Monday, August 17, 2009

The Homeless Wiki: Or, I May Go To Hell For This One

Homeless people. So hard to categorize! At first glance they all seem so similar and .... without home. But take a closer glance and you'll see that this species is anything but....

[Sidenote: This entry, like all, is 100% in sardonic jest. I do not support nor feel any sense of happiness when homelessness is mentioned, just as I don't enjoy puppies being stomped on. I promise. Take this as fluffy fun, and feel better about yourself 'cause YOU didn't write it. Then go give a beggar a cup of coffee.]

Homeless #1: The animal trick

By far, I find this the most infuriating of homeless types. You've seen 'em all before. The many dude (or chick!) with the adorable homeless puppy/dog/kitten/bunny/panda bear curled up on a tattered blanket or in their lap. Bonus (or should I say 'demerits') points for if the sign displaced mentions said animal, ex: "Fido is so hungry." You dick. Why do you have a dog? That's just mean. Sure, he's getting tons of sun, but are you leaving your corner to go walk him? Does he have proper health care? It's one thing to let yourself rot on the streets, but little Fido never had a choice. The same goes for children. Duh.

Homeless #2: Straight chillin [boozin']

Until the alcohol starts to hit their system, these fellas wouldn't bother you with a ten foot pole ... that is, unless to ask for booze. Once it does, they will fully entertain themselves with the plastic flask of whatever happens to look good (be handed to them? be donated? How on Earth does a homeless person choose their weapon of choice?). They will sit there, suckling at the sweet teat of alcoholism until they pass out, not realizing they're on the street. In a way, this sleep is probably way satisfying; so maybe this breed has figured out how to remain 'happy' whilst living on the streets. Note: This group also tends to get loud/emotional/angry, so tread lightly around their presence. No one wants to get into a street barfight with a guy you can smell at fifty paces away.

Homeless #3: The merry gang

No home? Misery loves company. Check out your nearest seedy underpass, abandoned property, or shady drug-littered riverbank. A posse is right around the corner! These groupings are often highlighted by friendly fires, tent camps, and a feeling of group merriment and social warmth! And also, a super pleasant group stench.

Homeless #4: The techie

Although the gentlemen above that represents the Ultimate Age of Technology (slash Irony) also is representative of the hated/dreaded Homeless Type #1 - the animal trick, we will focus on his main quality. The fact this dude is so hooked up, he plopped himself down in a park with public wifi, to better peruse Ebays offerings, one can assume. But no- let's not come to that foul and unflattering conclusion. I'm sure he's purveying the offerings on, preparing his resume, and reading Twitter.

Homeless #5: The No Bullshitter

The competition for wittiest sign is often a merciless one. Not quite sure what the success rate is; after all, whilst I appreciate your honesty, I really do, I don't want to fund your drug addiction anymore than I want to fund my own. Sorry, pal.

Homeless #6: The sleeper

Man! Those homeless can sleep ANYWHERE! These guys are the best, 'cause you can just step over or around them, and you're no worse for the wear! Also, they should be congratulated for the abilities. I cannot personally cozy up on a bed of newspapers, nor can I sleep in the sun in three-digit heat, nor bundled up in 1 blanket in sub freezing temps. Human resilience at its finest!

Homeless #7: The architect

When young Ned emerges from his luxurious lair, he can enjoy a moment of sunbathing out on his deck, or perhaps a quick BBQ of rat he's caught in the sumptous blue tarp he calls home. WIN!

Homeless #8: The vet.

I have nothing to snark on them. They make me sad. God Bless America?

Homeless #9: I just couldn't end on veterans

These carside beggars are debatably even homeless, and I'd like to err on the side of 'no,' but I just couldn't end on the heartbreaking note of war veterans. These people piss me off. I want to enjoy a bit of fresh air, not your arm poking through my window. If you really think this is more productive than sitting on the side of the street, you are wrong (I think? I've never attempted either, to be honest). You are just annoying and you make me have to concentrate REALLY hard on the road whilst I'm stopped at a stoplight. Also, aren't you worried of getting run over??? Talk about job hazards!

1 comment:

  1. Yep. You're goin' to hell. I'll save you a seat.