Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Don't feel sorry for yourself, I know of 5 jobs worse than yours.

Dear America,

I know that we are in times of hard economic crisis. Times we wished we could quit our jobs and find something better, more exhilarating then the average desk work. But look at the bright side, you have time to read Snark N Beans! ANDD at least you don't have to perform any of the following demeaning tasks on a daily basis that would make you blubber yourself to sleep at night like Jeff Conaway on another season of Celebrity Rehab. So count your lucky stars America, I am about to make you feel SPECTACULAR about working at your local Reebok. 

Chosen Career Path to Avoid #1: DOG FOOD TESTER

Now Folks. Most of us get an hour lunch break demanded and instated by the good people who brought us the constitution. To want to test dog food, just does not seem like a human possibility. Why not have dogs test dog food, or criminals, or.. hell..even career busted child stars. I don't care how much this job pays people, it is about keeping your dignity, and not having crunchy lamb and cheddar bits breathe when you go home to kiss your kids and wife. 

Chosen Career Path to Avoid #2: TAMPON TESTER

Okay now I know this photo is a little silly because if you know how to read you know the only place you would use a tampon on the facial region is for a bloody nose. But I am almost 78% sure that that is not the requirements for a tampon tester. If it is, well then I suppose I am mistaken and this isn't the worst career chose in the world, as long as you can test them in the comfort of your own privacy. But if you have to test a tampon in the intended 'location', then I would imagine they give you some sort of oral fixture that also makes you have an indefinite menstrual cycle, and that is the most indecent part.

Chosen Career Path to Avoid #3: WHISKEY AMBASSADOR

Now to some people, this career path seems like a dream. But I shall forewarn you that in fact, it is highly unpleasant. Mostly to those around you. Look at Paula Abdul for example. Fact: Paula Abdul used to test whiskeys in a Scandinavian country from the age of 15 to 16 along with dancing in a nightclub. Now if this poor drunk is not a victim to multiple career failures, she is a victim to one. Whiskey Ambassador. Hangovers included, America.

Chosen Career Path to Avoid #4: Porta Potty Servicer

For most this would be a big fat duh. Others who like to live on the edge and have a sense of adventure consider this career over scooping ice cream at Haggen Daz. Well be my guest America but your opinion will be swayed after the morning adventure of tending to the 21st annual Porta Potty Down Hill Spectacular hosted by Kappa Delta Gamma. Consider this your warning thrill seekers.

Chosen Career Path to Avoid #5: Flatulent Smell Reduction Underwear Maker.

Okay here is the twist. Making cute hand woven underwear is much appreciated by those who like to participate in pleasurable bedside manner. Making underwear for those who have a stinky ass is much, much more challenging, yet I could see the reward for both the victim and the culprit. I'm not sure how, and I am not sure why, but SOMEBODY has this job. And count your blessings that you don't have to make underwear the dilutes someone's poor lunch choices.



  1. Hey! How'd you know I worked at Reebok???

  2. Up until I read this, I always wanted to be Paula Abdul. Not like her; ACTUALLY her. Now, not so sure. I might want to service Porta-Johns instead.