Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Beautiful Babies: Or, Why I Regret Not Being A Pageant Princess

Ohh, the joys of children's beauty pageants. Popularized by overzealous moms everywhere (and by "everywhere," I'm obviously referring to the Bible Belt and the glorious section of the USA known to many as The Middle. The image above is of a magical and, I'm sure, talented young woman. Yes, I said it. Young woman. NOT a porcelein doll, nor an American Girl Doll figurine. She is made of flesh and bone, and although photoshopped to death, this is the Look her parents want for her. And so, I present to you, the Top Tricks To Becoming A Beauty Pageant Superstar.

#1: Get a great Photoshopper

God forbid you try to enter a pageant without first following the golden rule. Or, the Photoshop rule. No one wants to see your child's hideous freckles! Missing teeth? A surefire no-no. Naturally blonde eyebrows? Fill in those suckers. Basic contouring and shading found on the human face? YUCK. Cake on about 6 pounds of virtual makeup and you're ready to begin your quest in the spotlight.

#2: Posture.
Only the finest of the fine beauty pageant competitors have the skills, nay, BALLS, to pull off a tiara that is often quite larger than the entire upper torso of the said competitor. How do you expect to be a winner if you can't stand up underneath the weight of your prize? This little stunner knows where it's at. Too bad the weight of her crown has forced her to go cross-eyed. Shame.

#3: Don't be a boy.

This gentleman is pissed. He knows this shit just ain't for him. Furry top hat? No match for the glitz and glamour of a tiara. Bowties, not sparkly dresses? Send him to the T-ball field and make way for the ladies.

#4: It's never too early for collagen.

This feisty chica got the memo. If your toddler-self is already starting to droop and fade; by all means! Plump it up! Suck it in! Cut it out! It's never too early for a little bit of body modification. Look at those succulent lips! Thin lips = a beauty pageant surefire fail. Never hurts to be prepared; perhaps even carry your own kit with you for those last minute emergencies. You'll be the most prepared tot there!

#5: Big smile, bigger hair.
Crying is for babies. You're so far beyond that ... by at least four years. So grin and show those pearly whites .... but don't let it be the focus of your face. That title should fall to The Hair, the most important part of your body. Bigger the better. Think: Amy Winehouse. You should be able to hide at least 4 toys in there. FOUR.

#6: Accessories are key
In the real world, an oversized bonnet, three strands of pearls, AND diamond earrings would be SUCH a fashion faux pas. Well, forget everything you've ever learned about the real world. This is Pageant Town, State of Pageant, Country: Pageant.

#7: When in doubt, rep your patriotic pride
Sure, this little blossom of a child has the basics down pat. Jewelry: check. Face of makeup: check. Oversized hair: check. Being a girl: check. But you know what will take you that extra mile? Good ol' US of A. Lady Liberty would have wanted you to be a beauty queen. Do it for her.

#8: Pick a theme
If going All-American just isn't your cup of tea, why not try tying the little one together in some sort of theme? Here, we've displayed the classic Farmer-Flower Child look. Subtle, elegant ... perfection.

#9: Don't listen to whoever tells you otherwise; the 80's aren't dead
Pouffy cap sleeves, a magical aqua hue, a Bedazzler attack gone wild, a perfectly coifed updo with just those gosh darn two front pieced pulled down to elegantly frame your dark lipstick and liner ... Melrose Place would be so proud. Oh, you didn't hear? The show is making a comeback. TOLD YOU the 80's were back!

#10: It's all about the benjamins
Lest we forget, pageant winnings don't just stop at glittery crowns. COLD HARD CASH is the name of the game. ALWAYS. Hey, if mom and dad aren't pulling in enough greenbacks, no time like the present to reel in some earnings. We're in a recession!


  1. The inner pedophile in me just got a boner.

    Oh wait, I'm a girl and I don't like children.



  3. A tsunami of nausea comes over me when I look at these pictures. Shouldn't Children's Services have a special division for abuse like this? I know mom, "My kid loves to compete"...

  4. Technodoll just gave me a real boner.