Monday, May 11, 2009

"WAHHHH" Or, Why Children Should Be Banned

I'll admit. This syndrome I speak of, that of Highly-Irritated-By-Small-Children ... Syndrome, is quite possibly in fact hereditary. In fact, I suckled on a pacifier until age 7 because my mother couldn't stand the sound of a crying child. (In retrospect, I wonder why I ever gave up that satisfying habit.)

But seriously, folks. Children are a waste. Yeah, yeah. I grasp the general concept. Kids grow up to be mature, decision-making adults. 'They are our future' and all that crap. But they're our FUTURE, not our present! Presently, they're just shit-in-pants, crying, snotty (both literally and figuratively) little monsters. No, I'm not talking about YOUR kids. I'm sure they're precocious and delightful and completely not the norm. I'm talkin' about everyone ELSE's kids.

Above is an example of what my worst fear is whenever I board an airplane

A solution? I humbly propose some new governing laws by which America could be made a far better place.

1. No children in public between the hours of 6PM and 8AM. This makes life more bearable for the workers of the world. Mind your kid on your own time, moms (sorry- and dads! Grampas! Aunts! Caregivers!). When the sun sets; it's Adult Land. Meaning, unless its the early bird special, I don't want to see you or your kid frequenting the classy dining establishment I am [note: these rules obviously don't pertain to 'Kid Centric' locales such as but not limited to: Chuckie Cheese, daycare centers, and Toys 'R Us]

2. If you feel the need to bring your child out and about in the public forum, at least have the good graces to muzzle them and attach them to you via (very hysterical looking) kid-leash. But know, I will still be judging you.

3. If your child screams, cries, or otherwise attracts enough attention to disturb me from your daily life, take him away. Where? I don't particularly care. I hear Scotland is nice this time of year. Even better? Timbuktu.

4. Tweens. This could be a whole other post entirely, but I am aware I have not, nor will, specify ages on the 'child banning law.' Tweens could possibly considered a worse species subset than children altogether. What with their highly inappropriate need to feel like adults, or even the grating pitch of their un-pubertized voices, tweens should follow Rules #1-3.

[These are the faces of demons.]

So in conclusion, parents of America, do not take offense. These four simple rules will keep The Future Of America completely intact and ready for their time in the spotlight. However, that time is not now.

I leave you with a picture of this charming puppy, lest you forget what cute and precious things in this world actually look like.



  1. ha ha - brilliant!

  2. ROTF! your blog rocks - I've added you to my blogroll and will be back often!

    And remember...

    "children are for people who can't have dogs" ;-)

  3. Kid leash with shock collar attachment that anyone over the age of 19 can push a button and shock child and parent. The voltage increases with age to the point of crippling tweens and multiple shocks in one day will send said tween into cardiac arrest. I will begin the legislation to make this law effective immediately! Syden Insomniac is behind you!

  4. This is to thank you for your kind words about the Count's blog. Please "count" me as a follower of yours. it is a very witty blog. Ah! But, the Count
    is old. He has one son, two grandchildren, a lovely wife for 54 years and so, he belongs to a bygone time. But, he finds the present most interesting and particularly your take on it. Now, I must undergo a back operation, Friday, not to remove the 2x4 as some of my critics have maintained, but to have spinal-fusion so I can continue to walk. I should be back on post in a week. My best. Count Sneaky

  5. lol I love this. I hate how children can be with their attitude, but after they grow up they have this guilty-ness inside of them. Also, parents from America have to start beating no not abusively beating them, but like be strict like the Asian parents...they hardcore as fuck, but in a good way for the child to behave....sadly, in Indonesia, they are worse...they will scream their asses off and the parents don't fucking care...cuz you know why...cuz they have the money to have a bunch of nannies to deal with the kids...

  6. Oh man are tweens the worst! This is coming from a former 6th grade teacher, too.

  7. Am I going to hell for agreeing with most of this? LMAO!