Snark 'n Beans

EXPOSED; Or, Why The World Can't Keep A Secret Anymore

2009-12-14T12:47:00.000-08:00

So, by now you may have heard about some golfer who has apparently been running around on his wife with any woman who has two legs and a face. (And maybe even some without a face!) -- But I'm not going to talk about that. Not only because I could care less, except for the vague sympathy I have for his wife (and sponsors, OF COURSE) but because I think the 'outing' of a certain Cougar Forest (get it? do you see what I did there???) is more important as the lens to focus on the state of our society (Deep.)

You see, I myself had an enraging experience last night when I signed on to my computer to discover that no secrets are longer able to be kept. And why? Why have both Cougar and I befallen the same fate that allows our lives to be destroyed? Simple answer:

SOCIAL. MEDIA.

Now, bear with me. I digress a bit. If this blog post leaves you with any knowledge, it should be that there is an incredibly riveting television program on Sunday evenings. This program, airing on Showtime, is entitled Dexter. It is, quite simply, fabulous entertainment. If you haven't watched, I thoroughly implore you to do so. However, a fun fact that didn't-particular-matter-until-2thousandsomething is the fact that America's television programming airs in a staggered manner. Because of these *crazy* "lines" drawn haphazardly across the continental US called "time zones." See below.

These "time zones," or "t-zones" as all the hip cats are calling it these days, mean that original programming airs first on the East Coast, then Central, then Mountain, and so on. Meaning, whilst I am enjoying my 7pm dinnertime in Los Angeles, my good buddies over in New York City are plopping down to an evening of epic television programming that I won't even dream of watching for another 3 hours. DO. YOU. SEE. WHERE. I'M. GOING. HERE.

No? Another example.

The Oscars. Undoubtedly this is Film's Biggest Night Out. The stars are in their finest, and the good people of America are glued to their TV sets .... well, the good people of the East Coast, that is. Although the Oscars themselves are held, "live" (obviously), in LA, the residents of that very same city, whose traffic has been rerouted for this very event, will not watch these events unfold until 3 hours after they are actually happening.

And so, digression comes back full circle, as I show Exhibit 1: Star of Dexter's Personal Twitter Page. If you will note from this screenshot, Star of Dexter, Julie Bowen, makes note that all you bastards on the East Coast had better not ruin it for us innocent West coasters.

And yet, were her words heard? NO. By 7:45PM Pacific Time, I knew every major plot twist in the season finale of my favorite television show. And I know, wah wah wah, the world's tinest violin is playing. But I am an innocent victim here! A victim of time zones and, more importantly, just like Cougar, SOCIAL MEDIA.

When both the season finale of Dexter aired and when Cougar's dirty laundry aired, they were immediately scooped up by the general population and "tweeted," posted onto Facebook, turned into internet chat "statuses" and published and republished and skewed and announced on blogs around the world. A person would have to CLOSE THEIR EYES and hide under the covers just to avoid a news story, or, perhaps, a television spoiler, they didn't want to hear yet.

And so, as my angry rant comes to a close, I beg of you America --- think of the West Coasters. Sure, we act like we're all content, all warm and palm-tree-ified down here in LA, and I'm sure Oregon and Washington have nice aspects to them, as well. But I beg- and I beg for all of us. STFU.

-Li

5 Role Models to ensure your Reality Show Pitch is a Success!!

2009-12-03T10:12:00.000-08:00

Hello loyal readers of the S n B. We welcome you back after our hiatus period and realize that our advice and commentary is as necessary as ever in the economical time of recession.

As some of you may or may not know, the most magical time of year is just around the bend....

PILOT SEASON!

This means fresh ideas are floating around the entertainment industry and the studio's are all ears! Now as an insider of the entertainment industry, I am a valid source for everything that is Television...and let me tell you a little secret, (reality tv is all the rage! shhh). So as a special holiday treat to all of you, I am letting you in on a few secrets ( key word here being secrets) to the path of your own reality television success. Alright lets get to it!

ROLE MODEL NUMERO UNO:

BALLOON BOY

Okay for those of you living in A CAVE without reality television or Perez Hilton... I give you Balloon Boy. Actually his name is Falcon Heene and if you don't know the tale of Balloon Boy, as your savor I shall enlighten you. (Those of your seeking a career as a reality tv thesp should take extensive notes).

Falcon Heene is a boy of eight. One day he saw a small puppy (it was a Bassett Hound) crawl into a tiny opening on the side of his parents Space Craft Carrier. The carrier was still under construction and the parents had not learned how to pressurize the cabin, which inhibited the space craft from being aerial accessible. This child, after being inspired by the incredible 3 Dimensional visual trip of Disney's recent animation 'UP', saw opportunity to be the NEIGHBORHOOD hero. Young Falcon dove into the balloon after the puppy and as an evil villian crept up behind him and unhinged the balloon from its stakes. AWAY the balloon went carrying Falcon to far and unfamiliar places, only to land in a small town off an island near Zimbabwe. ONLY when the National Guard opened the cabin of the balloon, they found only the puppy! But where was young Falcon! The neighbors had seen him go into the balloon to save the Basset Hound coyly named Kibbles. As the search continued for Falcon, Falcon mysteriously emerged from the Attic of his home with scars and bruises and a copy of the classic "Jumanji" in his hands.

No one knows what happened to poor Falcon that day, only that he is alive and safe, and his parents will be thrown into jail for having a space craft carrier and a copy of Jumanji.

But the REAL secret to Falcon's reality stardom? Puke on national television during an interview, keep the mystery alive you little reality boy genius!

ROLE MODEL NUMERO DOS

THE PREGNANT MAN

Okay so you may start to sense a pattern here. Most of these reality stars are famous because of some sort of magic. But I'm talking more than just your average smoke and mirrors here, I'm talking real serious crazy God magic. Yes Thomas Beatie is a man, who was once a woman..... now okay okay I know your like "wait! that doesn't count? but does it? huh?!" I know I felt a little cheated too when I heard Thomas Beatie used to just be Beatie (and not to mention a hot model!). But at this point I was already sucked into the story. I mean this guy really new how to milk it! And to be honest this is one reality show I wouldn't want to miss an episode of. It must be really interesting how a man with testosterone gets rid of all of that baby fat, and well their child will have a very inspiring story to tell at pep rallys as head cheerleader. I know by the following picture that the advertisement industry was very inspired by this story.

Yeah ladies! Treat yourself to a cocktail, let the man do the job it is 2010 isn't it?

ROLE MODEL NUMERO TRES

KATE GOSSELIN and NO NAMED OCTOMOM!

Now don't be alarmed people, this is Octomom and this is natural. She has eight babies at one time in her tummy. Although Octomom did not have much success with getting her own reality television stunt, (which doesn't make much sense to me, I'm sure she has plenty of time on her hands as a single mom and all) there are other woman who popped out a whole litter in one sitting.

This is John and Kate, they also have eight babies. But this photo was taken before the reality drama because Kate could not afford shoes before the program hit the air. Honestly if you are a family of eight really the only logical way to pay the bills is to exploit yourself and your family for America's entertainment. It's sad but it's true and it makes everyone else happy so suck it up. Not to mention John and Kate have become one of the most successful reality thesps in the industry. And how do you know when you have reached the ultimate success?

When other well loved/ known reality thesps are being you for Halloween!!!! (above Heidi and Spencer of the Hills) successors supporting successors, really its a beautiful thing this reality television.

I even found this photo of Shaquille O'Neal lending his loving support to team Kate after the ugly split. So yes you may have to pay the reality star price ($Yourhusbandsleepingwithhooker.00) but at least you can buy yourself shoes and Ed Hardy briefs!

ROLE MODEL NUMERO CUATRO

THE GIRL WITH TWO VAGINAS

This is the girl with TWO vaginas. Can you say next BACHELORETTE!! Well I can. And I think this girl should get to pick two guys. Woman of America, this is your new reality competition be afraid be very afraid, this chick uses some serioussss Magic.

ROLE MODEL NUMERO CINCO

VIRGINIAN WHITE HOUSE CRASHERS

Alright you know you are on the path to success when,

1. Nobody knows your actual name and you are now referred to as 'Balloon Boy', 'Octomom', or 'Virginian White House Crashers'.

2. You have a camera crew on you (for free) from point A of the operation.

3. You don't die (this is how America typically knows season two is coming)

I don't know about you guys but if these people get a reality show I want it to be something really juicy, none of that hair pulling, charity ball throwing bullshit. I want to see these people crashing Tea Parties at Buckingham Palace and stirring up some drama on a family's Islamic Pilgrimage to Mecca. These people mean business, and THIS AMERICA... is how reality should be.

-Lo

Twilight Fever, or, How To Waste Your Money

2009-11-30T18:30:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well. Haven't seen you all for awhile. My apologies, I was too busy getting caught up in My nEw CrAzIi ObSeSsIoN- TwILiGhT. [note: that took me like 5 minutes to type. Being a tween typer must be exhausting]

But don't fear, faithful readers-- Snark 'n Beans is back in hysterically witty action, and with no further distractions, I bring you ... The Greatest Movie Merchandise Ever Created Ever.

