Monday, December 14, 2009

EXPOSED; Or, Why The World Can't Keep A Secret Anymore

So, by now you may have heard about some golfer who has apparently been running around on his wife with any woman who has two legs and a face. (And maybe even some without a face!) -- But I'm not going to talk about that. Not only because I could care less, except for the vague sympathy I have for his wife (and sponsors, OF COURSE) but because I think the 'outing' of a certain Cougar Forest (get it? do you see what I did there???) is more important as the lens to focus on the state of our society (Deep.)

You see, I myself had an enraging experience last night when I signed on to my computer to discover that no secrets are longer able to be kept. And why? Why have both Cougar and I befallen the same fate that allows our lives to be destroyed? Simple answer:


Now, bear with me. I digress a bit. If this blog post leaves you with any knowledge, it should be that there is an incredibly riveting television program on Sunday evenings. This program, airing on Showtime, is entitled Dexter. It is, quite simply, fabulous entertainment. If you haven't watched, I thoroughly implore you to do so. However, a fun fact that didn't-particular-matter-until-2thousandsomething is the fact that America's television programming airs in a staggered manner. Because of these *crazy* "lines" drawn haphazardly across the continental US called "time zones." See below.

These "time zones," or "t-zones" as all the hip cats are calling it these days, mean that original programming airs first on the East Coast, then Central, then Mountain, and so on. Meaning, whilst I am enjoying my 7pm dinnertime in Los Angeles, my good buddies over in New York City are plopping down to an evening of epic television programming that I won't even dream of watching for another 3 hours. DO. YOU. SEE. WHERE. I'M. GOING. HERE.

No? Another example.

The Oscars. Undoubtedly this is Film's Biggest Night Out. The stars are in their finest, and the good people of America are glued to their TV sets .... well, the good people of the East Coast, that is. Although the Oscars themselves are held, "live" (obviously), in LA, the residents of that very same city, whose traffic has been rerouted for this very event, will not watch these events unfold until 3 hours after they are actually happening.

And so, digression comes back full circle, as I show Exhibit 1: Star of Dexter's Personal Twitter Page. If you will note from this screenshot, Star of Dexter, Julie Bowen, makes note that all you bastards on the East Coast had better not ruin it for us innocent West coasters.

And yet, were her words heard? NO. By 7:45PM Pacific Time, I knew every major plot twist in the season finale of my favorite television show. And I know, wah wah wah, the world's tinest violin is playing. But I am an innocent victim here! A victim of time zones and, more importantly, just like Cougar, SOCIAL MEDIA.

When both the season finale of Dexter aired and when Cougar's dirty laundry aired, they were immediately scooped up by the general population and "tweeted," posted onto Facebook, turned into internet chat "statuses" and published and republished and skewed and announced on blogs around the world. A person would have to CLOSE THEIR EYES and hide under the covers just to avoid a news story, or, perhaps, a television spoiler, they didn't want to hear yet.

And so, as my angry rant comes to a close, I beg of you America --- think of the West Coasters. Sure, we act like we're all content, all warm and palm-tree-ified down here in LA, and I'm sure Oregon and Washington have nice aspects to them, as well. But I beg- and I beg for all of us. STFU.


Thursday, December 3, 2009

5 Role Models to ensure your Reality Show Pitch is a Success!!

Hello loyal readers of the S n B. We welcome you back after our hiatus period and realize that our advice and commentary is as necessary as ever in the economical time of recession. 
As some of you may or may not know, the most magical time of year is just around the bend....

This means fresh ideas are floating around the entertainment industry and the studio's are all ears! Now as an insider of the entertainment industry, I am a valid source for everything that is Television...and let me tell you a little secret, (reality tv is all the rage! shhh). So as a special holiday treat to all of you, I am letting you in on a few secrets ( key word here being secrets) to the path of your own  reality television success. Alright lets get to it!



