Friday, August 21, 2009

Internet Dating,( Why if you havent done it, youre so totally single).

Hello Ass Stains,

In case you are about to scroll up and re-read the title of this post, that's right, I said it God damnit, if you haven't tried internet dating/ flaunting your shit/ participating in sexy hot singles online you clearly have no sense of adventure. But this is why we make blogs, to provide those who do not have access to information of which can be of use to the general public or those who are just too damn shy to talk to that sexy waitor in the suspenders at Saddle Ranch. And so I provide you with the following (gift cards to coffee bean will be sufficient as a thanks).

Step 1: Uploading SELF pictures taken of YOURSELF by YOURSELF in YOUR BED/BATHROOM SELF:

In order to shed your silly singlism and sustain a sexy stud (or studlette) it is important to follow the proceeding examples

Taking a picture of yourself in the mirror in your underwear is a MUST. It is important for people in the internet world to be able to see A. what type of under garments are perferred in the case of photo texting or the fictionally rare case you will meet. It is also important that B. we get to see the context of which you live. The female above (all images provided by Google Image) is seemingly living in a dorm/ apartment (check for those who live with mom or dad) and also seems to be tidy and has some great mood lighting! All of these are factors included in whether or not this girl would be a potential candidate in your online love match.

The self portrait must be taken at an arms length distance. This provides the mega pixels of the camera room for imagery doubt. If the camera is held any distance closer it is a sure fail that your online reputation will forever remain as the "hoe with a huge chin ass". So be careful with this approach, it is quite difficult and only recommended to Advanced myspace users.

GREAT! Now we are moving right along!

After your photos have been taken in many positions/ different hair styles/ change of clothing/ vertical and horizontal/ uploaded and photoshopped we can discuss some internet outlets that will be a sure way for you to find your true cyber creep ... I mean LOVER.


This is an oldie AND a GOODIE! Hot or not is the internets oldest form of showing the whole world your picture and NO ONE WILL JUDGE YOU! I know it sounds almost too good to be true and yes there is a catch. People are allowed to be honest. With a rating system provided under each photograph the public can vote on whether or not you should continue your quest to find an online romance, or whether you should get a new picture or just give up for life! For example the chick above will go on to create a profile with the proceeding social networks while Carot Top (with a soul devouring 1.7) will have to go on to have a show at the Luxor and have sex with girls who dont like him. Let's continue shall we?

Now, if you don't know what either of these sites are, I would tell you to go buy a computer but somehow you must have one if you are reading SnB and have missed the bandwagon. Ugh, Well these are social networking sites that are very very easy to stalk people on (LUCKY YOU!) They also allow you to post your socially approved photos of yourself and customize your profile to let others know what you hope to extract from your experience on the website (sexually of course).

My personal favorite, as a cousin of a friend of a sister who is a member, is the following dating site:

Yes J Date. If you guess Jigalo dating, well.. your wrong because Gigalo is spelt with a G. But if you guess Jew Date boy the hell are you right! Yes there just so happens to be a dating website if you are a JEW! See! Love is no longer for hippies and democrats, know Jews can post pictures of themselves online and find a person to mate with through the art of the internet as well! Chew it up swallow it, but savor it first. Just make sure that you really are a Jew before you sign up, BirthRight is also a prerequisit for membership. Sorry there are no fooling us Jews.

And finally if you are not Jewish (sorry that must be weird, whats that like?) there is one final option for your dating life to flourish. Unfortunately I cannot provide much information on this outlet because, well, I have a job and a blog which takes up far too much of my time, plus I dont wanna end up like one of those people whose skin starts to ferment to the couch.

This is a screen caption from the game War of WorldCraft or World of CraftWar, something. I have read... that this is also a fantastic way to meet a lady in a body that isnt yours in a world that doesnt exist! It actually sounds kind of fun, you can play a game fight villans bang a hot avatar chick, have the real chick who plays the avatar chick come over to your house and you can do it together! For eternity!! Or at least until both of your skin ferments to the couch and to one another. Now if that isn't the recipe for true love found over the internet then don't call me Shakespeare, but actually do because that is the formula.

-Shakespeare (aka Lo since 1616)


  1. That was funny!
    Happy blogging


  2. Scary but one of my (ex) best friends from high school actually met her current husband on World of Warcraft. She moved to another continent to be with him. I don't talk to her anymore, but I sometimes wonder how long their marriage will last...

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