Twilight fans ... you may want to stop reading now. Or maybe you're a glutton for punishment and like to be mocked. In that case, go right on ahead.

The Horrifying Wall Decal

OK. Here's how I picture this scenario going: Girl lives alone. Girl gets home kinda late, and a little tipsy. Girl turns on bathroom light, and gives a quick glance out into her bedroom. Girl proceeds to have MASSIVE HEART FAILURE when she spies a lifesize silhouette of what appears to be a dark and ominous killer lurking by her bed. End scene.

The Musical Prodigy

This little treat is perfect for campfire singalongs AND bloodbaths!

What Time Is It?

IT'S TWILIGHT TIME, BITCHES.

Because Your Pets Can't Argue Back

First of all, an aside. I love how this product is stamped with Made In The USA. As if the fact that America created this doggy ensemble to torture your pets is something we should be proud of. Well, I'm not. Also, poor Fido.

Keepin' It Clean

Nothing really gets to those hard-to-reach, naughty, dirty spots like a long-haired werewolf. Should I be ashamed I know what mythical creature this dude plays? Maybe.

The Blood Flask

The only thing tweens better be keeping in here is cranberry juice. You know ... for the color. Of course. Ugh, who am I kidding? Youth of America, you grow up too fast.

Twi-panties

Because there's nothing sexier to your man than stripping down to your vampire-movie-themed skivvies.

The Stained Socks

Your feet! They're ... bleeding! .... just kidding. Sweet themed socks, bro.

Craftiness is next to Godliness

This. Person. Had. Too. Much. Free. Time.

The Sneaky Plotter

Because there is no better way of ensuring your friends and family will not ask you for rides when you drive around this Bad Boy.

The Sleeping Beauty

"Goodnight my sweet Edward." ... the only difficult question here is: which do you kiss before bed? The comforter or the pillow? Wouldn't want Edward 1 or Edward 2 to get jealous.

But Vampires Don't Eat!

...anything except delicious 'forbidden fruits,' that is. Aaaand by forbidden fruits, obviously I mean Valentines Day candy.

Rub-a-dub-dub

Why does Eddy look so mad? Is it because his face is on the wrong side, and he can't watch you shower? Perve.

The Musical Vampire

If there is one burning question in my mind after all of this, it is: exactly WHAT music does a musical Twilight jewelry box play? Answers accepted in the comments.

Vampires Think Of Everything

Whatsa matter? Your neck-bite bleeding all over your new Ralph Lauren sweater? Cover that sucker right up with these super-appropriate bandages!

The Winner Of The Irony Award

I could not possible imagine a better, or more delightful product to end with. Do you get it? Get it? It's a tampon holder. A VAMPIRE themed tampon holder. You know ... blood .... ugh. Figure it out yourself.

6 Toys that prepare your Six year olds for the REAL WORLD.

2009-09-21T15:46:00.000-07:00

Remember when the school bus was a place of gathering in which we could all transport to the school in peace and social naivety? When saying the words "do it" called for peer mockery and humiliation. When eating a banana was just snickered upon by the bus peanut gallery (well I suppose that hasn't changed) but you can relate!

Well no longer will school children take to this kind of childish behavior from other school children. Due to the increase in technological advancements the business of toy making has provided an easy education for your seven year old to now patronize those backseat bullies!

Here are some ideas for Santa's lap!

1. The Breast Feeding Baby

Now we all know that babies come from storks, or at least thats what I thought when I was old enough to play with dolls. Now a days kids color code their underwear due to "what base" they have gotten to under the school bleachers. So for those kids who are just a little bit ahead of the social norm, we bring to them this little gem. It's a baby doll that cries when you dont "breast feed it". Of course, if your six year old has breasts then playing with this doll should be the least of your concerns!

2. STD Plushiessss!!!
Now let me tell you. As an avid toy tester, there is nothing quite like cuddling up with a starfish shaped HERPES when you get scurred of monsters under your bed at 3AM. Actually I prefer these to the glowworm which was the staple of my time (considering the glow worm suggested a striking connotation to a ... well... Booger (eek!))

3. The Tattoo Self Starter Kit
This one is for the Hannukah list kids! Nothing says wholesome sweetheart than a kid who brings his own tattoo kit to a birthday party. Anyone up for a snake with boobies!??

4. The booby tassle top!
Nothing prepares a seven year old for the street like a booby tassle top. Great for Belly Dancing, Pole Dancing or really any kind of dancing a six year old in the year 2009 should be participating in. Notice the caption "Something for the Evening" (that was just so ripe in itself that I honestly have nothing more to snark about on the booby tassle top for six year olds).

5. Baby you can Shave!

Yes Kids thats right! YOUUU SHAVE THE BABY! I am not sure if it is because this baby is of Oriental decent or really why this baby is so hairy? Is there some sort of epidemic I am unaware of or is this what smoking pot will do to your children? Anyway, that is neither here nor there. The important thing is kids now know not only how to shave someone in the instance of booking a barber shop quartet gig, but also they will be less sensitive to baring a child with animalistic birth defects. WIN!

Oh and this will be as big as Tickle Me Elmo...

Barbie was busy.

(Pictures and inspiration due to
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/14/the-7-most-inappropriate_n_286223.html?slidenumber=0#slide_image)

-Lo

NY Fashion Week: Or, Why Do People Pay Thousands for Ugly Shit?

2009-09-14T10:40:00.001-07:00

Ahh, New York's Fall Fashion Week. One of my favorite times of the year, personally. So many fun faces, styles, patterns, drapings, and most importantly, fashion disasters. While living in LA, I find myself pouring over the almost 24/7 coverage of the Week, be it via websites or Twitter (yes, I've resorted to up-to-the-minute coverage on Twitter. Don't judge me ... or just keep your mouth shut!)

But one of the best parts about NYFW are the disasters. Or at least, what I interpret to be disasters. Unlike couture shows, these clothes are made ready-to-wear .. in theory. Which is why it's so godamn fun to rip them to shreds and make the generalizing assumption that no woman in her right mind (or man- whatever. Your life!) would wear these garments walking down the street. And so I present to you, a possible PART ONE OF TWO (hold your applause) -- Liza's Official Critique of the Worst Looks Thus Far in NY Fall Fashion Week, or "LOC of the WLTF in NYFFW" for short.

Look #1: Whitney Eve

Now, I cannot judge this fashion designer that harshly ... for she is a 22 year old reality TV star. Whitney Port, star of MTV's rivetinggg hit series 'The City' and formerly 'The Hills' has turned into a fashion designer for no other forseeable reason than she was bored. Props to her; when I'm bored I turn to snacks. So poor Whitney, I'll give it to you gently. By telling a story. When I was little I had a tiny dog who loved to eat crayons. It was an intense fascination. When he pooped, he would always poop out little rainbows- I kid you not. Did you have a dog like this? Was he or she your inspiration for this particular look? If so, you nailed it. Props!

Look #2: Vivienne Tam

I can really appreciate when a designer gives an ode to murder victims by representing the pain, misery, and 'ouch!' factor of a stab to the heart with a lovely faux blood display cascading down the front of an outfit. Extra points to the model for not running with the theme and crawling up the runway, last breaths-style.

Look #3: Rosa Cha

Remember that great scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, where the delightful little Oompa Loompas and Gene Wilder and the gang are all wearing those bright white suits right before sending that giant candy bar across the room and reassembling it from the millions of little pieces into a smaller, television sized candy bar? Yup, Rosa Cha remembers. She even got the protective glasses down pat!

Look #4: LAMB by Gwen Stefani

"Whoopsie! I forgot pants! Good thing I will still keep warm with this blazer on top. My belly and upper arms always get so chilly."

Look #5: LAMB by Gwen Stefani

And to think, I always thought of sweatpants as lounge-wear, not business-wear. My eyes are now open. Thank you, Gwen.

Look #6: Jason Wu

Horrifying black lips aside, this dress looks as if it is ready to straight up take flight off the runway. For some inexplicable reason, the critics loved this look. I beg to differ. Jason Wu is the go-to designer for First Lady Michelle Obama. I reallly hope she doesn't pick this dress for an occasion, Glenn Beck would have a godamn field day. I can hear it now "OBAMA HATES AMERICA CAUSE SHE SLAUGHTERED A BALD EAGLE TO MAKE THIS DRESS!"

Look #7: Erin Fetherston

I don't know, it might just be too .... conservative for my taste. I like to show a bit more skin.

Look #8: Charlotte Ronson

Again, I'm going to ignore the annoying accoutrement on this look and focus on the clothing- or lack thereof. Thank goodness the lovely Ronson twin gave this poor model a scarf, otherwise she'd, like, totally freeze her butt off in this raw NY fall weather!

Look #9: Christian Siriano

I mean, I guess it goes without saying that its sooo obvious why Christian won last season of Project Runway. Who WOULDN'T wear this versatile and flattering one-piece?

