Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Things Celebrities Like, so you better like them too GOD DAMNIT.

Good Afternoon Children of the Interweb,
Today I would like to talk to you about a little thing I like to call "interests". Many of you have interests such as horse back riding, cooking, drinking, boche, scrabble in your moms high heels, taco tuesdays at Wahoo's, and other interests that go without saying. Well as I have said before and will say over and over again, Celebrities are people too. They have interests just like us. It is part of my "interest" to find a way to compare and humanize celebrities in order to relate to them, seeing that living in Los Angeles very much disconnects me with these other worldly creatures. 

The story goes like this. 
One day when I was scanning the book store for an apparent 'classic' that was recommended to me. It was entitled "Dewey, The Small Town Library Cat Who Touched The World". Refer to 

Shortly after discovering this novel, another book caught my eye something more fascinating and culturally in depth, something that would educate me on a topic that was foreign and completely irrelevant to my way of life, yet it intrigued me to a degree of which I can only demonstrate with a facial expression. The book was called "Stuff White People Like". See A-2

Now this got me thinking... If someone can interpret the most complicated of species... Caucasian's... then perhaps I can analyze the third most complicated of species, the CELEBRITY! If Perez can attempt, well by Godsakes America so can I.
The following are just a sampling of some "interests" I believe may be "Stuff Celebrities Like".
Teehee. Tom Cruise ISSSS silly. He thinks:

No lie. Really. He does. So do other celebrities, Rule number one on the path to becoming a celebrity, get rid of this dude! ASAP! He sent other aliens to take over yours and Tom Cruise's body. SEE CELEBRITIES ARE JUST LIKE US!

This is a car. Not to be confused with a Toaster. I don't know what kind of car, don't ask me. If I were to guess..hmmm I would imagine it would be called Christian Bales Vagine VM8. If you don't believe me that this car will also warm your ego waffles, take a look at the image below:
See Toaster. 
The only people that would drive these are the shameless celebrities who have an ego large enough to make toast the same size. Yup.


 This dog is dressed like Strawberry Shortcake. No it's not Halloween, no he is not FEMALE, actually. How about this PETA, how about you back off OBAMA for his fly swattage and get on top of the cruelty that is Paris Hilton. 

DISCLAIMER: Not all things celebrities like are good. They also like fur, basketball and annorexia. See where I'm going with this?


In the photo above is a demonstration of Lindsay Lohan wearing her jail bracelet around her ankle. I think this less a safety device and more a fashion statement. I mean Chanel thought so when she made these:

Thanks for this Lindsay. Thanks for this alot. 


Friday, July 10, 2009

Drivers Across The Great US of A: Or, Why Bad Driving is Bi-Coastal

'From sea to shining sea' .... there are drivers that are completely idiotic, unsafe, unwise, and all around pretty damn shitty. I will take no exception from this, as I definitely fall into one of the categories below [which one? you'll have to speculate...!] But enough about me. Let's take a looksie at some of my favorite groups of Worst Drivers In America!

The New York City Driver

NYC drivers for too long have not had their moment in the glorious spotlight of Worst Drivers In America. For TOO LONG have cabbies proudly held the attention of the world- and no longer! Although cabs amount for a majority of horribly offensive city driving, the residents of NYC drive in exactly the same way they act. Brashly, rudely, aggressively, and with no concern for others.

Do not let this be confused with Boston or NJ drivers. Each breed is slightly different. NYC drivers are of the opinion that they are above mere mortals; being those scummy public transportation riders.

The honor bestowed upon a resident of NYC, especially Manhattan, that owns and drives their own car, is not one taken lightly. After all, the assumption is that if you've already dropped the dough for a private parking space and or fought your neighbors tooth and nail for streetside parking relatively close to your apartment- you deserve it! And, after all, what more NYC mentality is there than 'I deserve the best because I AM the best' ?

