Monday, June 8, 2009

NJ Pride, or: Where I mock guidos

So, after booking a plane ticket home to visit my glorious childhood home state of New Jersey (save your jokes, people. I've heard them) I was inspired to write a little rant on the less glorious feature of The Dirty, mainly guido's.

For all you amateaurs, Wikipedia so helpfully describes this particular breed of human (partial human??) as "is a slang term for a younger lower class or working class Italian-American. The Guido stereotype is often portrayed as humorously thuggish with an overtly macho attitude and an unyielding pride in his Italian ancestry.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have no problem with Italian-Americans. In fact, I'm sure you all have watched at least one snippet of The Soprano's, a Jersey-tastic show in its own right, and will concur with me that although many a NJ-dwelling-male is stereotypically in the mob, this is not what I refer to, nor am I bashing the entire cultural sect in general.

What I find fault with is the guido guys, which Wikipedia continues to define for me so eloquently in a section titled "Style of Guidos" :

Clothing associated with the stereotype includes gold chains, working class clothing such as plain T-shirts, muscle shirts, leather jackets, sweat or tracksuits, scally caps [note: WHAT?], unbuttoned dress shirts, and dress suits. Slicked-back hair or pompadours are a common stereotype, as are moustaches. Recently, heavily gelled spiked hair has become a common stereotype. The hairstyle is commonly referred to as the Blowout or Brooklyn Fade – "Brook" [again: WHAT?], for short.

So, upon informing you, dear readers, of all this helpful and necessary backstory into the basic identity of a Guido, I was prepared to showcase many a damning photo, perhaps with witty anecdotes. But no- I won't do that. Not because I'm lazy (which I am), but because some genius out there in the great World Wide Web of Opportunity did it for me. And so, I bestow upon you the following annotated diagram of a Guido:

(click the pic to read captions)



  1. Hey, what is Frankie doin' on the Internet. Yo, Frankie! Signed, Frankie's Mom.

  2. I'm second generation Italian and I fully support your assault on Guidos. Good PR reps insist that the first step is rebranding. Guido is a cool name - just typing it makes my want to head butt someone - so you should start by providing a new name. I might suggest Fabrizio. Typing this makes me want to wear a floppy hat and play bocce.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. I've always wanted gay lip gloss on my junk...

    ...and I don't have any New Jersey jokes. I didn't even think it really existed until I read this.

  5. hahahahhaahhaahahahaahaha, they said Bocce!