The Homeless Wiki: Or, I May Go To Hell For This One

Homeless people. So hard to categorize! At first glance they all seem so similar and .... without home. But take a closer glance and you'll see that this species is anything but....


[Sidenote: This entry, like all, is 100% in sardonic jest. I do not support nor feel any sense of happiness when homelessness is mentioned, just as I don't enjoy puppies being stomped on. I promise. Take this as fluffy fun, and feel better about yourself 'cause YOU didn't write it. Then go give a beggar a cup of coffee.]




Homeless #1: The animal trick

By far, I find this the most infuriating of homeless types. You've seen 'em all before. The many dude (or chick!) with the adorable homeless puppy/dog/kitten/bunny/panda bear curled up on a tattered blanket or in their lap. Bonus (or should I say 'demerits') points for if the sign displaced mentions said animal, ex: "Fido is so hungry." You dick. Why do you have a dog? That's just mean. Sure, he's getting tons of sun, but are you leaving your corner to go walk him? Does he have proper health care? It's one thing to let yourself rot on the streets, but little Fido never had a choice. The same goes for children. Duh.




Homeless #2: Straight chillin [boozin']

Until the alcohol starts to hit their system, these fellas wouldn't bother you with a ten foot pole ... that is, unless to ask for booze. Once it does, they will fully entertain themselves with the plastic flask of whatever happens to look good (be handed to them? be donated? How on Earth does a homeless person choose their weapon of choice?). They will sit there, suckling at the sweet teat of alcoholism until they pass out, not realizing they're on the street. In a way, this sleep is probably way satisfying; so maybe this breed has figured out how to remain 'happy' whilst living on the streets. Note: This group also tends to get loud/emotional/angry, so tread lightly around their presence. No one wants to get into a street barfight with a guy you can smell at fifty paces away.



Homeless #3: The merry gang

No home? Misery loves company. Check out your nearest seedy underpass, abandoned property, or shady drug-littered riverbank. A posse is right around the corner! These groupings are often highlighted by friendly fires, tent camps, and a feeling of group merriment and social warmth! And also, a super pleasant group stench.

Homeless #4: The techie

Although the gentlemen above that represents the Ultimate Age of Technology (slash Irony) also is representative of the hated/dreaded Homeless Type #1 - the animal trick, we will focus on his main quality. The fact this dude is so hooked up, he plopped himself down in a park with public wifi, to better peruse Ebays offerings, one can assume. But no- let's not come to that foul and unflattering conclusion. I'm sure he's purveying the offerings on Monster.com, preparing his resume, and reading Twitter.

Homeless #5: The No Bullshitter

The competition for wittiest sign is often a merciless one. Not quite sure what the success rate is; after all, whilst I appreciate your honesty, I really do, I don't want to fund your drug addiction anymore than I want to fund my own. Sorry, pal.

Homeless #6: The sleeper

Man! Those homeless can sleep ANYWHERE! These guys are the best, 'cause you can just step over or around them, and you're no worse for the wear! Also, they should be congratulated for the abilities. I cannot personally cozy up on a bed of newspapers, nor can I sleep in the sun in three-digit heat, nor bundled up in 1 blanket in sub freezing temps. Human resilience at its finest!

Homeless #7: The architect

When young Ned emerges from his luxurious lair, he can enjoy a moment of sunbathing out on his deck, or perhaps a quick BBQ of rat he's caught in the sumptous blue tarp he calls home. WIN!

Homeless #8: The vet.

I have nothing to snark on them. They make me sad. God Bless America?


Homeless #9: I just couldn't end on veterans

These carside beggars are debatably even homeless, and I'd like to err on the side of 'no,' but I just couldn't end on the heartbreaking note of war veterans. These people piss me off. I want to enjoy a bit of fresh air, not your arm poking through my window. If you really think this is more productive than sitting on the side of the street, you are wrong (I think? I've never attempted either, to be honest). You are just annoying and you make me have to concentrate REALLY hard on the road whilst I'm stopped at a stoplight. Also, aren't you worried of getting run over??? Talk about job hazards!

-Li

Paul Abdul: The end of a career, the beginning of an era.

As most of you will be distraught to hear if you haven't done so already, one of America's most beloved critics has ninja stared her career in the back of the head with.. well.. a ninja star.

Paul Abdul, the best pop star to ever have lived on God's green earth decided to commit financial and public eye suicide this week by ending her career as the GREATEST JUDGE EVER on the hit phenomenon show "American Idol".