Okay for those of you living in A CAVE without reality television or Perez Hilton... I give you Balloon Boy. Actually his name is Falcon Heene and if you don't know the tale of Balloon Boy, as your savor I shall enlighten you. (Those of your seeking a career as a reality tv thesp should take extensive notes). 
Falcon Heene is a boy of eight. One day he saw a small puppy (it was a Bassett Hound) crawl into a tiny opening on the side of his parents Space Craft Carrier. The carrier was still under construction and the parents had not learned how to pressurize the cabin, which inhibited the space craft from being aerial accessible. This child, after being inspired by the incredible 3 Dimensional visual trip of Disney's recent animation 'UP', saw opportunity to be the NEIGHBORHOOD hero. Young Falcon dove into the balloon after the puppy and as an evil villian crept up behind him and unhinged the balloon from its stakes. AWAY the balloon went carrying Falcon to far and unfamiliar places, only to land in a small town off an island near Zimbabwe. ONLY when the National Guard opened the cabin of the balloon, they found only the puppy! But where was young Falcon! The neighbors had seen him go into the balloon to save the Basset Hound coyly named Kibbles. As the search continued for Falcon, Falcon mysteriously emerged from the Attic of his home with scars and bruises and a copy of the classic "Jumanji" in his hands. 
No one knows what happened to poor Falcon that day, only that he is alive and safe, and his parents will be thrown into jail for having a space craft carrier and a copy of Jumanji. 
But the REAL secret to Falcon's reality stardom? Puke on national television during an interview, keep the mystery alive you little reality boy genius!


Okay so you may start to sense a pattern here. Most of these reality stars are famous because of some sort of magic. But I'm talking more than just your average smoke and mirrors here, I'm talking real serious crazy God magic. Yes Thomas Beatie is a man, who was once a woman..... now okay okay I know your like "wait! that doesn't count? but does it? huh?!" I know I felt a little cheated too when I heard Thomas Beatie used to just be Beatie (and not to mention a hot model!). But at this point I was already sucked into the story. I mean this guy really new how to milk it! And to be honest this is one reality show I wouldn't want to miss an episode of. It must be really interesting how a man with testosterone gets rid of all of that baby fat, and well their child will have a very inspiring story to tell at pep rallys as head cheerleader. I know by the following picture that the advertisement industry was very inspired by this story.
Yeah ladies! Treat yourself to a cocktail, let the man do the job it is 2010 isn't it?



Now don't be alarmed people, this is Octomom and this is natural. She has eight babies at one time in her tummy. Although Octomom did not have much success with getting her own reality television stunt, (which doesn't make much sense to me, I'm sure she has plenty of time on her hands as a single mom and all) there are other woman who popped out a whole litter in one sitting.
This is John and Kate, they also have eight babies. But this photo was taken before the reality drama because Kate could not afford shoes before the program hit the air. Honestly if you are a family of eight really the only logical way to pay the bills is to exploit yourself and your family for America's entertainment. It's sad but it's true and it makes everyone else happy so suck it up. Not to mention John and Kate have become one of the most successful reality thesps in the industry. And how do you know when you have reached the ultimate success? 
When other well loved/ known reality thesps are being you for Halloween!!!! (above Heidi and Spencer of the Hills) successors supporting successors, really its a beautiful thing this reality television.

I even found this photo of Shaquille O'Neal lending his loving support to team Kate after the ugly split. So yes you may have to pay the reality star price ($Yourhusbandsleepingwithhooker.00) but at least you can buy yourself shoes and Ed Hardy briefs!



This is the girl with TWO vaginas. Can you say next BACHELORETTE!! Well I can. And I think this girl should get to pick two guys. Woman of America, this is your new reality competition be afraid be very afraid, this chick uses some serioussss Magic. 



Alright you know you are on the path to success when, 
1. Nobody knows your actual name and you are now referred to as 'Balloon Boy', 'Octomom', or 'Virginian White House Crashers'. 
2. You have a camera crew on you (for free) from point A of the operation. 
3. You don't die (this is how America typically knows season two is coming)

I don't know about you guys but if these people get a reality show I want it to be something really juicy, none of that hair pulling, charity ball throwing bullshit. I want to see these people crashing Tea Parties at Buckingham Palace and stirring up some drama on a family's Islamic Pilgrimage to Mecca. These people mean business, and THIS AMERICA... is how reality should be.


Monday, November 30, 2009

Twilight Fever, or, How To Waste Your Money

Well, well, well. Haven't seen you all for awhile. My apologies, I was too busy getting caught up in My nEw CrAzIi ObSeSsIoN- TwILiGhT. [note: that took me like 5 minutes to type. Being a tween typer must be exhausting]

But don't fear, faithful readers-- Snark 'n Beans is back in hysterically witty action, and with no further distractions, I bring you ... The Greatest Movie Merchandise Ever Created Ever.

Twilight fans ... you may want to stop reading now. Or maybe you're a glutton for punishment and like to be mocked. In that case, go right on ahead.