Look #10: BCBG Max Azria

Maz Azria should know better than to pick models that will get so nervous before the show that they vomit up all of their morning's breakfast all over the front of their dresses. In the case of this unfortunate purger, it would appear she had a hearty meal of diamonds. and bling. 'Sup indigestion.

Look #11: BCBG Max Azria

You know that villain from Batman, Two Face? Turns out he had a daughter!

Look #12: Alexander Wang

Ugh, FINALLY. The PERFECT skirt to show off my new bellybotton ring slash pregnancy. And in such an exquisite color!

Look #13: Alexander Wang

Admittedly, Alexander Wang's collection WAS football/sports themed (I couldn't make this up if I tried) - but still. A modified snuggie with leather waist strap and matching helmet? Well, at least she'll be cozy at the big game?? "C'mon everyone! Huddle in my dress for warmth!"

* * *

Don't worry folks, there are still 5 more days of NY Fashion Week to go. Expect more highlights soon.

-Li

Internet Dating,( Why if you havent done it, youre so totally single).

2009-08-21T15:42:00.000-07:00

Hello Ass Stains,

In case you are about to scroll up and re-read the title of this post, that's right, I said it God damnit, if you haven't tried internet dating/ flaunting your shit/ participating in sexy hot singles online you clearly have no sense of adventure. But this is why we make blogs, to provide those who do not have access to information of which can be of use to the general public or those who are just too damn shy to talk to that sexy waitor in the suspenders at Saddle Ranch. And so I provide you with the following (gift cards to coffee bean will be sufficient as a thanks).

Step 1: Uploading SELF pictures taken of YOURSELF by YOURSELF in YOUR BED/BATHROOM SELF:

In order to shed your silly singlism and sustain a sexy stud (or studlette) it is important to follow the proceeding examples

Taking a picture of yourself in the mirror in your underwear is a MUST. It is important for people in the internet world to be able to see A. what type of under garments are perferred in the case of photo texting or the fictionally rare case you will meet. It is also important that B. we get to see the context of which you live. The female above (all images provided by Google Image) is seemingly living in a dorm/ apartment (check for those who live with mom or dad) and also seems to be tidy and has some great mood lighting! All of these are factors included in whether or not this girl would be a potential candidate in your online love match.

The self portrait must be taken at an arms length distance. This provides the mega pixels of the camera room for imagery doubt. If the camera is held any distance closer it is a sure fail that your online reputation will forever remain as the "hoe with a huge chin ass". So be careful with this approach, it is quite difficult and only recommended to Advanced myspace users.

GREAT! Now we are moving right along!

After your photos have been taken in many positions/ different hair styles/ change of clothing/ vertical and horizontal/ uploaded and photoshopped we can discuss some internet outlets that will be a sure way for you to find your true cyber creep ... I mean LOVER.

HOT OR NOT. COM

This is an oldie AND a GOODIE! Hot or not is the internets oldest form of showing the whole world your picture and NO ONE WILL JUDGE YOU! I know it sounds almost too good to be true and yes there is a catch. People are allowed to be honest. With a rating system provided under each photograph the public can vote on whether or not you should continue your quest to find an online romance, or whether you should get a new picture or just give up for life! For example the chick above will go on to create a profile with the proceeding social networks while Carot Top (with a soul devouring 1.7) will have to go on to have a show at the Luxor and have sex with girls who dont like him. Let's continue shall we?

Now, if you don't know what either of these sites are, I would tell you to go buy a computer but somehow you must have one if you are reading SnB and have missed the bandwagon. Ugh, Well these are social networking sites that are very very easy to stalk people on (LUCKY YOU!) They also allow you to post your socially approved photos of yourself and customize your profile to let others know what you hope to extract from your experience on the website (sexually of course).

My personal favorite, as a cousin of a friend of a sister who is a member, is the following dating site:

Yes J Date. If you guess Jigalo dating, well.. your wrong because Gigalo is spelt with a G. But if you guess Jew Date boy the hell are you right! Yes there just so happens to be a dating website if you are a JEW! See! Love is no longer for hippies and democrats, know Jews can post pictures of themselves online and find a person to mate with through the art of the internet as well! Chew it up swallow it, but savor it first. Just make sure that you really are a Jew before you sign up, BirthRight is also a prerequisit for membership. Sorry there are no fooling us Jews.

And finally if you are not Jewish (sorry that must be weird, whats that like?) there is one final option for your dating life to flourish. Unfortunately I cannot provide much information on this outlet because, well, I have a job and a blog which takes up far too much of my time, plus I dont wanna end up like one of those people whose skin starts to ferment to the couch.

This is a screen caption from the game War of WorldCraft or World of CraftWar, something. I have read... that this is also a fantastic way to meet a lady in a body that isnt yours in a world that doesnt exist! It actually sounds kind of fun, you can play a game fight villans bang a hot avatar chick, have the real chick who plays the avatar chick come over to your house and you can do it together! For eternity!! Or at least until both of your skin ferments to the couch and to one another. Now if that isn't the recipe for true love found over the internet then don't call me Shakespeare, but actually do because that is the formula.

-Shakespeare (aka Lo since 1616)

The Homeless Wiki: Or, I May Go To Hell For This One

2009-08-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

Homeless people. So hard to categorize! At first glance they all seem so similar and .... without home. But take a closer glance and you'll see that this species is anything but....

[Sidenote: This entry, like all, is 100% in sardonic jest. I do not support nor feel any sense of happiness when homelessness is mentioned, just as I don't enjoy puppies being stomped on. I promise. Take this as fluffy fun, and feel better about yourself 'cause YOU didn't write it. Then go give a beggar a cup of coffee.]

Homeless #1: The animal trick

By far, I find this the most infuriating of homeless types. You've seen 'em all before. The many dude (or chick!) with the adorable homeless puppy/dog/kitten/bunny/panda bear curled up on a tattered blanket or in their lap. Bonus (or should I say 'demerits') points for if the sign displaced mentions said animal, ex: "Fido is so hungry." You dick. Why do you have a dog? That's just mean. Sure, he's getting tons of sun, but are you leaving your corner to go walk him? Does he have proper health care? It's one thing to let yourself rot on the streets, but little Fido never had a choice. The same goes for children. Duh.

Homeless #2: Straight chillin [boozin']

Until the alcohol starts to hit their system, these fellas wouldn't bother you with a ten foot pole ... that is, unless to ask for booze. Once it does, they will fully entertain themselves with the plastic flask of whatever happens to look good (be handed to them? be donated? How on Earth does a homeless person choose their weapon of choice?). They will sit there, suckling at the sweet teat of alcoholism until they pass out, not realizing they're on the street. In a way, this sleep is probably way satisfying; so maybe this breed has figured out how to remain 'happy' whilst living on the streets. Note: This group also tends to get loud/emotional/angry, so tread lightly around their presence. No one wants to get into a street barfight with a guy you can smell at fifty paces away.

Homeless #3: The merry gang

No home? Misery loves company. Check out your nearest seedy underpass, abandoned property, or shady drug-littered riverbank. A posse is right around the corner! These groupings are often highlighted by friendly fires, tent camps, and a feeling of group merriment and social warmth! And also, a super pleasant group stench.

Homeless #4: The techie

Although the gentlemen above that represents the Ultimate Age of Technology (slash Irony) also is representative of the hated/dreaded Homeless Type #1 - the animal trick, we will focus on his main quality. The fact this dude is so hooked up, he plopped himself down in a park with public wifi, to better peruse Ebays offerings, one can assume. But no- let's not come to that foul and unflattering conclusion. I'm sure he's purveying the offerings on Monster.com, preparing his resume, and reading Twitter.

Homeless #5: The No Bullshitter

The competition for wittiest sign is often a merciless one. Not quite sure what the success rate is; after all, whilst I appreciate your honesty, I really do, I don't want to fund your drug addiction anymore than I want to fund my own. Sorry, pal.

Homeless #6: The sleeper

Man! Those homeless can sleep ANYWHERE! These guys are the best, 'cause you can just step over or around them, and you're no worse for the wear! Also, they should be congratulated for the abilities. I cannot personally cozy up on a bed of newspapers, nor can I sleep in the sun in three-digit heat, nor bundled up in 1 blanket in sub freezing temps. Human resilience at its finest!

Homeless #7: The architect

When young Ned emerges from his luxurious lair, he can enjoy a moment of sunbathing out on his deck, or perhaps a quick BBQ of rat he's caught in the sumptous blue tarp he calls home. WIN!

Homeless #8: The vet.

I have nothing to snark on them. They make me sad. God Bless America?

Homeless #9: I just couldn't end on veterans

These carside beggars are debatably even homeless, and I'd like to err on the side of 'no,' but I just couldn't end on the heartbreaking note of war veterans. These people piss me off. I want to enjoy a bit of fresh air, not your arm poking through my window. If you really think this is more productive than sitting on the side of the street, you are wrong (I think? I've never attempted either, to be honest). You are just annoying and you make me have to concentrate REALLY hard on the road whilst I'm stopped at a stoplight. Also, aren't you worried of getting run over??? Talk about job hazards!