This was Paula's response:


Now as a mandatory guideline to being a citizen of America (like voting) we are required to watch American Idol (Cubans... be shocked). And as a civil duty this it will not be the same to perform without the overt enthusiasm and slurred positive reinforcement supplied by the prettiest woman on television, who let's face in Sarah but will probably now go on to be our first female cat dancing president.

But have no fear citizens, I... have supplied a way for us to choose as a country who will be the next American Idol judge to follow in the footsteps of Lord Abdul.

The options you should all be familiar with and remember your vote is purely confidential so be sure to post it on the comments portion following the candidates pitch.

Candidate Option #1: Charo

Charo, formally known as María Rosario Pilar Martínez Molina Moquiere de les Esperades Santa Ana Romanguera y de la Najosa Rasten is one of Spain's most beloved pop divas of this century. Some may even refer to her as the Spanish Paula Abdul. With a little Spanish flavor on the panel we could draw in a bigger Latino crowd of viewers to 'American Idol' and who knows, perhaps soon Mexico will have their very own 'American Idol'. I don't think you need a green card to audition and Charo will be a healthy advocate of diversity!

Candidate Option #2: President Barack Obama

What better judge to have for American Idol then the president himself. A. He knows good music. B. What he says goes. and C. He typically has his Tuesday and Wednesday evenings free. Naturally, America, I say 'Yes We Can' move forward from the loss of Lord Abdul, together we will move forward as a nation. I mean we can always skype him in while he watches from the Oval Office right?

Candidate Option #3: Tyra Banks

Let's face it. If there is anyone more judgemental and mentally disabled as Paula Abdul, then Tyra Banks would be it. Honestly I think she would be a good candidate because we could just slip her right in there and nobody would ever notice the difference.

Candidate #4: Joan Rivers AND Donald Trump

If you think Simon is bad, this dynamic duo will bring the drama! If contestants have enough balls to get up in front of that panel and sing, perhaps we should just send them straight to the front lines to fight in Iraq. It will make the season much quicker and we will get straight to the point. Plus the amount of ridiculous quibble that will ensue between the judges will be not leave much time for any singing and isn't that what you want any way America? Celebrities, FIGHTING? Screw singing... singing is so... 2006.

Candidate #5: Milli Vanilli

No one knows a good set of vocal chords like these guys. Imagine how many people they auditioned to finally get the right sound for THEMSELVES. No but honestly if one of them wasn't dead I think it would be a kinda smart idea?


-Lo

Objectum Sexuality. Or, I've Seen It All Now.

Blog Note: My partner in blog slash crime, Lo, thinks that this story is false. Judge for yourself- this does seem a bit ... extreme. However, after some in depth, mind-numbing research, it would appear that unfortunately, she is horribly wrong. Typical.

And so, I present to you, the weirdest topic Snark N' Beans has ever faced: Obejctum Sexuality.

The "Objectum Sexuality" website describes this ... lifestyle ... as the following:

"Objectùm-Sexuality is an orientation to love objects.

Sexual orientation is defined as the nature of sexual preference while the prolific definition stands as: the direction of someone's sexual desire toward people of the opposite gender, people of the same gender, or people of both. This does not include objects.

However, orientation itself is defined as: a complex mental state involving beliefs and feelings and values and dispositions to act in certain ways. This does include objects as we see it.
We love objects and many of us in an intimate way and this feeling is innate. Objectùm-sexual love comes for most in a similar awakening as other sexualities at the start of puberty. This is often followed by an acute awareness that we do not relate to peers due to the source of the projected feelings. Often objectùm-sexual people feel outcast or pressured by mainstream sexuality with a helpless feeling that we cannot change what comes so naturally."

In laymans terms, these people are pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable to view romantically or not. Sure, I'll betcha that in the olden days of yore, homosexuality was viewed in a similar light- but c'mon people. Let's draw the line. People loving people = cool. People loving objects = debatable.

Sure, I love my Gucci loafers as much as the next designer diva, but that doesn't mean I go around spooning them at night. I don't hold dreams of our future together; with Gucci loafer #1 providing for us and our children (adopted, natch- don't be silly here!) and Gucci loafer #2 bringing home the bacon -- and speaking of bacon, that can get awkward sometimes, because my Gucci loafers have the WORST appetite! Going out to a restaurant with them can be sooo embarassing. I've tried to confront them about their apparent anorexia but .... oh. wait. THEY'RE SHOES.

Meet Amy Wolf. Amy, the subject of a recent news article.(http://jezebel.com/5331003/woman-to-wed-amusement-park-ride)

She is in love with a fairground ride called 1001 Nacht, for which she writes poetry. In case you're wondering, her lover, who I'm sure she tenderly refers to as "Nachty" (GET IT?!) is pictured above.

