Monday, September 21, 2009

6 Toys that prepare your Six year olds for the REAL WORLD.

Remember when the school bus was a place of gathering in which we could all transport to the school in peace and social naivety? When saying the words "do it" called for peer mockery and humiliation. When eating a banana was just snickered upon by the bus peanut gallery (well I suppose that hasn't changed) but you can relate!
Well no longer will school children take to this kind of childish behavior from other school children. Due to the increase in technological advancements the business of toy making has provided an easy education for your seven year old to now patronize those backseat bullies!

Here are some ideas for Santa's lap!

1. The Breast Feeding Baby
Now we all know that babies come from storks, or at least thats what I thought when I was old enough to play with dolls. Now a days kids color code their underwear due to "what base" they have gotten to under the school bleachers. So for those kids who are just a little bit ahead of the social norm, we bring to them this little gem. It's a baby doll that cries when you dont "breast feed it". Of course, if your six year old has breasts then playing with this doll should be the least of your concerns!

2. STD Plushiessss!!!
Now let me tell you. As an avid toy tester, there is nothing quite like cuddling up with a starfish shaped HERPES when you get scurred of monsters under your bed at 3AM. Actually I prefer these to the glowworm which was the staple of my time (considering the glow worm suggested a striking connotation to a ... well... Booger (eek!))

3. The Tattoo Self Starter Kit
This one is for the Hannukah list kids! Nothing says wholesome sweetheart than a kid who brings his own tattoo kit to a birthday party. Anyone up for a snake with boobies!??

4. The booby tassle top!
Nothing prepares a seven year old for the street like a booby tassle top. Great for Belly Dancing, Pole Dancing or really any kind of dancing a six year old in the year 2009 should be participating in. Notice the caption "Something for the Evening" (that was just so ripe in itself that I honestly have nothing more to snark about on the booby tassle top for six year olds).

5. Baby you can Shave!

Yes Kids thats right! YOUUU SHAVE THE BABY! I am not sure if it is because this baby is of Oriental decent or really why this baby is so hairy? Is there some sort of epidemic I am unaware of or is this what smoking pot will do to your children? Anyway, that is neither here nor there. The important thing is kids now know not only how to shave someone in the instance of booking a barber shop quartet gig, but also they will be less sensitive to baring a child with animalistic birth defects. WIN!

Oh and this will be as big as Tickle Me Elmo...

Barbie was busy.

(Pictures and inspiration due to


Monday, September 14, 2009

NY Fashion Week: Or, Why Do People Pay Thousands for Ugly Shit?

Ahh, New York's Fall Fashion Week. One of my favorite times of the year, personally. So many fun faces, styles, patterns, drapings, and most importantly, fashion disasters. While living in LA, I find myself pouring over the almost 24/7 coverage of the Week, be it via websites or Twitter (yes, I've resorted to up-to-the-minute coverage on Twitter. Don't judge me ... or just keep your mouth shut!)

But one of the best parts about NYFW are the disasters. Or at least, what I interpret to be disasters. Unlike couture shows, these clothes are made ready-to-wear .. in theory. Which is why it's so godamn fun to rip them to shreds and make the generalizing assumption that no woman in her right mind (or man- whatever. Your life!) would wear these garments walking down the street. And so I present to you, a possible PART ONE OF TWO (hold your applause) -- Liza's Official Critique of the Worst Looks Thus Far in NY Fall Fashion Week, or "LOC of the WLTF in NYFFW" for short.

Look #1: Whitney Eve

Now, I cannot judge this fashion designer that harshly ... for she is a 22 year old reality TV star. Whitney Port, star of MTV's rivetinggg hit series 'The City' and formerly 'The Hills' has turned into a fashion designer for no other forseeable reason than she was bored. Props to her; when I'm bored I turn to snacks. So poor Whitney, I'll give it to you gently. By telling a story. When I was little I had a tiny dog who loved to eat crayons. It was an intense fascination. When he pooped, he would always poop out little rainbows- I kid you not. Did you have a dog like this? Was he or she your inspiration for this particular look? If so, you nailed it. Props!

Look #2: Vivienne Tam

I can really appreciate when a designer gives an ode to murder victims by representing the pain, misery, and 'ouch!' factor of a stab to the heart with a lovely faux blood display cascading down the front of an outfit. Extra points to the model for not running with the theme and crawling up the runway, last breaths-style.

Look #3: Rosa Cha

Remember that great scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, where the delightful little Oompa Loompas and Gene Wilder and the gang are all wearing those bright white suits right before sending that giant candy bar across the room and reassembling it from the millions of little pieces into a smaller, television sized candy bar? Yup, Rosa Cha remembers. She even got the protective glasses down pat!

Look #4: LAMB by Gwen Stefani

"Whoopsie! I forgot pants! Good thing I will still keep warm with this blazer on top. My belly and upper arms always get so chilly."

Look #5: LAMB by Gwen Stefani

And to think, I always thought of sweatpants as lounge-wear, not business-wear. My eyes are now open. Thank you, Gwen.

Look #6: Jason Wu
Horrifying black lips aside, this dress looks as if it is ready to straight up take flight off the runway. For some inexplicable reason, the critics loved this look. I beg to differ. Jason Wu is the go-to designer for First Lady Michelle Obama. I reallly hope she doesn't pick this dress for an occasion, Glenn Beck would have a godamn field day. I can hear it now "OBAMA HATES AMERICA CAUSE SHE SLAUGHTERED A BALD EAGLE TO MAKE THIS DRESS!"

Look #7: Erin Fetherston

I don't know, it might just be too .... conservative for my taste. I like to show a bit more skin.

Look #8: Charlotte Ronson

Again, I'm going to ignore the annoying accoutrement on this look and focus on the clothing- or lack thereof. Thank goodness the lovely Ronson twin gave this poor model a scarf, otherwise she'd, like, totally freeze her butt off in this raw NY fall weather!

Look #9: Christian Siriano

I mean, I guess it goes without saying that its sooo obvious why Christian won last season of Project Runway. Who WOULDN'T wear this versatile and flattering one-piece?

Look #10: BCBG Max Azria

Maz Azria should know better than to pick models that will get so nervous before the show that they vomit up all of their morning's breakfast all over the front of their dresses. In the case of this unfortunate purger, it would appear she had a hearty meal of diamonds. and bling. 'Sup indigestion.

Look #11: BCBG Max Azria
You know that villain from Batman, Two Face? Turns out he had a daughter!

Look #12: Alexander Wang

Ugh, FINALLY. The PERFECT skirt to show off my new bellybotton ring slash pregnancy. And in such an exquisite color!

Look #13: Alexander Wang

Admittedly, Alexander Wang's collection WAS football/sports themed (I couldn't make this up if I tried) - but still. A modified snuggie with leather waist strap and matching helmet? Well, at least she'll be cozy at the big game?? "C'mon everyone! Huddle in my dress for warmth!"
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Don't worry folks, there are still 5 more days of NY Fashion Week to go. Expect more highlights soon.