-Li

Paul Abdul: The end of a career, the beginning of an era.

2009-08-06T15:43:00.000-07:00

As most of you will be distraught to hear if you haven't done so already, one of America's most beloved critics has ninja stared her career in the back of the head with.. well.. a ninja star.

Paul Abdul, the best pop star to ever have lived on God's green earth decided to commit financial and public eye suicide this week by ending her career as the GREATEST JUDGE EVER on the hit phenomenon show "American Idol".

This was Paula's response:

Now as a mandatory guideline to being a citizen of America (like voting) we are required to watch American Idol (Cubans... be shocked). And as a civil duty this it will not be the same to perform without the overt enthusiasm and slurred positive reinforcement supplied by the prettiest woman on television, who let's face in Sarah but will probably now go on to be our first female cat dancing president.

But have no fear citizens, I... have supplied a way for us to choose as a country who will be the next American Idol judge to follow in the footsteps of Lord Abdul.

The options you should all be familiar with and remember your vote is purely confidential so be sure to post it on the comments portion following the candidates pitch.

Candidate Option #1: Charo

Charo, formally known as María Rosario Pilar Martínez Molina Moquiere de les Esperades Santa Ana Romanguera y de la Najosa Rasten is one of Spain's most beloved pop divas of this century. Some may even refer to her as the Spanish Paula Abdul. With a little Spanish flavor on the panel we could draw in a bigger Latino crowd of viewers to 'American Idol' and who knows, perhaps soon Mexico will have their very own 'American Idol'. I don't think you need a green card to audition and Charo will be a healthy advocate of diversity!

Candidate Option #2: President Barack Obama

What better judge to have for American Idol then the president himself. A. He knows good music. B. What he says goes. and C. He typically has his Tuesday and Wednesday evenings free. Naturally, America, I say 'Yes We Can' move forward from the loss of Lord Abdul, together we will move forward as a nation. I mean we can always skype him in while he watches from the Oval Office right?

Candidate Option #3: Tyra Banks

Let's face it. If there is anyone more judgemental and mentally disabled as Paula Abdul, then Tyra Banks would be it. Honestly I think she would be a good candidate because we could just slip her right in there and nobody would ever notice the difference.

Candidate #4: Joan Rivers AND Donald Trump

If you think Simon is bad, this dynamic duo will bring the drama! If contestants have enough balls to get up in front of that panel and sing, perhaps we should just send them straight to the front lines to fight in Iraq. It will make the season much quicker and we will get straight to the point. Plus the amount of ridiculous quibble that will ensue between the judges will be not leave much time for any singing and isn't that what you want any way America? Celebrities, FIGHTING? Screw singing... singing is so... 2006.

Candidate #5: Milli Vanilli

No one knows a good set of vocal chords like these guys. Imagine how many people they auditioned to finally get the right sound for THEMSELVES. No but honestly if one of them wasn't dead I think it would be a kinda smart idea?

-Lo

Objectum Sexuality. Or, I've Seen It All Now.

2009-08-06T10:25:00.000-07:00

Blog Note: My partner in blog slash crime, Lo, thinks that this story is false. Judge for yourself- this does seem a bit ... extreme. However, after some in depth, mind-numbing research, it would appear that unfortunately, she is horribly wrong. Typical.

And so, I present to you, the weirdest topic Snark N' Beans has ever faced: Obejctum Sexuality.

The "Objectum Sexuality" website describes this ... lifestyle ... as the following:

"Objectùm-Sexuality is an orientation to love objects.

Sexual orientation is defined as the nature of sexual preference while the prolific definition stands as: the direction of someone's sexual desire toward people of the opposite gender, people of the same gender, or people of both. This does not include objects.

However, orientation itself is defined as: a complex mental state involving beliefs and feelings and values and dispositions to act in certain ways. This does include objects as we see it.
We love objects and many of us in an intimate way and this feeling is innate. Objectùm-sexual love comes for most in a similar awakening as other sexualities at the start of puberty. This is often followed by an acute awareness that we do not relate to peers due to the source of the projected feelings. Often objectùm-sexual people feel outcast or pressured by mainstream sexuality with a helpless feeling that we cannot change what comes so naturally."

In laymans terms, these people are pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable to view romantically or not. Sure, I'll betcha that in the olden days of yore, homosexuality was viewed in a similar light- but c'mon people. Let's draw the line. People loving people = cool. People loving objects = debatable.

Sure, I love my Gucci loafers as much as the next designer diva, but that doesn't mean I go around spooning them at night. I don't hold dreams of our future together; with Gucci loafer #1 providing for us and our children (adopted, natch- don't be silly here!) and Gucci loafer #2 bringing home the bacon -- and speaking of bacon, that can get awkward sometimes, because my Gucci loafers have the WORST appetite! Going out to a restaurant with them can be sooo embarassing. I've tried to confront them about their apparent anorexia but .... oh. wait. THEY'RE SHOES.

Meet Amy Wolf. Amy, the subject of a recent news article.(http://jezebel.com/5331003/woman-to-wed-amusement-park-ride)

She is in love with a fairground ride called 1001 Nacht, for which she writes poetry. In case you're wondering, her lover, who I'm sure she tenderly refers to as "Nachty" (GET IT?!) is pictured above.

The article says of Amy that "...based on appearances, she seems like an out-and-proud lesbian, but has no interest in humans. She also loves a church banister, a banister in her home, and the Empire State building."

Well, it seems like Amy is a little bit of a minx, huh? How does she balance all of her lovers?? And good lord- how have none of them found out about the others?!

To the untrained eye, this might appear to be the Paris landmark, The Eiffel Tower. However, to a woman named Erika, it is her husband. She has since renamed herself Erika Eiffel. I wish I was joking.

In one of my personal favorite examples, this woman poses by the Berlin Wall on her wedding day. No, her wife- (yes, wife. Erika describes her lover as feminine) isn't cropped out of the picture. She's standing right next to it. The day is June 14, 1979, and they've been very happy since. But she doesn't like referring to the structure as "it" because "calling something an 'it' instantly means it's inanimate." She gets "a sense" of an object's gender. According to her, the Eiffel Tower is female.

Again, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

But what does this mean for the average person? How can we relate to what we would typically view as such deviant, debatably mentally unstable behavior? No need to fear. The smash hit feature film "Anchorman" finally gave the Objectum Sexuality followers someone in pop culture to look up to. And that man is Steve Carrell.

Things Celebrities Like, so you better like them too GOD DAMNIT.

2009-07-21T17:04:00.001-07:00

Good Afternoon Children of the Interweb,

Today I would like to talk to you about a little thing I like to call "interests". Many of you have interests such as horse back riding, cooking, drinking, boche, scrabble in your moms high heels, taco tuesdays at Wahoo's, and other interests that go without saying. Well as I have said before and will say over and over again, Celebrities are people too. They have interests just like us. It is part of my "interest" to find a way to compare and humanize celebrities in order to relate to them, seeing that living in Los Angeles very much disconnects me with these other worldly creatures.

The story goes like this.

One day when I was scanning the book store for an apparent 'classic' that was recommended to me. It was entitled "Dewey, The Small Town Library Cat Who Touched The World". Refer to

A-1.

A-1

Shortly after discovering this novel, another book caught my eye something more fascinating and culturally in depth, something that would educate me on a topic that was foreign and completely irrelevant to my way of life, yet it intrigued me to a degree of which I can only demonstrate with a facial expression. The book was called "Stuff White People Like". See A-2

A-2

Now this got me thinking... If someone can interpret the most complicated of species... Caucasian's... then perhaps I can analyze the third most complicated of species, the CELEBRITY! If Perez can attempt, well by Godsakes America so can I.

The following are just a sampling of some "interests" I believe may be "Stuff Celebrities Like".

A. RELIGIONS ABOUT ALIENS.

Teehee. Tom Cruise ISSSS silly. He thinks:

No lie. Really. He does. So do other celebrities, Rule number one on the path to becoming a celebrity, get rid of this dude! ASAP! He sent other aliens to take over yours and Tom Cruise's body. SEE CELEBRITIES ARE JUST LIKE US!

B. CARS THAT MAKE YOU CRAVE A POP TART.

This is a car. Not to be confused with a Toaster. I don't know what kind of car, don't ask me. If I were to guess..hmmm I would imagine it would be called Christian Bales Vagine VM8. If you don't believe me that this car will also warm your ego waffles, take a look at the image below:

See Toaster.

The only people that would drive these are the shameless celebrities who have an ego large enough to make toast the same size. Yup.

C. DRESSING YOUR PET LIKE ANOTHER FAMOUS CELEBRITY AND OR FICTIONAL CHARACTER

This dog is dressed like Strawberry Shortcake. No it's not Halloween, no he is not FEMALE, actually. How about this PETA, how about you back off OBAMA for his fly swattage and get on top of the cruelty that is Paris Hilton.