The article says of Amy that "...based on appearances, she seems like an out-and-proud lesbian, but has no interest in humans. She also loves a church banister, a banister in her home, and the Empire State building."

Well, it seems like Amy is a little bit of a minx, huh? How does she balance all of her lovers?? And good lord- how have none of them found out about the others?!

To the untrained eye, this might appear to be the Paris landmark, The Eiffel Tower. However, to a woman named Erika, it is her husband. She has since renamed herself Erika Eiffel. I wish I was joking.

In one of my personal favorite examples, this woman poses by the Berlin Wall on her wedding day. No, her wife- (yes, wife. Erika describes her lover as feminine) isn't cropped out of the picture. She's standing right next to it. The day is June 14, 1979, and they've been very happy since. But she doesn't like referring to the structure as "it" because "calling something an 'it' instantly means it's inanimate." She gets "a sense" of an object's gender. According to her, the Eiffel Tower is female.

Again, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

But what does this mean for the average person? How can we relate to what we would typically view as such deviant, debatably mentally unstable behavior? No need to fear. The smash hit feature film "Anchorman" finally gave the Objectum Sexuality followers someone in pop culture to look up to. And that man is Steve Carrell.

Things Celebrities Like, so you better like them too GOD DAMNIT.

Good Afternoon Children of the Interweb,

Today I would like to talk to you about a little thing I like to call "interests". Many of you have interests such as horse back riding, cooking, drinking, boche, scrabble in your moms high heels, taco tuesdays at Wahoo's, and other interests that go without saying. Well as I have said before and will say over and over again, Celebrities are people too. They have interests just like us. It is part of my "interest" to find a way to compare and humanize celebrities in order to relate to them, seeing that living in Los Angeles very much disconnects me with these other worldly creatures. 

The story goes like this. 

One day when I was scanning the book store for an apparent 'classic' that was recommended to me. It was entitled "Dewey, The Small Town Library Cat Who Touched The World". Refer to 

A-1.

A-1

Shortly after discovering this novel, another book caught my eye something more fascinating and culturally in depth, something that would educate me on a topic that was foreign and completely irrelevant to my way of life, yet it intrigued me to a degree of which I can only demonstrate with a facial expression. The book was called "Stuff White People Like". See A-2

A-2

Now this got me thinking... If someone can interpret the most complicated of species... Caucasian's... then perhaps I can analyze the third most complicated of species, the CELEBRITY! If Perez can attempt, well by Godsakes America so can I.

The following are just a sampling of some "interests" I believe may be "Stuff Celebrities Like".

A. RELIGIONS ABOUT ALIENS.

Teehee. Tom Cruise ISSSS silly. He thinks:

No lie. Really. He does. So do other celebrities, Rule number one on the path to becoming a celebrity, get rid of this dude! ASAP! He sent other aliens to take over yours and Tom Cruise's body. SEE CELEBRITIES ARE JUST LIKE US!

B. CARS THAT MAKE YOU CRAVE A POP TART.

This is a car. Not to be confused with a Toaster. I don't know what kind of car, don't ask me. If I were to guess..hmmm I would imagine it would be called Christian Bales Vagine VM8. If you don't believe me that this car will also warm your ego waffles, take a look at the image below:

See Toaster. 

The only people that would drive these are the shameless celebrities who have an ego large enough to make toast the same size. Yup.

C. DRESSING YOUR PET LIKE ANOTHER FAMOUS CELEBRITY AND OR FICTIONAL CHARACTER

 This dog is dressed like Strawberry Shortcake. No it's not Halloween, no he is not FEMALE, actually. How about this PETA, how about you back off OBAMA for his fly swattage and get on top of the cruelty that is Paris Hilton. 

DISCLAIMER: Not all things celebrities like are good. They also like fur, basketball and annorexia. See where I'm going with this?

D. PRISON BRACELETS

In the photo above is a demonstration of Lindsay Lohan wearing her jail bracelet around her ankle. I think this less a safety device and more a fashion statement. I mean Chanel thought so when she made these:

Thanks for this Lindsay. Thanks for this alot. 

-Lo.

Drivers Across The Great US of A: Or, Why Bad Driving is Bi-Coastal

'From sea to shining sea' .... there are drivers that are completely idiotic, unsafe, unwise, and all around pretty damn shitty. I will take no exception from this, as I definitely fall into one of the categories below [which one? you'll have to speculate...!] But enough about me. Let's take a looksie at some of my favorite groups of Worst Drivers In America!