The Horrifying Wall Decal
OK. Here's how I picture this scenario going: Girl lives alone. Girl gets home kinda late, and a little tipsy. Girl turns on bathroom light, and gives a quick glance out into her bedroom. Girl proceeds to have MASSIVE HEART FAILURE when she spies a lifesize silhouette of what appears to be a dark and ominous killer lurking by her bed. End scene.

The Musical Prodigy
This little treat is perfect for campfire singalongs AND bloodbaths!

What Time Is It?

Because Your Pets Can't Argue Back
First of all, an aside. I love how this product is stamped with Made In The USA. As if the fact that America created this doggy ensemble to torture your pets is something we should be proud of. Well, I'm not. Also, poor Fido.

Keepin' It Clean
Nothing really gets to those hard-to-reach, naughty, dirty spots like a long-haired werewolf. Should I be ashamed I know what mythical creature this dude plays? Maybe.

The Blood Flask
The only thing tweens better be keeping in here is cranberry juice. You know ... for the color. Of course. Ugh, who am I kidding? Youth of America, you grow up too fast.


Because there's nothing sexier to your man than stripping down to your vampire-movie-themed skivvies.

The Stained Socks

Your feet! They're ... bleeding! .... just kidding. Sweet themed socks, bro.

Craftiness is next to Godliness

This. Person. Had. Too. Much. Free. Time.

The Sneaky Plotter

Because there is no better way of ensuring your friends and family will not ask you for rides when you drive around this Bad Boy.

The Sleeping Beauty

"Goodnight my sweet Edward." ... the only difficult question here is: which do you kiss before bed? The comforter or the pillow? Wouldn't want Edward 1 or Edward 2 to get jealous.

But Vampires Don't Eat!

...anything except delicious 'forbidden fruits,' that is. Aaaand by forbidden fruits, obviously I mean Valentines Day candy.


Why does Eddy look so mad? Is it because his face is on the wrong side, and he can't watch you shower? Perve.

The Musical Vampire
If there is one burning question in my mind after all of this, it is: exactly WHAT music does a musical Twilight jewelry box play? Answers accepted in the comments.

Vampires Think Of Everything
Whatsa matter? Your neck-bite bleeding all over your new Ralph Lauren sweater? Cover that sucker right up with these super-appropriate bandages!

The Winner Of The Irony Award

I could not possible imagine a better, or more delightful product to end with. Do you get it? Get it? It's a tampon holder. A VAMPIRE themed tampon holder. You know ... blood .... ugh. Figure it out yourself.

Monday, September 21, 2009

6 Toys that prepare your Six year olds for the REAL WORLD.

Remember when the school bus was a place of gathering in which we could all transport to the school in peace and social naivety? When saying the words "do it" called for peer mockery and humiliation. When eating a banana was just snickered upon by the bus peanut gallery (well I suppose that hasn't changed) but you can relate!
Well no longer will school children take to this kind of childish behavior from other school children. Due to the increase in technological advancements the business of toy making has provided an easy education for your seven year old to now patronize those backseat bullies!

Here are some ideas for Santa's lap!

1. The Breast Feeding Baby
Now we all know that babies come from storks, or at least thats what I thought when I was old enough to play with dolls. Now a days kids color code their underwear due to "what base" they have gotten to under the school bleachers. So for those kids who are just a little bit ahead of the social norm, we bring to them this little gem. It's a baby doll that cries when you dont "breast feed it". Of course, if your six year old has breasts then playing with this doll should be the least of your concerns!

2. STD Plushiessss!!!
Now let me tell you. As an avid toy tester, there is nothing quite like cuddling up with a starfish shaped HERPES when you get scurred of monsters under your bed at 3AM. Actually I prefer these to the glowworm which was the staple of my time (considering the glow worm suggested a striking connotation to a ... well... Booger (eek!))

3. The Tattoo Self Starter Kit
This one is for the Hannukah list kids! Nothing says wholesome sweetheart than a kid who brings his own tattoo kit to a birthday party. Anyone up for a snake with boobies!??

4. The booby tassle top!
Nothing prepares a seven year old for the street like a booby tassle top. Great for Belly Dancing, Pole Dancing or really any kind of dancing a six year old in the year 2009 should be participating in. Notice the caption "Something for the Evening" (that was just so ripe in itself that I honestly have nothing more to snark about on the booby tassle top for six year olds).

5. Baby you can Shave!

Yes Kids thats right! YOUUU SHAVE THE BABY! I am not sure if it is because this baby is of Oriental decent or really why this baby is so hairy? Is there some sort of epidemic I am unaware of or is this what smoking pot will do to your children? Anyway, that is neither here nor there. The important thing is kids now know not only how to shave someone in the instance of booking a barber shop quartet gig, but also they will be less sensitive to baring a child with animalistic birth defects. WIN!