The Rainy LA Driver

Los Angeles is a lucky city. Its drivers get broken up into subcategories; the Rainy Day Driver, and the Sunny Day Driver. Fortunately for SoCal, sunny days far outnumber rainy ones. However, when the drizzle starts, Angelenos completely forget the basic concepts of driving. Speed limits are rendered useless as everyone on the road drops to a safe 15 MPH, lest they be swept away by the floods, or slid clear off the slippery wet roadways.

'Safety first' is the attempt here; when in actuality, cars crawling along roadways and people panicking about the hazardous conditions is anything but.

The Sunny LA Driver

Los Angeles: City of Smog. As an LA transplant, I can mock this freely. As a non-native, I am not forced to defend the wonders of smog and the magical sunsets it produces. Instead, I can sit back at marvel/bash the ridiculous amount of congestion and the burdens it causes. LA Drivers, for lack of a better description, do not give a shit.
They have been hardened by years of stop-and-go, or standstill traffic, to the point where they realize they will make it to their destination, but the length of time is completely indeterminate.
Turn signals? Why bother. Merging? Just do it.
A complete sense of passivity has overtaken the great people of Los Angeles, and why? Traffic has owned them. They are the slaves to the freeway and the freeway is king.

The Sleepy Driver
It's 7AM. That blue car in front of you is tugging along with suspiciously slow reflexes to simple road encounters such as red lights, slowing cars, pedestrians with small children. You think to yourself- is he drunk? Hungover? Nah, just a little sleepy in the morning. Pay no mind; they haven't arrived at the office and forced the intern to pick them up a Double Shot Skinny Cafe Mocha No Whip. It's not their fault their eyes are crusty.

The Boston Driver

Ahh, the Big Dig. I can only imagine the multitude of angry letters, written by lowly residents of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. The Big Dig, while well intentioned, is the cornerstone of why Boston Drivers hate their lives.
Not to be confused with New Yorkers pretension, Boston drivers rely solely on their aggression to drive the winding, aimless surface streets, and ominous, circling freeways that trap Boston in their asphalt grasp. Horn sounds pierce the air like chirping birds. Fists are thrown freely out the windows. Screams and angry shouts are muffled by closed windows. Ahh, a Boston Symphony.

The Multitasking Driver

Typically, this Shitty Driver category belongs to women, but I am no sexist. This term can be shared with all. You've seen this driver on every road, and every time they do not cease to impress. You take a quick glance over, scoping out the driver next to you. I have even devised a simple scorecard to play Multitasking Driver: The Game -
+1 Point if.....
.driver is applying makeup [except eye makeup]
.driver is on hands free cell phone
.driver is singing AND dancing
.driver is eating a sandwich
+2 Points if....
.driver is applying eye makeup
.driver is holding cell phone
.driver is eating something that requires utensils
+3 Points if....
.driver is reading
.driver is writing.
.driver is sleeping

The NJ Driver

Ahh, home sweet home. Jersey drivers biggest pet peeve is being compared to NYC drivers. Do not make this fatal mistake. NJ drivers are proud of their state- which is mainly composed of an intricate highway system.
Another proud trait: their ability to drive more then 45 miles over the speed limit. If you are on a NJ highway, and you are not going above 85, you are a LOSER. Yes, I said it. A LOSER. In direct correlation to this is NJ drivers innate ability to spot and or sense police enforcement from a mile away. Why is this highway clogged up for just a quarter of a mile you ask? Well, keep your eyes peeled for the bushes. Chances are, theres a NJ state policeman just awaiting the stupid driver who doesn't slow down to a crawl for the brief moment they're passing him. We NJ locales would never make THAT mistake.

The Old Driver

You're too old. Just get off the road.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Eyebrows/ How to spot people you shouldn't trust.

