Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Beautiful Babies: Or, Why I Regret Not Being A Pageant Princess

Ohh, the joys of children's beauty pageants. Popularized by overzealous moms everywhere (and by "everywhere," I'm obviously referring to the Bible Belt and the glorious section of the USA known to many as The Middle. The image above is of a magical and, I'm sure, talented young woman. Yes, I said it. Young woman. NOT a porcelein doll, nor an American Girl Doll figurine. She is made of flesh and bone, and although photoshopped to death, this is the Look her parents want for her. And so, I present to you, the Top Tricks To Becoming A Beauty Pageant Superstar.

#1: Get a great Photoshopper

God forbid you try to enter a pageant without first following the golden rule. Or, the Photoshop rule. No one wants to see your child's hideous freckles! Missing teeth? A surefire no-no. Naturally blonde eyebrows? Fill in those suckers. Basic contouring and shading found on the human face? YUCK. Cake on about 6 pounds of virtual makeup and you're ready to begin your quest in the spotlight.

#2: Posture.
Only the finest of the fine beauty pageant competitors have the skills, nay, BALLS, to pull off a tiara that is often quite larger than the entire upper torso of the said competitor. How do you expect to be a winner if you can't stand up underneath the weight of your prize? This little stunner knows where it's at. Too bad the weight of her crown has forced her to go cross-eyed. Shame.

#3: Don't be a boy.

This gentleman is pissed. He knows this shit just ain't for him. Furry top hat? No match for the glitz and glamour of a tiara. Bowties, not sparkly dresses? Send him to the T-ball field and make way for the ladies.

#4: It's never too early for collagen.

This feisty chica got the memo. If your toddler-self is already starting to droop and fade; by all means! Plump it up! Suck it in! Cut it out! It's never too early for a little bit of body modification. Look at those succulent lips! Thin lips = a beauty pageant surefire fail. Never hurts to be prepared; perhaps even carry your own kit with you for those last minute emergencies. You'll be the most prepared tot there!

#5: Big smile, bigger hair.
Crying is for babies. You're so far beyond that ... by at least four years. So grin and show those pearly whites .... but don't let it be the focus of your face. That title should fall to The Hair, the most important part of your body. Bigger the better. Think: Amy Winehouse. You should be able to hide at least 4 toys in there. FOUR.

#6: Accessories are key
In the real world, an oversized bonnet, three strands of pearls, AND diamond earrings would be SUCH a fashion faux pas. Well, forget everything you've ever learned about the real world. This is Pageant Town, State of Pageant, Country: Pageant.

#7: When in doubt, rep your patriotic pride
Sure, this little blossom of a child has the basics down pat. Jewelry: check. Face of makeup: check. Oversized hair: check. Being a girl: check. But you know what will take you that extra mile? Good ol' US of A. Lady Liberty would have wanted you to be a beauty queen. Do it for her.

#8: Pick a theme
If going All-American just isn't your cup of tea, why not try tying the little one together in some sort of theme? Here, we've displayed the classic Farmer-Flower Child look. Subtle, elegant ... perfection.

#9: Don't listen to whoever tells you otherwise; the 80's aren't dead
Pouffy cap sleeves, a magical aqua hue, a Bedazzler attack gone wild, a perfectly coifed updo with just those gosh darn two front pieced pulled down to elegantly frame your dark lipstick and liner ... Melrose Place would be so proud. Oh, you didn't hear? The show is making a comeback. TOLD YOU the 80's were back!

#10: It's all about the benjamins
Lest we forget, pageant winnings don't just stop at glittery crowns. COLD HARD CASH is the name of the game. ALWAYS. Hey, if mom and dad aren't pulling in enough greenbacks, no time like the present to reel in some earnings. We're in a recession!

Don't feel sorry for yourself, I know of 5 jobs worse than yours.

Dear America,

I know that we are in times of hard economic crisis. Times we wished we could quit our jobs and find something better, more exhilarating then the average desk work. But look at the bright side, you have time to read Snark N Beans! ANDD at least you don't have to perform any of the following demeaning tasks on a daily basis that would make you blubber yourself to sleep at night like Jeff Conaway on another season of Celebrity Rehab. So count your lucky stars America, I am about to make you feel SPECTACULAR about working at your local Reebok. 

Chosen Career Path to Avoid #1: DOG FOOD TESTER

Now Folks. Most of us get an hour lunch break demanded and instated by the good people who brought us the constitution. To want to test dog food, just does not seem like a human possibility. Why not have dogs test dog food, or criminals, or.. hell..even career busted child stars. I don't care how much this job pays people, it is about keeping your dignity, and not having crunchy lamb and cheddar bits breathe when you go home to kiss your kids and wife. 

