Monday, July 6, 2009

Eyebrows/ How to spot people you shouldn't trust.

Dear America,
On the anniversary of bringing back the Snark, I figured I would kick off my post with a public service announcement. You have all been warned about reality television, small dogs wearing yoga gear, and family portraits that might give small children nightmares in the year 2045. But I am sure no one has warned you about the following. Be concerned no longer America, for I have provided a simple outline below for you to follow in order to catch your very own unsettling suspect. The secret lies within the realm of one overlooked facial feature, THE EYEBROW (singular in many cases). Bum bum bummmmmmmmahhhhhhhhhhhh!
The eyebrow is often mistaken for its archaic purpose of protecting the eye from sweat and other diseases falling from the sky. But we all know through the teachings of evolution that the human body has adapted to using an invention called the "baseball cap" to prevent such diseases from entering the face through the places we cry. Thus providing no further use for the eyebrow, seemingly. Today the eyebrow is used to spot characters who seem alarmingly suspicious. I hope the following examples will allow to further educate you and your children/ cats on the subject. 

This is the most obvious case of mistaken criminals. Often they are seemingly normal and only confused. Perhaps they have grayed in the upper half of the head but failed to gray slightly below. This is not a natural form of progression which leads us to believe that the brain has failed to progress as well. I am not saying that someone with mismatched eyebrows will steal your children... I am simply implying that they might bag your outdoor pets. Be weary.

Those of you who have seen a real life celebrity know that they are actually a hologram of which only paparazzi believe to ACTUALLY exist (sillies). But the celebrity eyebrow is often the most requested in the salon, and can classify you as a crazy drug taker too. Don't let this happen to you woodstock goers.


Above are two examples of people not to trust. If you are not sure where to stop applying the eye shadow DO NOT APPLY AT ALL. These people are often the ones who arrive at your door to watch your children on the seemingly average saturday night, only to find out that your six your old is now stuffing her bra with maxi pads and piercing her own lip. And if she was watching your 13 year old son, don't be surprised when she comes knocking on YOUR DOOR nine months later for her own child support. 

This looks like a mug shot. Let this speak for itself, and I hope this woman is not reading snark n beans or my name is now Gullah Hogbavich.


Well this is just silly because we know this man is wearing a disguise offered in a McDonalds Happy Meal. He is alright, you don't have to be worried about Rico.


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