The New York City Driver

NYC drivers for too long have not had their moment in the glorious spotlight of Worst Drivers In America. For TOO LONG have cabbies proudly held the attention of the world- and no longer! Although cabs amount for a majority of horribly offensive city driving, the residents of NYC drive in exactly the same way they act. Brashly, rudely, aggressively, and with no concern for others.

Do not let this be confused with Boston or NJ drivers. Each breed is slightly different. NYC drivers are of the opinion that they are above mere mortals; being those scummy public transportation riders.

The honor bestowed upon a resident of NYC, especially Manhattan, that owns and drives their own car, is not one taken lightly. After all, the assumption is that if you've already dropped the dough for a private parking space and or fought your neighbors tooth and nail for streetside parking relatively close to your apartment- you deserve it! And, after all, what more NYC mentality is there than 'I deserve the best because I AM the best' ?

The Rainy LA Driver

Los Angeles is a lucky city. Its drivers get broken up into subcategories; the Rainy Day Driver, and the Sunny Day Driver. Fortunately for SoCal, sunny days far outnumber rainy ones. However, when the drizzle starts, Angelenos completely forget the basic concepts of driving. Speed limits are rendered useless as everyone on the road drops to a safe 15 MPH, lest they be swept away by the floods, or slid clear off the slippery wet roadways.

'Safety first' is the attempt here; when in actuality, cars crawling along roadways and people panicking about the hazardous conditions is anything but.


The Sunny LA Driver

Los Angeles: City of Smog. As an LA transplant, I can mock this freely. As a non-native, I am not forced to defend the wonders of smog and the magical sunsets it produces. Instead, I can sit back at marvel/bash the ridiculous amount of congestion and the burdens it causes. LA Drivers, for lack of a better description, do not give a shit.

They have been hardened by years of stop-and-go, or standstill traffic, to the point where they realize they will make it to their destination, but the length of time is completely indeterminate.

Turn signals? Why bother. Merging? Just do it.

A complete sense of passivity has overtaken the great people of Los Angeles, and why? Traffic has owned them. They are the slaves to the freeway and the freeway is king.


The Sleepy Driver

It's 7AM. That blue car in front of you is tugging along with suspiciously slow reflexes to simple road encounters such as red lights, slowing cars, pedestrians with small children. You think to yourself- is he drunk? Hungover? Nah, just a little sleepy in the morning. Pay no mind; they haven't arrived at the office and forced the intern to pick them up a Double Shot Skinny Cafe Mocha No Whip. It's not their fault their eyes are crusty.

The Boston Driver

Ahh, the Big Dig. I can only imagine the multitude of angry letters, written by lowly residents of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. The Big Dig, while well intentioned, is the cornerstone of why Boston Drivers hate their lives.

Not to be confused with New Yorkers pretension, Boston drivers rely solely on their aggression to drive the winding, aimless surface streets, and ominous, circling freeways that trap Boston in their asphalt grasp. Horn sounds pierce the air like chirping birds. Fists are thrown freely out the windows. Screams and angry shouts are muffled by closed windows. Ahh, a Boston Symphony.

The Multitasking Driver

Typically, this Shitty Driver category belongs to women, but I am no sexist. This term can be shared with all. You've seen this driver on every road, and every time they do not cease to impress. You take a quick glance over, scoping out the driver next to you. I have even devised a simple scorecard to play Multitasking Driver: The Game -

+1 Point if.....

.driver is applying makeup [except eye makeup]

.driver is on hands free cell phone

.driver is singing AND dancing

.driver is eating a sandwich

+2 Points if....

.driver is applying eye makeup

.driver is holding cell phone

.driver is eating something that requires utensils

+3 Points if....

.driver is reading

.driver is writing.

.driver is sleeping

ENJOY!

The NJ Driver

Ahh, home sweet home. Jersey drivers biggest pet peeve is being compared to NYC drivers. Do not make this fatal mistake. NJ drivers are proud of their state- which is mainly composed of an intricate highway system.

Another proud trait: their ability to drive more then 45 miles over the speed limit. If you are on a NJ highway, and you are not going above 85, you are a LOSER. Yes, I said it. A LOSER. In direct correlation to this is NJ drivers innate ability to spot and or sense police enforcement from a mile away. Why is this highway clogged up for just a quarter of a mile you ask? Well, keep your eyes peeled for the bushes. Chances are, theres a NJ state policeman just awaiting the stupid driver who doesn't slow down to a crawl for the brief moment they're passing him. We NJ locales would never make THAT mistake.

The Old Driver

You're too old. Just get off the road.

Eyebrows/ How to spot people you shouldn't trust.