Chosen Career Path to Avoid #2: TAMPON TESTER

Okay now I know this photo is a little silly because if you know how to read you know the only place you would use a tampon on the facial region is for a bloody nose. But I am almost 78% sure that that is not the requirements for a tampon tester. If it is, well then I suppose I am mistaken and this isn't the worst career chose in the world, as long as you can test them in the comfort of your own privacy. But if you have to test a tampon in the intended 'location', then I would imagine they give you some sort of oral fixture that also makes you have an indefinite menstrual cycle, and that is the most indecent part.

Chosen Career Path to Avoid #3: WHISKEY AMBASSADOR

Now to some people, this career path seems like a dream. But I shall forewarn you that in fact, it is highly unpleasant. Mostly to those around you. Look at Paula Abdul for example. Fact: Paula Abdul used to test whiskeys in a Scandinavian country from the age of 15 to 16 along with dancing in a nightclub. Now if this poor drunk is not a victim to multiple career failures, she is a victim to one. Whiskey Ambassador. Hangovers included, America.

Chosen Career Path to Avoid #4: Porta Potty Servicer

For most this would be a big fat duh. Others who like to live on the edge and have a sense of adventure consider this career over scooping ice cream at Haggen Daz. Well be my guest America but your opinion will be swayed after the morning adventure of tending to the 21st annual Porta Potty Down Hill Spectacular hosted by Kappa Delta Gamma. Consider this your warning thrill seekers.

Chosen Career Path to Avoid #5: Flatulent Smell Reduction Underwear Maker.

Okay here is the twist. Making cute hand woven underwear is much appreciated by those who like to participate in pleasurable bedside manner. Making underwear for those who have a stinky ass is much, much more challenging, yet I could see the reward for both the victim and the culprit. I'm not sure how, and I am not sure why, but SOMEBODY has this job. And count your blessings that you don't have to make underwear the dilutes someone's poor lunch choices.


Friday, May 22, 2009

Family Ties: Or, Why The Family Portrait Tradition Should Never Die

Ohhh, the glory days of family portraiture. How else would you remember those who gave birth to you, or those offspring of yours that have disappeared off to nursery school and/or college, never to return again? But, as all families should know, portraits must be a direct reflection of the family. Meaning, for example, if mama and papadukes met and conceived little Elvira at a 1980's hair band concert (and by 'at' the concert, clearly, I'm referring to the ladies restroom in the mezzanine), why not represent that for all eternity, printed on photo paper and framed and placed above the fireplace? Below, some other familial treats.

Now, imagine you are a shopping mall glamourshots booth worker. Now imagine that young Rupert and Evelyn are your first customers of the day. Now imagine them both taking off their tops within moments of arriving in the studio. Can you say 'long day'?

This is pure Jew-Jealously. As a member of the Chosen People myself, I can only dream of days in which i case a family as JewThug as this fine Goldenbergenstein family.

Some families REALLY dig Disney. I didn't fully grasp that concept until I visited Disneyland for the first time and was a back shocked slash horrified at the visiting crowds. Now, I support the Rasheem family for their dedication to the film Aladdin, but they could have at least taken it that extra step and gotten a REAL tiger. Cheapskates.

The positioning in this picture is tooo good. Whilst out on a family picnic one lovely Sunday day, all wearing their Sunday Whites, the Smithson family realized that low-hanging branch was a prime perch for spending a lazy afternoon.

Horrifying. So many questions are raised after seeing this picture. Mainly: Were the costumes provided by the photo studio, or are they pre-purchased? How did they each pick characters? And, most importantly, does little Matthew know he's going to grow up and get beaten up behind the playground every day for this shot?

The Blackley boys knew they'd never get a chance to go to a REAL prom, so they asked big sisters Becky and Tina to help them recreate the magic. The girls happily obliged.

And I leave you with one important family-portrait-taking note. Always watch those hands. Greg is going to get an earful from Pops later. "You need to respect your mother, Greg! Hands off the goods!"

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Celebrity Baby Names- They don't suck, youre just jealous

Celebrities have always been ahead of the modern civilian in forms of technology, dialogue, fashion (see diagram A-1). 