DISCLAIMER: Not all things celebrities like are good. They also like fur, basketball and annorexia. See where I'm going with this?

D. PRISON BRACELETS

In the photo above is a demonstration of Lindsay Lohan wearing her jail bracelet around her ankle. I think this less a safety device and more a fashion statement. I mean Chanel thought so when she made these:

Thanks for this Lindsay. Thanks for this alot.

-Lo.

Drivers Across The Great US of A: Or, Why Bad Driving is Bi-Coastal

2009-07-10T11:24:00.001-07:00

'From sea to shining sea' .... there are drivers that are completely idiotic, unsafe, unwise, and all around pretty damn shitty. I will take no exception from this, as I definitely fall into one of the categories below [which one? you'll have to speculate...!] But enough about me. Let's take a looksie at some of my favorite groups of Worst Drivers In America!

The New York City Driver

NYC drivers for too long have not had their moment in the glorious spotlight of Worst Drivers In America. For TOO LONG have cabbies proudly held the attention of the world- and no longer! Although cabs amount for a majority of horribly offensive city driving, the residents of NYC drive in exactly the same way they act. Brashly, rudely, aggressively, and with no concern for others.

Do not let this be confused with Boston or NJ drivers. Each breed is slightly different. NYC drivers are of the opinion that they are above mere mortals; being those scummy public transportation riders.

The honor bestowed upon a resident of NYC, especially Manhattan, that owns and drives their own car, is not one taken lightly. After all, the assumption is that if you've already dropped the dough for a private parking space and or fought your neighbors tooth and nail for streetside parking relatively close to your apartment- you deserve it! And, after all, what more NYC mentality is there than 'I deserve the best because I AM the best' ?

The Rainy LA Driver

Los Angeles is a lucky city. Its drivers get broken up into subcategories; the Rainy Day Driver, and the Sunny Day Driver. Fortunately for SoCal, sunny days far outnumber rainy ones. However, when the drizzle starts, Angelenos completely forget the basic concepts of driving. Speed limits are rendered useless as everyone on the road drops to a safe 15 MPH, lest they be swept away by the floods, or slid clear off the slippery wet roadways.

'Safety first' is the attempt here; when in actuality, cars crawling along roadways and people panicking about the hazardous conditions is anything but.

The Sunny LA Driver

Los Angeles: City of Smog. As an LA transplant, I can mock this freely. As a non-native, I am not forced to defend the wonders of smog and the magical sunsets it produces. Instead, I can sit back at marvel/bash the ridiculous amount of congestion and the burdens it causes. LA Drivers, for lack of a better description, do not give a shit.

They have been hardened by years of stop-and-go, or standstill traffic, to the point where they realize they will make it to their destination, but the length of time is completely indeterminate.

Turn signals? Why bother. Merging? Just do it.

A complete sense of passivity has overtaken the great people of Los Angeles, and why? Traffic has owned them. They are the slaves to the freeway and the freeway is king.

The Sleepy Driver

It's 7AM. That blue car in front of you is tugging along with suspiciously slow reflexes to simple road encounters such as red lights, slowing cars, pedestrians with small children. You think to yourself- is he drunk? Hungover? Nah, just a little sleepy in the morning. Pay no mind; they haven't arrived at the office and forced the intern to pick them up a Double Shot Skinny Cafe Mocha No Whip. It's not their fault their eyes are crusty.

The Boston Driver

Ahh, the Big Dig. I can only imagine the multitude of angry letters, written by lowly residents of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. The Big Dig, while well intentioned, is the cornerstone of why Boston Drivers hate their lives.

Not to be confused with New Yorkers pretension, Boston drivers rely solely on their aggression to drive the winding, aimless surface streets, and ominous, circling freeways that trap Boston in their asphalt grasp. Horn sounds pierce the air like chirping birds. Fists are thrown freely out the windows. Screams and angry shouts are muffled by closed windows. Ahh, a Boston Symphony.

The Multitasking Driver

Typically, this Shitty Driver category belongs to women, but I am no sexist. This term can be shared with all. You've seen this driver on every road, and every time they do not cease to impress. You take a quick glance over, scoping out the driver next to you. I have even devised a simple scorecard to play Multitasking Driver: The Game -

+1 Point if.....

.driver is applying makeup [except eye makeup]

.driver is on hands free cell phone

.driver is singing AND dancing

.driver is eating a sandwich

+2 Points if....

.driver is applying eye makeup

.driver is holding cell phone

.driver is eating something that requires utensils

+3 Points if....

.driver is reading

.driver is writing.

.driver is sleeping

ENJOY!

The NJ Driver

Ahh, home sweet home. Jersey drivers biggest pet peeve is being compared to NYC drivers. Do not make this fatal mistake. NJ drivers are proud of their state- which is mainly composed of an intricate highway system.

Another proud trait: their ability to drive more then 45 miles over the speed limit. If you are on a NJ highway, and you are not going above 85, you are a LOSER. Yes, I said it. A LOSER. In direct correlation to this is NJ drivers innate ability to spot and or sense police enforcement from a mile away. Why is this highway clogged up for just a quarter of a mile you ask? Well, keep your eyes peeled for the bushes. Chances are, theres a NJ state policeman just awaiting the stupid driver who doesn't slow down to a crawl for the brief moment they're passing him. We NJ locales would never make THAT mistake.

The Old Driver

You're too old. Just get off the road.

Eyebrows/ How to spot people you shouldn't trust.

2009-07-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

Dear America,

On the anniversary of bringing back the Snark, I figured I would kick off my post with a public service announcement. You have all been warned about reality television, small dogs wearing yoga gear, and family portraits that might give small children nightmares in the year 2045. But I am sure no one has warned you about the following. Be concerned no longer America, for I have provided a simple outline below for you to follow in order to catch your very own unsettling suspect. The secret lies within the realm of one overlooked facial feature, THE EYEBROW (singular in many cases). Bum bum bummmmmmmmahhhhhhhhhhhh!

The eyebrow is often mistaken for its archaic purpose of protecting the eye from sweat and other diseases falling from the sky. But we all know through the teachings of evolution that the human body has adapted to using an invention called the "baseball cap" to prevent such diseases from entering the face through the places we cry. Thus providing no further use for the eyebrow, seemingly. Today the eyebrow is used to spot characters who seem alarmingly suspicious. I hope the following examples will allow to further educate you and your children/ cats on the subject.

CASE #A: "THE MISMATCH"

This is the most obvious case of mistaken criminals. Often they are seemingly normal and only confused. Perhaps they have grayed in the upper half of the head but failed to gray slightly below. This is not a natural form of progression which leads us to believe that the brain has failed to progress as well. I am not saying that someone with mismatched eyebrows will steal your children... I am simply implying that they might bag your outdoor pets. Be weary.

CASE #B: "CELEBRITY CRAZY BROWS"
Those of you who have seen a real life celebrity know that they are actually a hologram of which only paparazzi believe to ACTUALLY exist (sillies). But the celebrity eyebrow is often the most requested in the salon, and can classify you as a crazy drug taker too. Don't let this happen to you woodstock goers.

CASE #C: "MAKEUP STOPPERS"

Above are two examples of people not to trust. If you are not sure where to stop applying the eye shadow DO NOT APPLY AT ALL. These people are often the ones who arrive at your door to watch your children on the seemingly average saturday night, only to find out that your six your old is now stuffing her bra with maxi pads and piercing her own lip. And if she was watching your 13 year old son, don't be surprised when she comes knocking on YOUR DOOR nine months later for her own child support.

CASE #D: "TATTOO WHAT WHATS?"

This looks like a mug shot. Let this speak for itself, and I hope this woman is not reading snark n beans or my name is now Gullah Hogbavich.

CASE #F: "THE OLD SILLY GLASSES WITH FACIAL FEATURES ATTACHED TRICK"

Well this is just silly because we know this man is wearing a disguise offered in a McDonalds Happy Meal. He is alright, you don't have to be worried about Rico.

-Lo

Six Flags? More like NO flags! ... Or, Why Six Flags Sucked My Balls

2009-07-06T15:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Six Flags Magic Mountain,

I wanted to like you. I really did! I have thoroughly enjoyed your other parks, namely Six Flags Great Adventure, your greatest park ever created, and also Six Flags New England, which was fine by me.

However, you created a massive FAIL with this one.

Let's start off with your lines. Yes, I am aware that large theme parks, especially on summer weekends, are bound to be crowded. But I think that you would save yourself from hearing a lot of grief from unhappy customers if you would simply shut the park off from additional guests when you reached capacity. FYI, 'capacity' is what I would call it when there is a minimum of 2.5 hour line for every. ride. in. the park. No, not just the mega coasters, every. ride.