Dear America,

On the anniversary of bringing back the Snark, I figured I would kick off my post with a public service announcement. You have all been warned about reality television, small dogs wearing yoga gear, and family portraits that might give small children nightmares in the year 2045. But I am sure no one has warned you about the following. Be concerned no longer America, for I have provided a simple outline below for you to follow in order to catch your very own unsettling suspect. The secret lies within the realm of one overlooked facial feature, THE EYEBROW (singular in many cases). Bum bum bummmmmmmmahhhhhhhhhhhh!

The eyebrow is often mistaken for its archaic purpose of protecting the eye from sweat and other diseases falling from the sky. But we all know through the teachings of evolution that the human body has adapted to using an invention called the "baseball cap" to prevent such diseases from entering the face through the places we cry. Thus providing no further use for the eyebrow, seemingly. Today the eyebrow is used to spot characters who seem alarmingly suspicious. I hope the following examples will allow to further educate you and your children/ cats on the subject. 

CASE #A: "THE MISMATCH"

This is the most obvious case of mistaken criminals. Often they are seemingly normal and only confused. Perhaps they have grayed in the upper half of the head but failed to gray slightly below. This is not a natural form of progression which leads us to believe that the brain has failed to progress as well. I am not saying that someone with mismatched eyebrows will steal your children... I am simply implying that they might bag your outdoor pets. Be weary.

CASE #B: "CELEBRITY CRAZY BROWS"
Those of you who have seen a real life celebrity know that they are actually a hologram of which only paparazzi believe to ACTUALLY exist (sillies). But the celebrity eyebrow is often the most requested in the salon, and can classify you as a crazy drug taker too. Don't let this happen to you woodstock goers.

CASE #C: "MAKEUP STOPPERS"

Above are two examples of people not to trust. If you are not sure where to stop applying the eye shadow DO NOT APPLY AT ALL. These people are often the ones who arrive at your door to watch your children on the seemingly average saturday night, only to find out that your six your old is now stuffing her bra with maxi pads and piercing her own lip. And if she was watching your 13 year old son, don't be surprised when she comes knocking on YOUR DOOR nine months later for her own child support. 

CASE #D: "TATTOO WHAT WHATS?"

This looks like a mug shot. Let this speak for itself, and I hope this woman is not reading snark n beans or my name is now Gullah Hogbavich.

CASE #F: "THE  OLD SILLY GLASSES WITH FACIAL FEATURES ATTACHED TRICK"

Well this is just silly because we know this man is wearing a disguise offered in a McDonalds Happy Meal. He is alright, you don't have to be worried about Rico.

-Lo

Six Flags? More like NO flags! ... Or, Why Six Flags Sucked My Balls

Dear Six Flags Magic Mountain,

I wanted to like you. I really did! I have thoroughly enjoyed your other parks, namely Six Flags Great Adventure, your greatest park ever created, and also Six Flags New England, which was fine by me.

However, you created a massive FAIL with this one.

Let's start off with your lines. Yes, I am aware that large theme parks, especially on summer weekends, are bound to be crowded. But I think that you would save yourself from hearing a lot of grief from unhappy customers if you would simply shut the park off from additional guests when you reached capacity. FYI, 'capacity' is what I would call it when there is a minimum of 2.5 hour line for every. ride. in. the park. No, not just the mega coasters, every. ride.

Also- you're located in the steaming, baking California desert sun. Yea, I know- I can't blame you for that ... although a better real estate purchase would have undoubtedly been, say, ANYWHERE closer to the coastline. But I digress. Perhaps some water misters located strategically around the park (not just on lines)? That would be sweet. My overheating, aching, line-enduring body would sure enjoy that.

And, maybe your corporation should realize that when you charge 15$ for parking, and $30-$60 for entrance, you should cut the absurdly ridiculous price tags for cold beverages? $4 for a vending machine soda is highway robbery. $5 for a bottle of water is criminal. and $14 for a 'collectible cup' that has approx the same amount of liquid as a $1.99 7-11 fountain drink? I'm horrified. Horrifed!

Fun fact, 6flagz. Nay, pointer: If you have to employ someone to stand near the beginning of a line and hand out 'passes' to save your spot if you need to take a PEE BREAK the line is so long ... you should probably rethink your line strategies. Waiting 3 hours for a 30 second ride is sooo not rewarding, no matter how much I want to vomit and/or scream with joy whilst I'm riding.

Ugh, 6flagz. I wanted to have a fun day at your park. But you just did not cooperate! So, I will not be back. I hope you enjoyed my ticket+parking money. Think of it as a donation, 'cause I sure didn't get any of my money's worth.

Sincerely,

Li