Take this image of Lady Ga Ga for instance. I mean this just makes sense. Why go naked when you can wear SPANDEX. DUHHH America.
But this entry is not about the modernism of the "Lady" (whom post apocolyptic society will refer to her as in their version of the Torah).
No no my friends, this entry is about the jealousy that you have all felt about the awesomeness of the post modern 'Celebrity Baby Name'. (I just wanted to include the above picture because... because.)
Naming your baby something wild is no longer a form of rebellion in the celebs-reality, instead it is an initiation process. If you can handle baring a child of such utter awesomeness you must name it something equally as awesome so that people in school will make fun of him only one day for them to emerge as another kick ass 13 year old rockstar with an already troubled past. Now it is easier then you think if you want to follow the celeb baby naming trend and therefore produce your own celebaby. Just follow these simple trends and rules, and your baby will be taking karate lessons, speaking Creole and practicing Kabbalah by the age of ten. 
1. Flowers are the new fruit.
Hello under the rock America, this is baby Apple. Child of non other then the ultimate rocker Chris Martin of Coldplay, not to mention he married Gwen Paltrow. Celebs have gotten over naming their babies after the lust smell of a spring morning and have modernized headlining their children after citrus delights. I mean look at delightful little Apple, you might think she is listening to her daddy rockin out on album entitled Viva La Vida, but no my friend, Apple is listening to Harry Potter and The Sorcers Stone... on tape... in French. Those celebabies!!
 2. Names that make your baby one with the earth.
Poppy Honey: Jamie and Jules Oliver (also parents to Daisy Boo)
Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily: Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence
The Original SocioModernisticCelebFamlioso

Look at this family. Sage Moonblood has been bread since the cradle to be the ultimate ninja girl of this century. She is actually practicing her jump kick in this actual photo if you look close enough. And where is Sage Moonblood now? Only the CIA has a clue, and maybe Perez.
Case: Ninja Baby.

3. Your celebaby may also be named after a sound that could mistaken for a sneeze. 
Aanisah: Macy Gray (also mother to Tahmel)
Diezel Ky: Toni Braxton and Keri Lewis (also parents to Denim Cole)
Tallulah: Bruce Willis and Demi Moore (also parents to Scout and Rumer)
Or personally the sneeze I am most jealous not to be named:
Baby Zuma

I think this goes for the most obvious reason, if you are named after a sneeze, people will continually bless you. And well, a blessing is a blessing, and let's face it, these poor children will get made fun of enough during school, but not at youth group.
Celebaby Safe Zone: Youth Groups and Scientology Centers.

4. When all else fails close your eyes and open a dictionary.

This may sound snarkish to you, but in fact this has been a secret ritual passed on by many celebs in choosing the babiest of baby names. Of course you must go in with the mentality that your baby will forever, be just, a baby.
Rufus Tiger: Roger Taylor also father to Tiger Lily and Lola Daisy
Moon Unit: Frank Zappa, also father to Dweezil and Diva Muffin
Memphis Eve: Bono
Pilot Inspektor: Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf
And the number one celebparents that think there baby should be the inspiration for an 80s cover band:
Baby Zuma
I think this goes for the most obvious reason, if you are named after a sneeze, people will continually bless you. And well, a blessing is a blessing, and let's face it, these poor children will get made fun of enough during school, but not at youth group.

Celebaby Safe Zone: Youth Groups and Scientology Centers.

4. When all else fails close your eyes and open a dictionary.

This may sound snarkish to you, but in fact this has been a secret ritual passed on by many celebs in choosing the babiest of baby names. Of course you must go in with the mentality that your baby will forever, be just, a baby.
Rufus Tiger: Roger Taylor also father to Tiger Lily and Lola Daisy
Moon Unit: Frank Zappa, also father to Dweezil and Diva Muffin
Memphis Eve: Bono
Pilot Inspektor: Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf
And the number one celebaby that will one day be the inspiration for an 80s cover band:
Audio Science
'Nuf Said. 


The Stranger Hug: Or, Why I'm Awkward

You know when you were a kid, and, being at waist-height eye level of normal sized adults, you would often run up to and hug or attack strangers in public ex. at the grocery store, thinking they were your parents? Well, I've grown up to proper height these days (ok, fine, I'm still a tiny little white girl) and I seem to be stuck with this childhood problem. Granted, I'm awkward pretty much 24/7, but the stranger hug, or even the stranger shoulder tap or overenthusiastic hello seems to be programmed into my DNA.