Also- you're located in the steaming, baking California desert sun. Yea, I know- I can't blame you for that ... although a better real estate purchase would have undoubtedly been, say, ANYWHERE closer to the coastline. But I digress. Perhaps some water misters located strategically around the park (not just on lines)? That would be sweet. My overheating, aching, line-enduring body would sure enjoy that.

And, maybe your corporation should realize that when you charge 15$ for parking, and $30-$60 for entrance, you should cut the absurdly ridiculous price tags for cold beverages? $4 for a vending machine soda is highway robbery. $5 for a bottle of water is criminal. and $14 for a 'collectible cup' that has approx the same amount of liquid as a $1.99 7-11 fountain drink? I'm horrified. Horrifed!

Fun fact, 6flagz. Nay, pointer: If you have to employ someone to stand near the beginning of a line and hand out 'passes' to save your spot if you need to take a PEE BREAK the line is so long ... you should probably rethink your line strategies. Waiting 3 hours for a 30 second ride is sooo not rewarding, no matter how much I want to vomit and/or scream with joy whilst I'm riding.

Ugh, 6flagz. I wanted to have a fun day at your park. But you just did not cooperate! So, I will not be back. I hope you enjoyed my ticket+parking money. Think of it as a donation, 'cause I sure didn't get any of my money's worth.

Sincerely,

NJ Pride, or: Where I mock guidos

2009-06-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

So, after booking a plane ticket home to visit my glorious childhood home state of New Jersey (save your jokes, people. I've heard them) I was inspired to write a little rant on the less glorious feature of The Dirty, mainly guido's.

For all you amateaurs, Wikipedia so helpfully describes this particular breed of human (partial human??) as "is a slang term for a younger lower class or working class Italian-American. The Guido stereotype is often portrayed as humorously thuggish with an overtly macho attitude and an unyielding pride in his Italian ancestry.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have no problem with Italian-Americans. In fact, I'm sure you all have watched at least one snippet of The Soprano's, a Jersey-tastic show in its own right, and will concur with me that although many a NJ-dwelling-male is stereotypically in the mob, this is not what I refer to, nor am I bashing the entire cultural sect in general.

What I find fault with is the guido guys, which Wikipedia continues to define for me so eloquently in a section titled "Style of Guidos" :

Clothing associated with the stereotype includes gold chains, working class clothing such as plain T-shirts, muscle shirts, leather jackets, sweat or tracksuits, scally caps [note: WHAT?], unbuttoned dress shirts, and dress suits. Slicked-back hair or pompadours are a common stereotype, as are moustaches. Recently, heavily gelled spiked hair has become a common stereotype. The hairstyle is commonly referred to as the Blowout or Brooklyn Fade – "Brook" [again: WHAT?], for short.

So, upon informing you, dear readers, of all this helpful and necessary backstory into the basic identity of a Guido, I was prepared to showcase many a damning photo, perhaps with witty anecdotes. But no- I won't do that. Not because I'm lazy (which I am), but because some genius out there in the great World Wide Web of Opportunity did it for me. And so, I bestow upon you the following annotated diagram of a Guido:

(click the pic to read captions)

-Li

Celebs Are Sleepy: Or, Awards Shows = Guantanamo for Celebrities

2009-06-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sittin' on my couch eating a pint of ice cream (don't hate!) last night, kicking back and watching The awards show of all awards shows, the all-important MTV Movie Awards. You know, the one with the awards for such integral moments in film such as 'Best WTF Moment' and the always-essential 'Best Kiss.'

But I digress. As just a Joe (Josephine?) Shmo watching on my couch at home, I feel as if I have the right to be viewing sans pants, hair greased, and with a semi-bored expression on my already tired face. However, my rights, I feel, do not extend to members of the acting community that have chosen this profession and all of the responsibilities and tedious tasks that go with it.

To put it bluntly, and address the problem celebs head on: you have no right to appear bored, or unhappy, or pissed-to-be-there at an awards ceremony. None. Let's put on our faux sympathetic cap for a moment, shall we?

Jamie Foxx, why so glum? No Oscar this year? Yeaa, your life sure does blow.

"Wahhh. My life is sooo hard. First I got paid, like, 20 million for this action flick, and I KNOWW I deserved at least 25, but I didnt get it 'cause I'm a girl, and this industry like, totally hates on us. But, like, now I have to go promote it and shit, and get tons and tons of bags of free stuff I could afford anyway, and put on a really expensive sparkly dress that I also didn't pay for, and lather on the bling, which, SHOCK - didn't pay for, and then I have to WALK, yes, WALK, down a red carpet, which is soooo tiring as it is, but then I can't even go home! I have to go sit in a dark theater and watch OTHER people perform and win awards. Which is just so hard, because, like, I could be doing something WAY more fun. Like drinking! Or..... sleeping! Both of which I muuuch prefer to this torture. ... What? What's that? I'll get to drink for free after this? But when!!? Oh, just another two more hours of sitting in this plush chair? UGHHH. My life sucks. Why, god, why?"

Needless to say, I do not sympathize. As I sit from my perch on my couch in ViewerLand, I wonder- who told you this was the hardest part of life? And did you smack them in the back of the head promptly thereafter? No? Well, I will.

Peaches Geldof, who, although a famous name, is not known for any talents in particular.

Hence her horrible, horrible boredom at the front row of a fashion show?

Pooooor celebrities. Getting poked fun of by over-enthusiastic emcee's on stage. Why won't anyone leave them alone? They're such victims.

Cover up that yawn, Ben Stiller. Stop looking like your puppy died, Tom Cruise. Wipe that tear from your eye, Megan Fox, living off the. I promise this will all be over soon. Then you can go back to living your life in obscurity; out there land quietly. That's what you want, isn't it?

ISN'T IT!?

-Li

Beautiful Babies: Or, Why I Regret Not Being A Pageant Princess

2009-05-26T18:06:00.001-07:00

Ohh, the joys of children's beauty pageants. Popularized by overzealous moms everywhere (and by "everywhere," I'm obviously referring to the Bible Belt and the glorious section of the USA known to many as The Middle. The image above is of a magical and, I'm sure, talented young woman. Yes, I said it. Young woman. NOT a porcelein doll, nor an American Girl Doll figurine. She is made of flesh and bone, and although photoshopped to death, this is the Look her parents want for her. And so, I present to you, the Top Tricks To Becoming A Beauty Pageant Superstar.

#1: Get a great Photoshopper

God forbid you try to enter a pageant without first following the golden rule. Or, the Photoshop rule. No one wants to see your child's hideous freckles! Missing teeth? A surefire no-no. Naturally blonde eyebrows? Fill in those suckers. Basic contouring and shading found on the human face? YUCK. Cake on about 6 pounds of virtual makeup and you're ready to begin your quest in the spotlight.

#2: Posture.

Only the finest of the fine beauty pageant competitors have the skills, nay, BALLS, to pull off a tiara that is often quite larger than the entire upper torso of the said competitor. How do you expect to be a winner if you can't stand up underneath the weight of your prize? This little stunner knows where it's at. Too bad the weight of her crown has forced her to go cross-eyed. Shame.

#3: Don't be a boy.

This gentleman is pissed. He knows this shit just ain't for him. Furry top hat? No match for the glitz and glamour of a tiara. Bowties, not sparkly dresses? Send him to the T-ball field and make way for the ladies.

#4: It's never too early for collagen.

This feisty chica got the memo. If your toddler-self is already starting to droop and fade; by all means! Plump it up! Suck it in! Cut it out! It's never too early for a little bit of body modification. Look at those succulent lips! Thin lips = a beauty pageant surefire fail. Never hurts to be prepared; perhaps even carry your own kit with you for those last minute emergencies. You'll be the most prepared tot there!

#5: Big smile, bigger hair.
Crying is for babies. You're so far beyond that ... by at least four years. So grin and show those pearly whites .... but don't let it be the focus of your face. That title should fall to The Hair, the most important part of your body. Bigger the better. Think: Amy Winehouse. You should be able to hide at least 4 toys in there. FOUR.

#6: Accessories are key

In the real world, an oversized bonnet, three strands of pearls, AND diamond earrings would be SUCH a fashion faux pas. Well, forget everything you've ever learned about the real world. This is Pageant Town, State of Pageant, Country: Pageant.

#7: When in doubt, rep your patriotic pride

Sure, this little blossom of a child has the basics down pat. Jewelry: check. Face of makeup: check. Oversized hair: check. Being a girl: check. But you know what will take you that extra mile? Good ol' US of A. Lady Liberty would have wanted you to be a beauty queen. Do it for her.

#8: Pick a theme

If going All-American just isn't your cup of tea, why not try tying the little one together in some sort of theme? Here, we've displayed the classic Farmer-Flower Child look. Subtle, elegant ... perfection.

#9: Don't listen to whoever tells you otherwise; the 80's aren't dead

Pouffy cap sleeves, a magical aqua hue, a Bedazzler attack gone wild, a perfectly coifed updo with just those gosh darn two front pieced pulled down to elegantly frame your dark lipstick and liner ... Melrose Place would be so proud. Oh, you didn't hear? The show is making a comeback. TOLD YOU the 80's were back!

