Monday, September 21, 2009

6 Toys that prepare your Six year olds for the REAL WORLD.

Remember when the school bus was a place of gathering in which we could all transport to the school in peace and social naivety? When saying the words "do it" called for peer mockery and humiliation. When eating a banana was just snickered upon by the bus peanut gallery (well I suppose that hasn't changed) but you can relate!
Well no longer will school children take to this kind of childish behavior from other school children. Due to the increase in technological advancements the business of toy making has provided an easy education for your seven year old to now patronize those backseat bullies!

Here are some ideas for Santa's lap!

1. The Breast Feeding Baby
Now we all know that babies come from storks, or at least thats what I thought when I was old enough to play with dolls. Now a days kids color code their underwear due to "what base" they have gotten to under the school bleachers. So for those kids who are just a little bit ahead of the social norm, we bring to them this little gem. It's a baby doll that cries when you dont "breast feed it". Of course, if your six year old has breasts then playing with this doll should be the least of your concerns!

2. STD Plushiessss!!!
Now let me tell you. As an avid toy tester, there is nothing quite like cuddling up with a starfish shaped HERPES when you get scurred of monsters under your bed at 3AM. Actually I prefer these to the glowworm which was the staple of my time (considering the glow worm suggested a striking connotation to a ... well... Booger (eek!))

3. The Tattoo Self Starter Kit
This one is for the Hannukah list kids! Nothing says wholesome sweetheart than a kid who brings his own tattoo kit to a birthday party. Anyone up for a snake with boobies!??

4. The booby tassle top!
Nothing prepares a seven year old for the street like a booby tassle top. Great for Belly Dancing, Pole Dancing or really any kind of dancing a six year old in the year 2009 should be participating in. Notice the caption "Something for the Evening" (that was just so ripe in itself that I honestly have nothing more to snark about on the booby tassle top for six year olds).

5. Baby you can Shave!

Yes Kids thats right! YOUUU SHAVE THE BABY! I am not sure if it is because this baby is of Oriental decent or really why this baby is so hairy? Is there some sort of epidemic I am unaware of or is this what smoking pot will do to your children? Anyway, that is neither here nor there. The important thing is kids now know not only how to shave someone in the instance of booking a barber shop quartet gig, but also they will be less sensitive to baring a child with animalistic birth defects. WIN!

Oh and this will be as big as Tickle Me Elmo...

Barbie was busy.

(Pictures and inspiration due to



  1. I'm digging the tattoo self-starter kit. I could have given myself my own sleeve.