Oh and this will be as big as Tickle Me Elmo...

Barbie was busy.

(Pictures and inspiration due to


Monday, September 14, 2009

NY Fashion Week: Or, Why Do People Pay Thousands for Ugly Shit?

Ahh, New York's Fall Fashion Week. One of my favorite times of the year, personally. So many fun faces, styles, patterns, drapings, and most importantly, fashion disasters. While living in LA, I find myself pouring over the almost 24/7 coverage of the Week, be it via websites or Twitter (yes, I've resorted to up-to-the-minute coverage on Twitter. Don't judge me ... or just keep your mouth shut!)

But one of the best parts about NYFW are the disasters. Or at least, what I interpret to be disasters. Unlike couture shows, these clothes are made ready-to-wear .. in theory. Which is why it's so godamn fun to rip them to shreds and make the generalizing assumption that no woman in her right mind (or man- whatever. Your life!) would wear these garments walking down the street. And so I present to you, a possible PART ONE OF TWO (hold your applause) -- Liza's Official Critique of the Worst Looks Thus Far in NY Fall Fashion Week, or "LOC of the WLTF in NYFFW" for short.

Look #1: Whitney Eve

Now, I cannot judge this fashion designer that harshly ... for she is a 22 year old reality TV star. Whitney Port, star of MTV's rivetinggg hit series 'The City' and formerly 'The Hills' has turned into a fashion designer for no other forseeable reason than she was bored. Props to her; when I'm bored I turn to snacks. So poor Whitney, I'll give it to you gently. By telling a story. When I was little I had a tiny dog who loved to eat crayons. It was an intense fascination. When he pooped, he would always poop out little rainbows- I kid you not. Did you have a dog like this? Was he or she your inspiration for this particular look? If so, you nailed it. Props!

Look #2: Vivienne Tam

I can really appreciate when a designer gives an ode to murder victims by representing the pain, misery, and 'ouch!' factor of a stab to the heart with a lovely faux blood display cascading down the front of an outfit. Extra points to the model for not running with the theme and crawling up the runway, last breaths-style.

Look #3: Rosa Cha

Remember that great scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, where the delightful little Oompa Loompas and Gene Wilder and the gang are all wearing those bright white suits right before sending that giant candy bar across the room and reassembling it from the millions of little pieces into a smaller, television sized candy bar? Yup, Rosa Cha remembers. She even got the protective glasses down pat!

Look #4: LAMB by Gwen Stefani

"Whoopsie! I forgot pants! Good thing I will still keep warm with this blazer on top. My belly and upper arms always get so chilly."

Look #5: LAMB by Gwen Stefani

And to think, I always thought of sweatpants as lounge-wear, not business-wear. My eyes are now open. Thank you, Gwen.

Look #6: Jason Wu
Horrifying black lips aside, this dress looks as if it is ready to straight up take flight off the runway. For some inexplicable reason, the critics loved this look. I beg to differ. Jason Wu is the go-to designer for First Lady Michelle Obama. I reallly hope she doesn't pick this dress for an occasion, Glenn Beck would have a godamn field day. I can hear it now "OBAMA HATES AMERICA CAUSE SHE SLAUGHTERED A BALD EAGLE TO MAKE THIS DRESS!"

Look #7: Erin Fetherston

I don't know, it might just be too .... conservative for my taste. I like to show a bit more skin.

Look #8: Charlotte Ronson

Again, I'm going to ignore the annoying accoutrement on this look and focus on the clothing- or lack thereof. Thank goodness the lovely Ronson twin gave this poor model a scarf, otherwise she'd, like, totally freeze her butt off in this raw NY fall weather!

Look #9: Christian Siriano

I mean, I guess it goes without saying that its sooo obvious why Christian won last season of Project Runway. Who WOULDN'T wear this versatile and flattering one-piece?

Look #10: BCBG Max Azria

Maz Azria should know better than to pick models that will get so nervous before the show that they vomit up all of their morning's breakfast all over the front of their dresses. In the case of this unfortunate purger, it would appear she had a hearty meal of diamonds. and bling. 'Sup indigestion.

Look #11: BCBG Max Azria
You know that villain from Batman, Two Face? Turns out he had a daughter!

Look #12: Alexander Wang

Ugh, FINALLY. The PERFECT skirt to show off my new bellybotton ring slash pregnancy. And in such an exquisite color!