#10: It's all about the benjamins

Lest we forget, pageant winnings don't just stop at glittery crowns. COLD HARD CASH is the name of the game. ALWAYS. Hey, if mom and dad aren't pulling in enough greenbacks, no time like the present to reel in some earnings. We're in a recession!

-Li

Don't feel sorry for yourself, I know of 5 jobs worse than yours.

2009-05-26T13:20:00.001-07:00

Dear America,

I know that we are in times of hard economic crisis. Times we wished we could quit our jobs and find something better, more exhilarating then the average desk work. But look at the bright side, you have time to read Snark N Beans! ANDD at least you don't have to perform any of the following demeaning tasks on a daily basis that would make you blubber yourself to sleep at night like Jeff Conaway on another season of Celebrity Rehab. So count your lucky stars America, I am about to make you feel SPECTACULAR about working at your local Reebok.

Chosen Career Path to Avoid #1: DOG FOOD TESTER

Now Folks. Most of us get an hour lunch break demanded and instated by the good people who brought us the constitution. To want to test dog food, just does not seem like a human possibility. Why not have dogs test dog food, or criminals, or.. hell..even career busted child stars. I don't care how much this job pays people, it is about keeping your dignity, and not having crunchy lamb and cheddar bits breathe when you go home to kiss your kids and wife.

Chosen Career Path to Avoid #2: TAMPON TESTER

Okay now I know this photo is a little silly because if you know how to read you know the only place you would use a tampon on the facial region is for a bloody nose. But I am almost 78% sure that that is not the requirements for a tampon tester. If it is, well then I suppose I am mistaken and this isn't the worst career chose in the world, as long as you can test them in the comfort of your own privacy. But if you have to test a tampon in the intended 'location', then I would imagine they give you some sort of oral fixture that also makes you have an indefinite menstrual cycle, and that is the most indecent part.

Chosen Career Path to Avoid #3: WHISKEY AMBASSADOR

Now to some people, this career path seems like a dream. But I shall forewarn you that in fact, it is highly unpleasant. Mostly to those around you. Look at Paula Abdul for example. Fact: Paula Abdul used to test whiskeys in a Scandinavian country from the age of 15 to 16 along with dancing in a nightclub. Now if this poor drunk is not a victim to multiple career failures, she is a victim to one. Whiskey Ambassador. Hangovers included, America.

Chosen Career Path to Avoid #4: Porta Potty Servicer

For most this would be a big fat duh. Others who like to live on the edge and have a sense of adventure consider this career over scooping ice cream at Haggen Daz. Well be my guest America but your opinion will be swayed after the morning adventure of tending to the 21st annual Porta Potty Down Hill Spectacular hosted by Kappa Delta Gamma. Consider this your warning thrill seekers.

Chosen Career Path to Avoid #5: Flatulent Smell Reduction Underwear Maker.

Okay here is the twist. Making cute hand woven underwear is much appreciated by those who like to participate in pleasurable bedside manner. Making underwear for those who have a stinky ass is much, much more challenging, yet I could see the reward for both the victim and the culprit. I'm not sure how, and I am not sure why, but SOMEBODY has this job. And count your blessings that you don't have to make underwear the dilutes someone's poor lunch choices.

-Lo

Family Ties: Or, Why The Family Portrait Tradition Should Never Die

2009-05-22T12:19:00.000-07:00

Ohhh, the glory days of family portraiture. How else would you remember those who gave birth to you, or those offspring of yours that have disappeared off to nursery school and/or college, never to return again? But, as all families should know, portraits must be a direct reflection of the family. Meaning, for example, if mama and papadukes met and conceived little Elvira at a 1980's hair band concert (and by 'at' the concert, clearly, I'm referring to the ladies restroom in the mezzanine), why not represent that for all eternity, printed on photo paper and framed and placed above the fireplace? Below, some other familial treats.

Now, imagine you are a shopping mall glamourshots booth worker. Now imagine that young Rupert and Evelyn are your first customers of the day. Now imagine them both taking off their tops within moments of arriving in the studio. Can you say 'long day'?

This is pure Jew-Jealously. As a member of the Chosen People myself, I can only dream of days in which i case a family as JewThug as this fine Goldenbergenstein family.

Some families REALLY dig Disney. I didn't fully grasp that concept until I visited Disneyland for the first time and was a back shocked slash horrified at the visiting crowds. Now, I support the Rasheem family for their dedication to the film Aladdin, but they could have at least taken it that extra step and gotten a REAL tiger. Cheapskates.

The positioning in this picture is tooo good. Whilst out on a family picnic one lovely Sunday day, all wearing their Sunday Whites, the Smithson family realized that low-hanging branch was a prime perch for spending a lazy afternoon.

Horrifying. So many questions are raised after seeing this picture. Mainly: Were the costumes provided by the photo studio, or are they pre-purchased? How did they each pick characters? And, most importantly, does little Matthew know he's going to grow up and get beaten up behind the playground every day for this shot?

The Blackley boys knew they'd never get a chance to go to a REAL prom, so they asked big sisters Becky and Tina to help them recreate the magic. The girls happily obliged.

And I leave you with one important family-portrait-taking note. Always watch those hands. Greg is going to get an earful from Pops later. "You need to respect your mother, Greg! Hands off the goods!"

-Li

Celebrity Baby Names- They don't suck, youre just jealous

2009-05-21T15:56:00.000-07:00

Celebrities have always been ahead of the modern civilian in forms of technology, dialogue, fashion (see diagram A-1).

A-1

Take this image of Lady Ga Ga for instance. I mean this just makes sense. Why go naked when you can wear SPANDEX. DUHHH America.

But this entry is not about the modernism of the "Lady" (whom post apocolyptic society will refer to her as in their version of the Torah).

No no my friends, this entry is about the jealousy that you have all felt about the awesomeness of the post modern 'Celebrity Baby Name'. (I just wanted to include the above picture because... because.)

Naming your baby something wild is no longer a form of rebellion in the celebs-reality, instead it is an initiation process. If you can handle baring a child of such utter awesomeness you must name it something equally as awesome so that people in school will make fun of him only one day for them to emerge as another kick ass 13 year old rockstar with an already troubled past. Now it is easier then you think if you want to follow the celeb baby naming trend and therefore produce your own celebaby. Just follow these simple trends and rules, and your baby will be taking karate lessons, speaking Creole and practicing Kabbalah by the age of ten.

1. Flowers are the new fruit.

Hello under the rock America, this is baby Apple. Child of non other then the ultimate rocker Chris Martin of Coldplay, not to mention he married Gwen Paltrow. Celebs have gotten over naming their babies after the lust smell of a spring morning and have modernized headlining their children after citrus delights. I mean look at delightful little Apple, you might think she is listening to her daddy rockin out on album entitled Viva La Vida, but no my friend, Apple is listening to Harry Potter and The Sorcers Stone... on tape... in French. Those celebabies!!

2. Names that make your baby one with the earth.

Poppy Honey: Jamie and Jules Oliver (also parents to Daisy Boo)

Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily: Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence

ORRRR

The Original SocioModernisticCelebFamlioso

SAGE MOONBLOOD.

Look at this family. Sage Moonblood has been bread since the cradle to be the ultimate ninja girl of this century. She is actually practicing her jump kick in this actual photo if you look close enough. And where is Sage Moonblood now? Only the CIA has a clue, and maybe Perez.

Case: Ninja Baby.

3. Your celebaby may also be named after a sound that could mistaken for a sneeze.

Aanisah: Macy Gray (also mother to Tahmel)

Diezel Ky: Toni Braxton and Keri Lewis (also parents to Denim Cole)

Tallulah: Bruce Willis and Demi Moore (also parents to Scout and Rumer)

Or personally the sneeze I am most jealous not to be named:

Baby Zuma

I think this goes for the most obvious reason, if you are named after a sneeze, people will continually bless you. And well, a blessing is a blessing, and let's face it, these poor children will get made fun of enough during school, but not at youth group.

Celebaby Safe Zone: Youth Groups and Scientology Centers.

4. When all else fails close your eyes and open a dictionary.

This may sound snarkish to you, but in fact this has been a secret ritual passed on by many celebs in choosing the babiest of baby names. Of course you must go in with the mentality that your baby will forever, be just, a baby.

Rufus Tiger: Roger Taylor also father to Tiger Lily and Lola Daisy

Moon Unit: Frank Zappa, also father to Dweezil and Diva Muffin

Memphis Eve: Bono

Pilot Inspektor: Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf

And the number one celebparents that think there baby should be the inspiration for an 80s cover band:

Baby Zuma

Celebaby Safe Zone: Youth Groups and Scientology Centers.

4. When all else fails close your eyes and open a dictionary.

Rufus Tiger: Roger Taylor also father to Tiger Lily and Lola Daisy

Moon Unit: Frank Zappa, also father to Dweezil and Diva Muffin

Memphis Eve: Bono

Pilot Inspektor: Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf

And the number one celebaby that will one day be the inspiration for an 80s cover band:

Audio Science

'Nuf Said.

