Paul Abdul, the best pop star to ever have lived on God's green earth decided to commit financial and public eye suicide this week by ending her career as the GREATEST JUDGE EVER on the hit phenomenon show "American Idol".
This was Paula's response:
Now as a mandatory guideline to being a citizen of America (like voting) we are required to watch American Idol (Cubans... be shocked). And as a civil duty this it will not be the same to perform without the overt enthusiasm and slurred positive reinforcement supplied by the prettiest woman on television, who let's face in Sarah but will probably now go on to be our first female cat dancing president.
But have no fear citizens, I... have supplied a way for us to choose as a country who will be the next American Idol judge to follow in the footsteps of Lord Abdul.
The options you should all be familiar with and remember your vote is purely confidential so be sure to post it on the comments portion following the candidates pitch.
Candidate Option #1: Charo
Charo, formally known as María Rosario Pilar Martínez Molina Moquiere de les Esperades Santa Ana Romanguera y de la Najosa Rasten is one of Spain's most beloved pop divas of this century. Some may even refer to her as the Spanish Paula Abdul. With a little Spanish flavor on the panel we could draw in a bigger Latino crowd of viewers to 'American Idol' and who knows, perhaps soon Mexico will have their very own 'American Idol'. I don't think you need a green card to audition and Charo will be a healthy advocate of diversity!
Candidate Option #2: President Barack Obama
What better judge to have for American Idol then the president himself. A. He knows good music. B. What he says goes. and C. He typically has his Tuesday and Wednesday evenings free. Naturally, America, I say 'Yes We Can' move forward from the loss of Lord Abdul, together we will move forward as a nation. I mean we can always skype him in while he watches from the Oval Office right?
Candidate Option #3: Tyra Banks
Let's face it. If there is anyone more judgemental and mentally disabled as Paula Abdul, then Tyra Banks would be it. Honestly I think she would be a good candidate because we could just slip her right in there and nobody would ever notice the difference.
Candidate #4: Joan Rivers AND Donald Trump
If you think Simon is bad, this dynamic duo will bring the drama! If contestants have enough balls to get up in front of that panel and sing, perhaps we should just send them straight to the front lines to fight in Iraq. It will make the season much quicker and we will get straight to the point. Plus the amount of ridiculous quibble that will ensue between the judges will be not leave much time for any singing and isn't that what you want any way America? Celebrities, FIGHTING? Screw singing... singing is so... 2006.
Candidate #5: Milli Vanilli
Candidate #5: Milli Vanilli
No one knows a good set of vocal chords like these guys. Imagine how many people they auditioned to finally get the right sound for THEMSELVES. No but honestly if one of them wasn't dead I think it would be a kinda smart idea?