Monday, December 14, 2009

EXPOSED; Or, Why The World Can't Keep A Secret Anymore

So, by now you may have heard about some golfer who has apparently been running around on his wife with any woman who has two legs and a face. (And maybe even some without a face!) -- But I'm not going to talk about that. Not only because I could care less, except for the vague sympathy I have for his wife (and sponsors, OF COURSE) but because I think the 'outing' of a certain Cougar Forest (get it? do you see what I did there???) is more important as the lens to focus on the state of our society (Deep.)

You see, I myself had an enraging experience last night when I signed on to my computer to discover that no secrets are longer able to be kept. And why? Why have both Cougar and I befallen the same fate that allows our lives to be destroyed? Simple answer:


Now, bear with me. I digress a bit. If this blog post leaves you with any knowledge, it should be that there is an incredibly riveting television program on Sunday evenings. This program, airing on Showtime, is entitled Dexter. It is, quite simply, fabulous entertainment. If you haven't watched, I thoroughly implore you to do so. However, a fun fact that didn't-particular-matter-until-2thousandsomething is the fact that America's television programming airs in a staggered manner. Because of these *crazy* "lines" drawn haphazardly across the continental US called "time zones." See below.

These "time zones," or "t-zones" as all the hip cats are calling it these days, mean that original programming airs first on the East Coast, then Central, then Mountain, and so on. Meaning, whilst I am enjoying my 7pm dinnertime in Los Angeles, my good buddies over in New York City are plopping down to an evening of epic television programming that I won't even dream of watching for another 3 hours. DO. YOU. SEE. WHERE. I'M. GOING. HERE.

No? Another example.

The Oscars. Undoubtedly this is Film's Biggest Night Out. The stars are in their finest, and the good people of America are glued to their TV sets .... well, the good people of the East Coast, that is. Although the Oscars themselves are held, "live" (obviously), in LA, the residents of that very same city, whose traffic has been rerouted for this very event, will not watch these events unfold until 3 hours after they are actually happening.

And so, digression comes back full circle, as I show Exhibit 1: Star of Dexter's Personal Twitter Page. If you will note from this screenshot, Star of Dexter, Julie Bowen, makes note that all you bastards on the East Coast had better not ruin it for us innocent West coasters.

And yet, were her words heard? NO. By 7:45PM Pacific Time, I knew every major plot twist in the season finale of my favorite television show. And I know, wah wah wah, the world's tinest violin is playing. But I am an innocent victim here! A victim of time zones and, more importantly, just like Cougar, SOCIAL MEDIA.

When both the season finale of Dexter aired and when Cougar's dirty laundry aired, they were immediately scooped up by the general population and "tweeted," posted onto Facebook, turned into internet chat "statuses" and published and republished and skewed and announced on blogs around the world. A person would have to CLOSE THEIR EYES and hide under the covers just to avoid a news story, or, perhaps, a television spoiler, they didn't want to hear yet.

And so, as my angry rant comes to a close, I beg of you America --- think of the West Coasters. Sure, we act like we're all content, all warm and palm-tree-ified down here in LA, and I'm sure Oregon and Washington have nice aspects to them, as well. But I beg- and I beg for all of us. STFU.