Friday, July 10, 2009

Drivers Across The Great US of A: Or, Why Bad Driving is Bi-Coastal

'From sea to shining sea' .... there are drivers that are completely idiotic, unsafe, unwise, and all around pretty damn shitty. I will take no exception from this, as I definitely fall into one of the categories below [which one? you'll have to speculate...!] But enough about me. Let's take a looksie at some of my favorite groups of Worst Drivers In America!

The New York City Driver

NYC drivers for too long have not had their moment in the glorious spotlight of Worst Drivers In America. For TOO LONG have cabbies proudly held the attention of the world- and no longer! Although cabs amount for a majority of horribly offensive city driving, the residents of NYC drive in exactly the same way they act. Brashly, rudely, aggressively, and with no concern for others.

Do not let this be confused with Boston or NJ drivers. Each breed is slightly different. NYC drivers are of the opinion that they are above mere mortals; being those scummy public transportation riders.

The honor bestowed upon a resident of NYC, especially Manhattan, that owns and drives their own car, is not one taken lightly. After all, the assumption is that if you've already dropped the dough for a private parking space and or fought your neighbors tooth and nail for streetside parking relatively close to your apartment- you deserve it! And, after all, what more NYC mentality is there than 'I deserve the best because I AM the best' ?

The Rainy LA Driver

Los Angeles is a lucky city. Its drivers get broken up into subcategories; the Rainy Day Driver, and the Sunny Day Driver. Fortunately for SoCal, sunny days far outnumber rainy ones. However, when the drizzle starts, Angelenos completely forget the basic concepts of driving. Speed limits are rendered useless as everyone on the road drops to a safe 15 MPH, lest they be swept away by the floods, or slid clear off the slippery wet roadways.

'Safety first' is the attempt here; when in actuality, cars crawling along roadways and people panicking about the hazardous conditions is anything but.

The Sunny LA Driver

Los Angeles: City of Smog. As an LA transplant, I can mock this freely. As a non-native, I am not forced to defend the wonders of smog and the magical sunsets it produces. Instead, I can sit back at marvel/bash the ridiculous amount of congestion and the burdens it causes. LA Drivers, for lack of a better description, do not give a shit.
They have been hardened by years of stop-and-go, or standstill traffic, to the point where they realize they will make it to their destination, but the length of time is completely indeterminate.
Turn signals? Why bother. Merging? Just do it.
A complete sense of passivity has overtaken the great people of Los Angeles, and why? Traffic has owned them. They are the slaves to the freeway and the freeway is king.

The Sleepy Driver
It's 7AM. That blue car in front of you is tugging along with suspiciously slow reflexes to simple road encounters such as red lights, slowing cars, pedestrians with small children. You think to yourself- is he drunk? Hungover? Nah, just a little sleepy in the morning. Pay no mind; they haven't arrived at the office and forced the intern to pick them up a Double Shot Skinny Cafe Mocha No Whip. It's not their fault their eyes are crusty.

The Boston Driver

Ahh, the Big Dig. I can only imagine the multitude of angry letters, written by lowly residents of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. The Big Dig, while well intentioned, is the cornerstone of why Boston Drivers hate their lives.
Not to be confused with New Yorkers pretension, Boston drivers rely solely on their aggression to drive the winding, aimless surface streets, and ominous, circling freeways that trap Boston in their asphalt grasp. Horn sounds pierce the air like chirping birds. Fists are thrown freely out the windows. Screams and angry shouts are muffled by closed windows. Ahh, a Boston Symphony.

The Multitasking Driver

Typically, this Shitty Driver category belongs to women, but I am no sexist. This term can be shared with all. You've seen this driver on every road, and every time they do not cease to impress. You take a quick glance over, scoping out the driver next to you. I have even devised a simple scorecard to play Multitasking Driver: The Game -
+1 Point if.....
.driver is applying makeup [except eye makeup]
.driver is on hands free cell phone
.driver is singing AND dancing
.driver is eating a sandwich
+2 Points if....
.driver is applying eye makeup
.driver is holding cell phone
.driver is eating something that requires utensils
+3 Points if....
.driver is reading
.driver is writing.
.driver is sleeping

The NJ Driver

Ahh, home sweet home. Jersey drivers biggest pet peeve is being compared to NYC drivers. Do not make this fatal mistake. NJ drivers are proud of their state- which is mainly composed of an intricate highway system.
Another proud trait: their ability to drive more then 45 miles over the speed limit. If you are on a NJ highway, and you are not going above 85, you are a LOSER. Yes, I said it. A LOSER. In direct correlation to this is NJ drivers innate ability to spot and or sense police enforcement from a mile away. Why is this highway clogged up for just a quarter of a mile you ask? Well, keep your eyes peeled for the bushes. Chances are, theres a NJ state policeman just awaiting the stupid driver who doesn't slow down to a crawl for the brief moment they're passing him. We NJ locales would never make THAT mistake.

The Old Driver

You're too old. Just get off the road.

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