Look #13: Alexander Wang

Admittedly, Alexander Wang's collection WAS football/sports themed (I couldn't make this up if I tried) - but still. A modified snuggie with leather waist strap and matching helmet? Well, at least she'll be cozy at the big game?? "C'mon everyone! Huddle in my dress for warmth!"
* * *
Don't worry folks, there are still 5 more days of NY Fashion Week to go. Expect more highlights soon.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Internet Dating,( Why if you havent done it, youre so totally single).

Hello Ass Stains,

In case you are about to scroll up and re-read the title of this post, that's right, I said it God damnit, if you haven't tried internet dating/ flaunting your shit/ participating in sexy hot singles online you clearly have no sense of adventure. But this is why we make blogs, to provide those who do not have access to information of which can be of use to the general public or those who are just too damn shy to talk to that sexy waitor in the suspenders at Saddle Ranch. And so I provide you with the following (gift cards to coffee bean will be sufficient as a thanks).

Step 1: Uploading SELF pictures taken of YOURSELF by YOURSELF in YOUR BED/BATHROOM SELF:

In order to shed your silly singlism and sustain a sexy stud (or studlette) it is important to follow the proceeding examples

Taking a picture of yourself in the mirror in your underwear is a MUST. It is important for people in the internet world to be able to see A. what type of under garments are perferred in the case of photo texting or the fictionally rare case you will meet. It is also important that B. we get to see the context of which you live. The female above (all images provided by Google Image) is seemingly living in a dorm/ apartment (check for those who live with mom or dad) and also seems to be tidy and has some great mood lighting! All of these are factors included in whether or not this girl would be a potential candidate in your online love match.

The self portrait must be taken at an arms length distance. This provides the mega pixels of the camera room for imagery doubt. If the camera is held any distance closer it is a sure fail that your online reputation will forever remain as the "hoe with a huge chin ass". So be careful with this approach, it is quite difficult and only recommended to Advanced myspace users.

GREAT! Now we are moving right along!

After your photos have been taken in many positions/ different hair styles/ change of clothing/ vertical and horizontal/ uploaded and photoshopped we can discuss some internet outlets that will be a sure way for you to find your true cyber creep ... I mean LOVER.


This is an oldie AND a GOODIE! Hot or not is the internets oldest form of showing the whole world your picture and NO ONE WILL JUDGE YOU! I know it sounds almost too good to be true and yes there is a catch. People are allowed to be honest. With a rating system provided under each photograph the public can vote on whether or not you should continue your quest to find an online romance, or whether you should get a new picture or just give up for life! For example the chick above will go on to create a profile with the proceeding social networks while Carot Top (with a soul devouring 1.7) will have to go on to have a show at the Luxor and have sex with girls who dont like him. Let's continue shall we?

Now, if you don't know what either of these sites are, I would tell you to go buy a computer but somehow you must have one if you are reading SnB and have missed the bandwagon. Ugh, Well these are social networking sites that are very very easy to stalk people on (LUCKY YOU!) They also allow you to post your socially approved photos of yourself and customize your profile to let others know what you hope to extract from your experience on the website (sexually of course).

My personal favorite, as a cousin of a friend of a sister who is a member, is the following dating site:

Yes J Date. If you guess Jigalo dating, well.. your wrong because Gigalo is spelt with a G. But if you guess Jew Date boy the hell are you right! Yes there just so happens to be a dating website if you are a JEW! See! Love is no longer for hippies and democrats, know Jews can post pictures of themselves online and find a person to mate with through the art of the internet as well! Chew it up swallow it, but savor it first. Just make sure that you really are a Jew before you sign up, BirthRight is also a prerequisit for membership. Sorry there are no fooling us Jews.

And finally if you are not Jewish (sorry that must be weird, whats that like?) there is one final option for your dating life to flourish. Unfortunately I cannot provide much information on this outlet because, well, I have a job and a blog which takes up far too much of my time, plus I dont wanna end up like one of those people whose skin starts to ferment to the couch.

This is a screen caption from the game War of WorldCraft or World of CraftWar, something. I have read... that this is also a fantastic way to meet a lady in a body that isnt yours in a world that doesnt exist! It actually sounds kind of fun, you can play a game fight villans bang a hot avatar chick, have the real chick who plays the avatar chick come over to your house and you can do it together! For eternity!! Or at least until both of your skin ferments to the couch and to one another. Now if that isn't the recipe for true love found over the internet then don't call me Shakespeare, but actually do because that is the formula.

-Shakespeare (aka Lo since 1616)