Hello loyal readers of the S n B. We welcome you back after our hiatus period and realize that our advice and commentary is as necessary as ever in the economical time of recession.
As some of you may or may not know, the most magical time of year is just around the bend....
This means fresh ideas are floating around the entertainment industry and the studio's are all ears! Now as an insider of the entertainment industry, I am a valid source for everything that is Television...and let me tell you a little secret, (reality tv is all the rage! shhh). So as a special holiday treat to all of you, I am letting you in on a few secrets ( key word here being secrets) to the path of your own reality television success. Alright lets get to it!
ROLE MODEL NUMERO UNO:
Okay for those of you living in A CAVE without reality television or Perez Hilton... I give you Balloon Boy. Actually his name is Falcon Heene and if you don't know the tale of Balloon Boy, as your savor I shall enlighten you. (Those of your seeking a career as a reality tv thesp should take extensive notes).
Falcon Heene is a boy of eight. One day he saw a small puppy (it was a Bassett Hound) crawl into a tiny opening on the side of his parents Space Craft Carrier. The carrier was still under construction and the parents had not learned how to pressurize the cabin, which inhibited the space craft from being aerial accessible. This child, after being inspired by the incredible 3 Dimensional visual trip of Disney's recent animation 'UP', saw opportunity to be the NEIGHBORHOOD hero. Young Falcon dove into the balloon after the puppy and as an evil villian crept up behind him and unhinged the balloon from its stakes. AWAY the balloon went carrying Falcon to far and unfamiliar places, only to land in a small town off an island near Zimbabwe. ONLY when the National Guard opened the cabin of the balloon, they found only the puppy! But where was young Falcon! The neighbors had seen him go into the balloon to save the Basset Hound coyly named Kibbles. As the search continued for Falcon, Falcon mysteriously emerged from the Attic of his home with scars and bruises and a copy of the classic "Jumanji" in his hands.
No one knows what happened to poor Falcon that day, only that he is alive and safe, and his parents will be thrown into jail for having a space craft carrier and a copy of Jumanji.
But the REAL secret to Falcon's reality stardom? Puke on national television during an interview, keep the mystery alive you little reality boy genius!
ROLE MODEL NUMERO DOS
THE PREGNANT MAN
Okay so you may start to sense a pattern here. Most of these reality stars are famous because of some sort of magic. But I'm talking more than just your average smoke and mirrors here, I'm talking real serious crazy God magic. Yes Thomas Beatie is a man, who was once a woman..... now okay okay I know your like "wait! that doesn't count? but does it? huh?!" I know I felt a little cheated too when I heard Thomas Beatie used to just be Beatie (and not to mention a hot model!). But at this point I was already sucked into the story. I mean this guy really new how to milk it! And to be honest this is one reality show I wouldn't want to miss an episode of. It must be really interesting how a man with testosterone gets rid of all of that baby fat, and well their child will have a very inspiring story to tell at pep rallys as head cheerleader. I know by the following picture that the advertisement industry was very inspired by this story.
Yeah ladies! Treat yourself to a cocktail, let the man do the job it is 2010 isn't it?
ROLE MODEL NUMERO TRES
KATE GOSSELIN and NO NAMED OCTOMOM!
Now don't be alarmed people, this is Octomom and this is natural. She has eight babies at one time in her tummy. Although Octomom did not have much success with getting her own reality television stunt, (which doesn't make much sense to me, I'm sure she has plenty of time on her hands as a single mom and all) there are other woman who popped out a whole litter in one sitting.
This is John and Kate, they also have eight babies. But this photo was taken before the reality drama because Kate could not afford shoes before the program hit the air. Honestly if you are a family of eight really the only logical way to pay the bills is to exploit yourself and your family for America's entertainment. It's sad but it's true and it makes everyone else happy so suck it up. Not to mention John and Kate have become one of the most successful reality thesps in the industry. And how do you know when you have reached the ultimate success?
When other well loved/ known reality thesps are being you for Halloween!!!! (above Heidi and Spencer of the Hills) successors supporting successors, really its a beautiful thing this reality television.
I even found this photo of Shaquille O'Neal lending his loving support to team Kate after the ugly split. So yes you may have to pay the reality star price ($Yourhusbandsleepingwithhooker.00) but at least you can buy yourself shoes and Ed Hardy briefs!
ROLE MODEL NUMERO CUATRO
THE GIRL WITH TWO VAGINAS
This is the girl with TWO vaginas. Can you say next BACHELORETTE!! Well I can. And I think this girl should get to pick two guys. Woman of America, this is your new reality competition be afraid be very afraid, this chick uses some serioussss Magic.
ROLE MODEL NUMERO CINCO
VIRGINIAN WHITE HOUSE CRASHERS
Alright you know you are on the path to success when,
1. Nobody knows your actual name and you are now referred to as 'Balloon Boy', 'Octomom', or 'Virginian White House Crashers'.
2. You have a camera crew on you (for free) from point A of the operation.
3. You don't die (this is how America typically knows season two is coming)
I don't know about you guys but if these people get a reality show I want it to be something really juicy, none of that hair pulling, charity ball throwing bullshit. I want to see these people crashing Tea Parties at Buckingham Palace and stirring up some drama on a family's Islamic Pilgrimage to Mecca. These people mean business, and THIS AMERICA... is how reality should be.