Monday, December 14, 2009

EXPOSED; Or, Why The World Can't Keep A Secret Anymore

So, by now you may have heard about some golfer who has apparently been running around on his wife with any woman who has two legs and a face. (And maybe even some without a face!) -- But I'm not going to talk about that. Not only because I could care less, except for the vague sympathy I have for his wife (and sponsors, OF COURSE) but because I think the 'outing' of a certain Cougar Forest (get it? do you see what I did there???) is more important as the lens to focus on the state of our society (Deep.)

You see, I myself had an enraging experience last night when I signed on to my computer to discover that no secrets are longer able to be kept. And why? Why have both Cougar and I befallen the same fate that allows our lives to be destroyed? Simple answer:


Now, bear with me. I digress a bit. If this blog post leaves you with any knowledge, it should be that there is an incredibly riveting television program on Sunday evenings. This program, airing on Showtime, is entitled Dexter. It is, quite simply, fabulous entertainment. If you haven't watched, I thoroughly implore you to do so. However, a fun fact that didn't-particular-matter-until-2thousandsomething is the fact that America's television programming airs in a staggered manner. Because of these *crazy* "lines" drawn haphazardly across the continental US called "time zones." See below.

These "time zones," or "t-zones" as all the hip cats are calling it these days, mean that original programming airs first on the East Coast, then Central, then Mountain, and so on. Meaning, whilst I am enjoying my 7pm dinnertime in Los Angeles, my good buddies over in New York City are plopping down to an evening of epic television programming that I won't even dream of watching for another 3 hours. DO. YOU. SEE. WHERE. I'M. GOING. HERE.

No? Another example.

The Oscars. Undoubtedly this is Film's Biggest Night Out. The stars are in their finest, and the good people of America are glued to their TV sets .... well, the good people of the East Coast, that is. Although the Oscars themselves are held, "live" (obviously), in LA, the residents of that very same city, whose traffic has been rerouted for this very event, will not watch these events unfold until 3 hours after they are actually happening.

And so, digression comes back full circle, as I show Exhibit 1: Star of Dexter's Personal Twitter Page. If you will note from this screenshot, Star of Dexter, Julie Bowen, makes note that all you bastards on the East Coast had better not ruin it for us innocent West coasters.

And yet, were her words heard? NO. By 7:45PM Pacific Time, I knew every major plot twist in the season finale of my favorite television show. And I know, wah wah wah, the world's tinest violin is playing. But I am an innocent victim here! A victim of time zones and, more importantly, just like Cougar, SOCIAL MEDIA.

When both the season finale of Dexter aired and when Cougar's dirty laundry aired, they were immediately scooped up by the general population and "tweeted," posted onto Facebook, turned into internet chat "statuses" and published and republished and skewed and announced on blogs around the world. A person would have to CLOSE THEIR EYES and hide under the covers just to avoid a news story, or, perhaps, a television spoiler, they didn't want to hear yet.

And so, as my angry rant comes to a close, I beg of you America --- think of the West Coasters. Sure, we act like we're all content, all warm and palm-tree-ified down here in LA, and I'm sure Oregon and Washington have nice aspects to them, as well. But I beg- and I beg for all of us. STFU.


Thursday, December 3, 2009

5 Role Models to ensure your Reality Show Pitch is a Success!!

Hello loyal readers of the S n B. We welcome you back after our hiatus period and realize that our advice and commentary is as necessary as ever in the economical time of recession. 
As some of you may or may not know, the most magical time of year is just around the bend....

This means fresh ideas are floating around the entertainment industry and the studio's are all ears! Now as an insider of the entertainment industry, I am a valid source for everything that is Television...and let me tell you a little secret, (reality tv is all the rage! shhh). So as a special holiday treat to all of you, I am letting you in on a few secrets ( key word here being secrets) to the path of your own  reality television success. Alright lets get to it!



