientation itself is defined as: a complex mental state involving beliefs and feelings and values and dispositions to act in certain ways. This does include objects as we see it.
We love objects and many of us in an intimate way and this feeling is innate. Objectùm-sexual love comes for most in a similar awakening as other sexualities at the start of puberty. This is often followed by an acute awareness that we do not relate to peers due to the source of the projected feelings. Often objectùm-sexual people feel outcast or pressured by mainstream sexuality with a helpless feeling that we cannot change what comes so naturally."

In laymans terms, these people are pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable to view romantically or not. Sure, I'll betcha that in the olden days of yore, homosexuality was viewed in a similar light- but c'mon people. Let's draw the line. People loving people = cool. People loving objects = debatable.
Sure, I love my Gucci loafers as much as the next designer diva, but that doesn't mean I go around spooning them at night. I don't hold dreams of our future together; with Gucci loafer #1 providing for us and our children (adopted, natch- don't be silly here!) and Gucci loafer #2 bringing home the bacon -- and speaking of bacon, that can get awkward sometimes, because my Gucci loafers have the WORST appetite! Going out to a restaurant with them can be sooo embarassing. I've tried to confront them about their apparent anorexia but .... oh. wait. THEY'RE SHOES.

Meet Amy Wolf. Amy, the subject of a recent news article.(

She is in love with a fairground ride called 1001 Nacht, for which she writes poetry. In case you're wondering, her lover, who I'm sure she tenderly refers to as "Nachty" (GET IT?!) is pictured above.

The article says of Amy that "...based on appearances, she seems like an out-and-proud lesbian, but has no interest in humans. She also loves a church banister, a banister in her home, and the Empire State building."
Well, it seems like Amy is a little bit of a minx, huh? How does she balance all of her lovers?? And good lord- how have none of them found out about the others?!

To the untrained eye, this might appear to be the Paris landmark, The Eiffel Tower. However, to a woman named Erika, it is her husband. She has since renamed herself Erika Eiffel. I wish I was joking.

In one of my personal favorite examples, this woman poses by the Berlin Wall on her wedding day. No, her wife- (yes, wife. Erika describes her lover as feminine) isn't cropped out of the picture. She's standing right next to it. The day is June 14, 1979, and they've been very happy since. But she doesn't like referring to the structure as "it" because "calling something an 'it' instantly means it's inanimate." She gets "a sense" of an object's gender. According to her, the Eiffel Tower is female.

Again, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
But what does this mean for the average person? How can we relate to what we would typically view as such deviant, debatably mentally unstable behavior? No need to fear. The smash hit feature film "Anchorman" finally gave the Objectum Sexuality followers someone in pop culture to look up to. And that man is Steve Carrell.