Monday, November 30, 2009

Twilight Fever, or, How To Waste Your Money

Well, well, well. Haven't seen you all for awhile. My apologies, I was too busy getting caught up in My nEw CrAzIi ObSeSsIoN- TwILiGhT. [note: that took me like 5 minutes to type. Being a tween typer must be exhausting]

But don't fear, faithful readers-- Snark 'n Beans is back in hysterically witty action, and with no further distractions, I bring you ... The Greatest Movie Merchandise Ever Created Ever.

Twilight fans ... you may want to stop reading now. Or maybe you're a glutton for punishment and like to be mocked. In that case, go right on ahead.

The Horrifying Wall Decal
OK. Here's how I picture this scenario going: Girl lives alone. Girl gets home kinda late, and a little tipsy. Girl turns on bathroom light, and gives a quick glance out into her bedroom. Girl proceeds to have MASSIVE HEART FAILURE when she spies a lifesize silhouette of what appears to be a dark and ominous killer lurking by her bed. End scene.

The Musical Prodigy
This little treat is perfect for campfire singalongs AND bloodbaths!

What Time Is It?

Because Your Pets Can't Argue Back
First of all, an aside. I love how this product is stamped with Made In The USA. As if the fact that America created this doggy ensemble to torture your pets is something we should be proud of. Well, I'm not. Also, poor Fido.

Keepin' It Clean
Nothing really gets to those hard-to-reach, naughty, dirty spots like a long-haired werewolf. Should I be ashamed I know what mythical creature this dude plays? Maybe.

The Blood Flask
The only thing tweens better be keeping in here is cranberry juice. You know ... for the color. Of course. Ugh, who am I kidding? Youth of America, you grow up too fast.


Because there's nothing sexier to your man than stripping down to your vampire-movie-themed skivvies.

The Stained Socks

Your feet! They're ... bleeding! .... just kidding. Sweet themed socks, bro.

Craftiness is next to Godliness

This. Person. Had. Too. Much. Free. Time.

The Sneaky Plotter

Because there is no better way of ensuring your friends and family will not ask you for rides when you drive around this Bad Boy.

The Sleeping Beauty

"Goodnight my sweet Edward." ... the only difficult question here is: which do you kiss before bed? The comforter or the pillow? Wouldn't want Edward 1 or Edward 2 to get jealous.

But Vampires Don't Eat!

...anything except delicious 'forbidden fruits,' that is. Aaaand by forbidden fruits, obviously I mean Valentines Day candy.


Why does Eddy look so mad? Is it because his face is on the wrong side, and he can't watch you shower? Perve.

The Musical Vampire
If there is one burning question in my mind after all of this, it is: exactly WHAT music does a musical Twilight jewelry box play? Answers accepted in the comments.

Vampires Think Of Everything
Whatsa matter? Your neck-bite bleeding all over your new Ralph Lauren sweater? Cover that sucker right up with these super-appropriate bandages!

The Winner Of The Irony Award

I could not possible imagine a better, or more delightful product to end with. Do you get it? Get it? It's a tampon holder. A VAMPIRE themed tampon holder. You know ... blood .... ugh. Figure it out yourself.

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