I have sought long and hard for a cure, including a prescription for glasses, more careful monitoring of my actions, and yet still - I find myself almost daily reaching out to a stranger, fully convinced they're a pal. Yesterday, whilst picking up my blog partner Lori from the airport, I even slowed to a halt at the curb to retrieve her ... and it was an old fat lady (Sorry, Lori!!) So what do I do? Accept my fate as a lover to the anonymous? Revel in my awkwardity? (Note: this is a new word I just invented this moment. Lovesit!) I suppose I've run out of options.
Moral of the story: next time a stranger reaches out for a hug; go for it. It's probably me ... and I probably don't know any better.
PS. This blog will be featuring a fun new game! For every 3 days that my blog partner Lori forgets to post, I will post an embarassing picture of her from my iPhoto archive. Enjoy, readers!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Hellish Skies: Or, Why Flying Sucks These Days

Sigh. The heyday of flying; the glory days when stewardesses were allowed to be called stewardesses and not 'flight attendants' or 'mid-air helpers' or 'butlers of the sky.' When skirts were high and inhibitions were low. When the prospect of joining the mile high club seemed pretty damn good. Granted, I wasn't around/alive for any of this, but movies like Catch Me If You Can (mmm, Leo DiCaprio. You can be my Titanic lover anyday) harken young'ens like me back to a better time, a more fabulous time. A time when flying didn't completely blow chunks.

Now, I have just returned from a quick jetset from one coast to the other in this great country of ours. And, being no stranger to flying frequently, on all different airlines, I feel as if I have some credibility in taking the airlines to task for being so godamn awfully painful to fly with.
This is not your parent's Age of Aviation. This is the post-recession age of Fear, Tediousness, and Lines. Not necessarily in that order. Even from starting point at the airline ticket counter, where you meander through rollercoaster-length rides, inching along at the pace of a snail, flashing your ID to every bored and/or angry and/or could-care-less security guard - flying is a chore!

One would only hope that the airline officials get better and more efficient as you move through the airport, but no. Gone are the days of the suave, sleek, much-sought-after, debonaire pilot. Instead we get bozos like this guy, assisted by crews of stewardesses, nay, FLIGHT ATTENDANTS, that seem irritated beyond belief if a passenger dares ask for some bold request, say... a blanket. Or a smile.
Gone are the day of the luxury flight, with airlines plying you with enough booze to knock out a horse. Hell, you can't even get soda on some airlines without paying cash mid-flight for it! (note: when I first encountered this on a domestic flight, I was so enraged I almost opened the emergency door and bailed out mid flight)
And don't even THINK of being fed. Gone are the days of airplane food that one could poke at and mock with glee. "Chicken a la king? More like Chicken a la GROSS!" You're lucky if you even get peanuts anymore ... but of course most airlines don't give out peanuts. Allergies, people! ALLERGIES!

Remember when you could seamlessly glide from parking lot to terminal to gate in under an hour? When you could wear shoes whilst getting scanned for potential weapons? When you could *gasp* bring an outside drink into the airport .... all the way to the terminal? When loved ones could meet you at the gate? When seats had not shrunken to the size of doll chairs? When headphones were complimentary?
I don't. I was just wondering if you did.
Thanks, Osama. I blame you for all of this. Get out of your cave in Afghanistan, or Alabama, or Albania, and come take some responsibility for the destruction of the modern airline. Or else. This is your final warning!

Friday, May 15, 2009

We're college grads! Or, why you won't be hearing from us this weekend.

This will be Lori all weekend.
I will be pleasantly drunk, yet still cool, fashionably hip, and reasonably in control.
Ahh, who are we kidding. See you on Tuesday, lovely readers!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Your Face Looks Freaky ... Or, Why Plastic Surgery is Nutty

Plastic surgery. Addiction or lifestyle? It would seem to me that people would grasp the very basic concept of what looks 'good' or 'normal' and what is, alternatively 'crazy-looking' or 'alien-like' or 'horrifyingly unnatural.' Obviously, I overestimated people. Living in LA, one of the simple pleasures I find day to day is running into plastic surgery victims whilst performing daily tasks like grabbing lunch ... going to the dentist ... what have you. But as much as real people seem to be afflicted with this ridiculous disease of not realizing just how bonkers they look, celebrities seem to have it even worse. Homeboys and girls need a swift punch in the back of the head; a wakeup call with the loud and angry force of my brass knuckles.
...Totally kidding. About the brass knuckles at least. I WISH I could say the same thing for these plastic surgery crimes of nature.....

Case #1: The beach ball boobies
This photo highlights one of the few non-celebs on the list. She's just THAT good. I've named her Lareesha, and I will take her to the pool every day because if I'm ever drowning, all I'll need to do is shout is 'let me grab your breasts!' and I'll stay comfortably afloat.

Case #2: The male anti-ager
...and you thought females were the only ones crazy enough to hack up their face and replace it with Version 2.0: Younger and Crisper! I get such a kick out of the super-helpful soundbyte from a random doctor on this before and after photo series of the very unfortunate Rupert Everett. "This is an impressive difference!" Well, Dr. Glatt... what exactly is your definition of impressive?

