"WAHHHH" Or, Why Children Should Be Banned

I'll admit. This syndrome I speak of, that of Highly-Irritated-By-Small-Children ... Syndrome, is quite possibly in fact hereditary. In fact, I suckled on a pacifier until age 7 because my mother couldn't stand the sound of a crying child. (In retrospect, I wonder why I ever gave up that satisfying habit.)

But seriously, folks. Children are a waste. Yeah, yeah. I grasp the general concept. Kids grow up to be mature, decision-making adults. 'They are our future' and all that crap. But they're our FUTURE, not our present! Presently, they're just shit-in-pants, crying, snotty (both literally and figuratively) little monsters. No, I'm not talking about YOUR kids. I'm sure they're precocious and delightful and completely not the norm. I'm talkin' about everyone ELSE's kids.

Above is an example of what my worst fear is whenever I board an airplane

A solution? I humbly propose some new governing laws by which America could be made a far better place.

1. No children in public between the hours of 6PM and 8AM. This makes life more bearable for the workers of the world. Mind your kid on your own time, moms (sorry- and dads! Grampas! Aunts! Caregivers!). When the sun sets; it's Adult Land. Meaning, unless its the early bird special, I don't want to see you or your kid frequenting the classy dining establishment I am [note: these rules obviously don't pertain to 'Kid Centric' locales such as but not limited to: Chuckie Cheese, daycare centers, and Toys 'R Us]


2. If you feel the need to bring your child out and about in the public forum, at least have the good graces to muzzle them and attach them to you via (very hysterical looking) kid-leash. But know, I will still be judging you.

3. If your child screams, cries, or otherwise attracts enough attention to disturb me from your daily life, take him away. Where? I don't particularly care. I hear Scotland is nice this time of year. Even better? Timbuktu.

4. Tweens. This could be a whole other post entirely, but I am aware I have not, nor will, specify ages on the 'child banning law.' Tweens could possibly considered a worse species subset than children altogether. What with their highly inappropriate need to feel like adults, or even the grating pitch of their un-pubertized voices, tweens should follow Rules #1-3.

[These are the faces of demons.]

So in conclusion, parents of America, do not take offense. These four simple rules will keep The Future Of America completely intact and ready for their time in the spotlight. However, that time is not now.

I leave you with a picture of this charming puppy, lest you forget what cute and precious things in this world actually look like.

-Li