Okay for those of you living in A CAVE without reality television or Perez Hilton... I give you Balloon Boy. Actually his name is Falcon Heene and if you don't know the tale of Balloon Boy, as your savor I shall enlighten you. (Those of your seeking a career as a reality tv thesp should take extensive notes). 
Falcon Heene is a boy of eight. One day he saw a small puppy (it was a Bassett Hound) crawl into a tiny opening on the side of his parents Space Craft Carrier. The carrier was still under construction and the parents had not learned how to pressurize the cabin, which inhibited the space craft from being aerial accessible. This child, after being inspired by the incredible 3 Dimensional visual trip of Disney's recent animation 'UP', saw opportunity to be the NEIGHBORHOOD hero. Young Falcon dove into the balloon after the puppy and as an evil villian crept up behind him and unhinged the balloon from its stakes. AWAY the balloon went carrying Falcon to far and unfamiliar places, only to land in a small town off an island near Zimbabwe. ONLY when the National Guard opened the cabin of the balloon, they found only the puppy! But where was young Falcon! The neighbors had seen him go into the balloon to save the Basset Hound coyly named Kibbles. As the search continued for Falcon, Falcon mysteriously emerged from the Attic of his home with scars and bruises and a copy of the classic "Jumanji" in his hands. 
No one knows what happened to poor Falcon that day, only that he is alive and safe, and his parents will be thrown into jail for having a space craft carrier and a copy of Jumanji. 
But the REAL secret to Falcon's reality stardom? Puke on national television during an interview, keep the mystery alive you little reality boy genius!


Okay so you may start to sense a pattern here. Most of these reality stars are famous because of some sort of magic. But I'm talking more than just your average smoke and mirrors here, I'm talking real serious crazy God magic. Yes Thomas Beatie is a man, who was once a woman..... now okay okay I know your like "wait! that doesn't count? but does it? huh?!" I know I felt a little cheated too when I heard Thomas Beatie used to just be Beatie (and not to mention a hot model!). But at this point I was already sucked into the story. I mean this guy really new how to milk it! And to be honest this is one reality show I wouldn't want to miss an episode of. It must be really interesting how a man with testosterone gets rid of all of that baby fat, and well their child will have a very inspiring story to tell at pep rallys as head cheerleader. I know by the following picture that the advertisement industry was very inspired by this story.
Yeah ladies! Treat yourself to a cocktail, let the man do the job it is 2010 isn't it?



Now don't be alarmed people, this is Octomom and this is natural. She has eight babies at one time in her tummy. Although Octomom did not have much success with getting her own reality television stunt, (which doesn't make much sense to me, I'm sure she has plenty of time on her hands as a single mom and all) there are other woman who popped out a whole litter in one sitting.
This is John and Kate, they also have eight babies. But this photo was taken before the reality drama because Kate could not afford shoes before the program hit the air. Honestly if you are a family of eight really the only logical way to pay the bills is to exploit yourself and your family for America's entertainment. It's sad but it's true and it makes everyone else happy so suck it up. Not to mention John and Kate have become one of the most successful reality thesps in the industry. And how do you know when you have reached the ultimate success? 
When other well loved/ known reality thesps are being you for Halloween!!!! (above Heidi and Spencer of the Hills) successors supporting successors, really its a beautiful thing this reality television.

I even found this photo of Shaquille O'Neal lending his loving support to team Kate after the ugly split. So yes you may have to pay the reality star price ($Yourhusbandsleepingwithhooker.00) but at least you can buy yourself shoes and Ed Hardy briefs!



This is the girl with TWO vaginas. Can you say next BACHELORETTE!! Well I can. And I think this girl should get to pick two guys. Woman of America, this is your new reality competition be afraid be very afraid, this chick uses some serioussss Magic. 



Alright you know you are on the path to success when, 
1. Nobody knows your actual name and you are now referred to as 'Balloon Boy', 'Octomom', or 'Virginian White House Crashers'. 
2. You have a camera crew on you (for free) from point A of the operation. 
3. You don't die (this is how America typically knows season two is coming)

I don't know about you guys but if these people get a reality show I want it to be something really juicy, none of that hair pulling, charity ball throwing bullshit. I want to see these people crashing Tea Parties at Buckingham Palace and stirring up some drama on a family's Islamic Pilgrimage to Mecca. These people mean business, and THIS AMERICA... is how reality should be.