Dear America,
On the anniversary of bringing back the Snark, I figured I would kick off my post with a public service announcement. You have all been warned about reality television, small dogs wearing yoga gear, and family portraits that might give small children nightmares in the year 2045. But I am sure no one has warned you about the following. Be concerned no longer America, for I have provided a simple outline below for you to follow in order to catch your very own unsettling suspect. The secret lies within the realm of one overlooked facial feature, THE EYEBROW (singular in many cases). Bum bum bummmmmmmmahhhhhhhhhhhh!
The eyebrow is often mistaken for its archaic purpose of protecting the eye from sweat and other diseases falling from the sky. But we all know through the teachings of evolution that the human body has adapted to using an invention called the "baseball cap" to prevent such diseases from entering the face through the places we cry. Thus providing no further use for the eyebrow, seemingly. Today the eyebrow is used to spot characters who seem alarmingly suspicious. I hope the following examples will allow to further educate you and your children/ cats on the subject. 

This is the most obvious case of mistaken criminals. Often they are seemingly normal and only confused. Perhaps they have grayed in the upper half of the head but failed to gray slightly below. This is not a natural form of progression which leads us to believe that the brain has failed to progress as well. I am not saying that someone with mismatched eyebrows will steal your children... I am simply implying that they might bag your outdoor pets. Be weary.

Those of you who have seen a real life celebrity know that they are actually a hologram of which only paparazzi believe to ACTUALLY exist (sillies). But the celebrity eyebrow is often the most requested in the salon, and can classify you as a crazy drug taker too. Don't let this happen to you woodstock goers.


Above are two examples of people not to trust. If you are not sure where to stop applying the eye shadow DO NOT APPLY AT ALL. These people are often the ones who arrive at your door to watch your children on the seemingly average saturday night, only to find out that your six your old is now stuffing her bra with maxi pads and piercing her own lip. And if she was watching your 13 year old son, don't be surprised when she comes knocking on YOUR DOOR nine months later for her own child support. 

This looks like a mug shot. Let this speak for itself, and I hope this woman is not reading snark n beans or my name is now Gullah Hogbavich.


Well this is just silly because we know this man is wearing a disguise offered in a McDonalds Happy Meal. He is alright, you don't have to be worried about Rico.


Six Flags? More like NO flags! ... Or, Why Six Flags Sucked My Balls

Dear Six Flags Magic Mountain,

I wanted to like you. I really did! I have thoroughly enjoyed your other parks, namely Six Flags Great Adventure, your greatest park ever created, and also Six Flags New England, which was fine by me.

However, you created a massive FAIL with this one.

Let's start off with your lines. Yes, I am aware that large theme parks, especially on summer weekends, are bound to be crowded. But I think that you would save yourself from hearing a lot of grief from unhappy customers if you would simply shut the park off from additional guests when you reached capacity. FYI, 'capacity' is what I would call it when there is a minimum of 2.5 hour line for every. ride. in. the park. No, not just the mega coasters, every. ride.

Also- you're located in the steaming, baking California desert sun. Yea, I know- I can't blame you for that ... although a better real estate purchase would have undoubtedly been, say, ANYWHERE closer to the coastline. But I digress. Perhaps some water misters located strategically around the park (not just on lines)? That would be sweet. My overheating, aching, line-enduring body would sure enjoy that.

And, maybe your corporation should realize that when you charge 15$ for parking, and $30-$60 for entrance, you should cut the absurdly ridiculous price tags for cold beverages? $4 for a vending machine soda is highway robbery. $5 for a bottle of water is criminal. and $14 for a 'collectible cup' that has approx the same amount of liquid as a $1.99 7-11 fountain drink? I'm horrified. Horrifed!

Fun fact, 6flagz. Nay, pointer: If you have to employ someone to stand near the beginning of a line and hand out 'passes' to save your spot if you need to take a PEE BREAK the line is so long ... you should probably rethink your line strategies. Waiting 3 hours for a 30 second ride is sooo not rewarding, no matter how much I want to vomit and/or scream with joy whilst I'm riding.

Ugh, 6flagz. I wanted to have a fun day at your park. But you just did not cooperate! So, I will not be back. I hope you enjoyed my ticket+parking money. Think of it as a donation, 'cause I sure didn't get any of my money's worth.