Case #3: The young, misguided starlet
This finalist from the hit TV series "American Idol" clearly was listening to the wrong people. "Sure, you're in your mid-twenties, but damn girl, you're looking at LEAST 28! You should probably work on that." ...and work on that she did. Is there not an age minimum for botox and facelifts? There should be. Work on that.

Case #4: Mom said to do it!
Sure, we can't reaaaheally blame Joan Rivers' poor daughter Melissa for whatever upbringing she was subjected to from her nutty plastic-surgery addict of a mother. And in a similar vein, nor can we really blame her for wanting to emulate mamadukes. But really? Melissa, Melissa, Melissa. You could have just worn her clothes. *Also: doesn't she look a LOT like a Who from Who-ville? Really puts me in the holiday spirit.

Case #5: WHO are you? No. No way!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is our fair Ginger from Gilligan's Island. Poor, poor Ginger. When you got off that blasted island I'm sure you had no idea the doctors would attack your face like that. The next three hour tour leaves soon, I would recommend you get on it and hustle away from civilization ASAP.

Case #6: Maybe not plastic surgery, but still extremely frightening
I'll admit. Carrot Top always scared me. He scared me before his alleged face-altering and he scares me now. And nothing will change that. Go away, Carrot. (Is Carrot Top even a first and last name kind of situation???)
Case #7: Kittycat Syndrome
Unfortunately, when your face has been pulled so intensely into your hairline, after awhile, it pulls all your features to the edges of your face with it. Such a sad sight. So unavoidable. Meow!

Case #9: The face eating lips
Lisa Rinna. You beauty queen. Didn't anyone ever tell you to pick one feature and focus on it? Like, if you're going to inject your lips with so much poison they look like they will explode at any minute, you probbbably shouldn't have an eyelift, too. Overload.

Case #8: As if I could blog about plastic surgery and not include the originator
Hey! Guess what! When Michael Jackson was a kid, he used to both be black AND have a nose! Yea, I'm not lyin'! Google it! *Also: is that facial hair fake? What a time consuming morning routine THAT must be.

And because I couldn't imagine ending an entry about plastic surgery any other way than ANOTHER MJ treat......



Monday, May 11, 2009

"WAHHHH" Or, Why Children Should Be Banned

I'll admit. This syndrome I speak of, that of Highly-Irritated-By-Small-Children ... Syndrome, is quite possibly in fact hereditary. In fact, I suckled on a pacifier until age 7 because my mother couldn't stand the sound of a crying child. (In retrospect, I wonder why I ever gave up that satisfying habit.)

But seriously, folks. Children are a waste. Yeah, yeah. I grasp the general concept. Kids grow up to be mature, decision-making adults. 'They are our future' and all that crap. But they're our FUTURE, not our present! Presently, they're just shit-in-pants, crying, snotty (both literally and figuratively) little monsters. No, I'm not talking about YOUR kids. I'm sure they're precocious and delightful and completely not the norm. I'm talkin' about everyone ELSE's kids.

Above is an example of what my worst fear is whenever I board an airplane

A solution? I humbly propose some new governing laws by which America could be made a far better place.

1. No children in public between the hours of 6PM and 8AM. This makes life more bearable for the workers of the world. Mind your kid on your own time, moms (sorry- and dads! Grampas! Aunts! Caregivers!). When the sun sets; it's Adult Land. Meaning, unless its the early bird special, I don't want to see you or your kid frequenting the classy dining establishment I am [note: these rules obviously don't pertain to 'Kid Centric' locales such as but not limited to: Chuckie Cheese, daycare centers, and Toys 'R Us]

2. If you feel the need to bring your child out and about in the public forum, at least have the good graces to muzzle them and attach them to you via (very hysterical looking) kid-leash. But know, I will still be judging you.

3. If your child screams, cries, or otherwise attracts enough attention to disturb me from your daily life, take him away. Where? I don't particularly care. I hear Scotland is nice this time of year. Even better? Timbuktu.

4. Tweens. This could be a whole other post entirely, but I am aware I have not, nor will, specify ages on the 'child banning law.' Tweens could possibly considered a worse species subset than children altogether. What with their highly inappropriate need to feel like adults, or even the grating pitch of their un-pubertized voices, tweens should follow Rules #1-3.

[These are the faces of demons.]

So in conclusion, parents of America, do not take offense. These four simple rules will keep The Future Of America completely intact and ready for their time in the spotlight. However, that time is not now.

I leave you with a picture of this charming puppy, lest you forget what cute and precious things in this world actually look like.