-Lo.

The Stranger Hug: Or, Why I'm Awkward

2009-05-21T12:03:00.000-07:00

You know when you were a kid, and, being at waist-height eye level of normal sized adults, you would often run up to and hug or attack strangers in public ex. at the grocery store, thinking they were your parents? Well, I've grown up to proper height these days (ok, fine, I'm still a tiny little white girl) and I seem to be stuck with this childhood problem. Granted, I'm awkward pretty much 24/7, but the stranger hug, or even the stranger shoulder tap or overenthusiastic hello seems to be programmed into my DNA.

I have sought long and hard for a cure, including a prescription for glasses, more careful monitoring of my actions, and yet still - I find myself almost daily reaching out to a stranger, fully convinced they're a pal. Yesterday, whilst picking up my blog partner Lori from the airport, I even slowed to a halt at the curb to retrieve her ... and it was an old fat lady (Sorry, Lori!!) So what do I do? Accept my fate as a lover to the anonymous? Revel in my awkwardity? (Note: this is a new word I just invented this moment. Lovesit!) I suppose I've run out of options.

Moral of the story: next time a stranger reaches out for a hug; go for it. It's probably me ... and I probably don't know any better.

-Li

PS. This blog will be featuring a fun new game! For every 3 days that my blog partner Lori forgets to post, I will post an embarassing picture of her from my iPhoto archive. Enjoy, readers!

Hellish Skies: Or, Why Flying Sucks These Days

2009-05-19T14:34:00.000-07:00

Sigh. The heyday of flying; the glory days when stewardesses were allowed to be called stewardesses and not 'flight attendants' or 'mid-air helpers' or 'butlers of the sky.' When skirts were high and inhibitions were low. When the prospect of joining the mile high club seemed pretty damn good. Granted, I wasn't around/alive for any of this, but movies like Catch Me If You Can (mmm, Leo DiCaprio. You can be my Titanic lover anyday) harken young'ens like me back to a better time, a more fabulous time. A time when flying didn't completely blow chunks.

Now, I have just returned from a quick jetset from one coast to the other in this great country of ours. And, being no stranger to flying frequently, on all different airlines, I feel as if I have some credibility in taking the airlines to task for being so godamn awfully painful to fly with.

This is not your parent's Age of Aviation. This is the post-recession age of Fear, Tediousness, and Lines. Not necessarily in that order. Even from starting point at the airline ticket counter, where you meander through rollercoaster-length rides, inching along at the pace of a snail, flashing your ID to every bored and/or angry and/or could-care-less security guard - flying is a chore!

One would only hope that the airline officials get better and more efficient as you move through the airport, but no. Gone are the days of the suave, sleek, much-sought-after, debonaire pilot. Instead we get bozos like this guy, assisted by crews of stewardesses, nay, FLIGHT ATTENDANTS, that seem irritated beyond belief if a passenger dares ask for some bold request, say... a blanket. Or a smile.

Gone are the day of the luxury flight, with airlines plying you with enough booze to knock out a horse. Hell, you can't even get soda on some airlines without paying cash mid-flight for it! (note: when I first encountered this on a domestic flight, I was so enraged I almost opened the emergency door and bailed out mid flight)

And don't even THINK of being fed. Gone are the days of airplane food that one could poke at and mock with glee. "Chicken a la king? More like Chicken a la GROSS!" You're lucky if you even get peanuts anymore ... but of course most airlines don't give out peanuts. Allergies, people! ALLERGIES!

Remember when you could seamlessly glide from parking lot to terminal to gate in under an hour? When you could wear shoes whilst getting scanned for potential weapons? When you could *gasp* bring an outside drink into the airport .... all the way to the terminal? When loved ones could meet you at the gate? When seats had not shrunken to the size of doll chairs? When headphones were complimentary?

I don't. I was just wondering if you did.

Thanks, Osama. I blame you for all of this. Get out of your cave in Afghanistan, or Alabama, or Albania, and come take some responsibility for the destruction of the modern airline. Or else. This is your final warning!

-Li

We're college grads! Or, why you won't be hearing from us this weekend.

2009-05-15T11:54:00.000-07:00

This will be Lori all weekend.

I will be pleasantly drunk, yet still cool, fashionably hip, and reasonably in control.

Ahh, who are we kidding. See you on Tuesday, lovely readers!

-Li

Your Face Looks Freaky ... Or, Why Plastic Surgery is Nutty

2009-05-13T12:36:00.000-07:00

Plastic surgery. Addiction or lifestyle? It would seem to me that people would grasp the very basic concept of what looks 'good' or 'normal' and what is, alternatively 'crazy-looking' or 'alien-like' or 'horrifyingly unnatural.' Obviously, I overestimated people. Living in LA, one of the simple pleasures I find day to day is running into plastic surgery victims whilst performing daily tasks like grabbing lunch ... going to the dentist ... what have you. But as much as real people seem to be afflicted with this ridiculous disease of not realizing just how bonkers they look, celebrities seem to have it even worse. Homeboys and girls need a swift punch in the back of the head; a wakeup call with the loud and angry force of my brass knuckles.

...Totally kidding. About the brass knuckles at least. I WISH I could say the same thing for these plastic surgery crimes of nature.....

Case #1: The beach ball boobies

This photo highlights one of the few non-celebs on the list. She's just THAT good. I've named her Lareesha, and I will take her to the pool every day because if I'm ever drowning, all I'll need to do is shout is 'let me grab your breasts!' and I'll stay comfortably afloat.

Case #2: The male anti-ager

...and you thought females were the only ones crazy enough to hack up their face and replace it with Version 2.0: Younger and Crisper! I get such a kick out of the super-helpful soundbyte from a random doctor on this before and after photo series of the very unfortunate Rupert Everett. "This is an impressive difference!" Well, Dr. Glatt... what exactly is your definition of impressive?

Case #3: The young, misguided starlet

This finalist from the hit TV series "American Idol" clearly was listening to the wrong people. "Sure, you're in your mid-twenties, but damn girl, you're looking at LEAST 28! You should probably work on that." ...and work on that she did. Is there not an age minimum for botox and facelifts? There should be. Work on that.

Case #4: Mom said to do it!

Sure, we can't reaaaheally blame Joan Rivers' poor daughter Melissa for whatever upbringing she was subjected to from her nutty plastic-surgery addict of a mother. And in a similar vein, nor can we really blame her for wanting to emulate mamadukes. But really? Melissa, Melissa, Melissa. You could have just worn her clothes. *Also: doesn't she look a LOT like a Who from Who-ville? Really puts me in the holiday spirit.

Case #5: WHO are you? No. No way!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is our fair Ginger from Gilligan's Island. Poor, poor Ginger. When you got off that blasted island I'm sure you had no idea the doctors would attack your face like that. The next three hour tour leaves soon, I would recommend you get on it and hustle away from civilization ASAP.

Case #6: Maybe not plastic surgery, but still extremely frightening

I'll admit. Carrot Top always scared me. He scared me before his alleged face-altering and he scares me now. And nothing will change that. Go away, Carrot. (Is Carrot Top even a first and last name kind of situation???)

Case #7: Kittycat Syndrome

Unfortunately, when your face has been pulled so intensely into your hairline, after awhile, it pulls all your features to the edges of your face with it. Such a sad sight. So unavoidable. Meow!

Case #9: The face eating lips
Lisa Rinna. You beauty queen. Didn't anyone ever tell you to pick one feature and focus on it? Like, if you're going to inject your lips with so much poison they look like they will explode at any minute, you probbbably shouldn't have an eyelift, too. Overload.

Case #8: As if I could blog about plastic surgery and not include the originator

Hey! Guess what! When Michael Jackson was a kid, he used to both be black AND have a nose! Yea, I'm not lyin'! Google it! *Also: is that facial hair fake? What a time consuming morning routine THAT must be.

***

And because I couldn't imagine ending an entry about plastic surgery any other way than ANOTHER MJ treat......

FIN.

-Li

"WAHHHH" Or, Why Children Should Be Banned

2009-05-11T14:38:00.001-07:00

I'll admit. This syndrome I speak of, that of Highly-Irritated-By-Small-Children ... Syndrome, is quite possibly in fact hereditary. In fact, I suckled on a pacifier until age 7 because my mother couldn't stand the sound of a crying child. (In retrospect, I wonder why I ever gave up that satisfying habit.)

But seriously, folks. Children are a waste. Yeah, yeah. I grasp the general concept. Kids grow up to be mature, decision-making adults. 'They are our future' and all that crap. But they're our FUTURE, not our present! Presently, they're just shit-in-pants, crying, snotty (both literally and figuratively) little monsters. No, I'm not talking about YOUR kids. I'm sure they're precocious and delightful and completely not the norm. I'm talkin' about everyone ELSE's kids.

Above is an example of what my worst fear is whenever I board an airplane

A solution? I humbly propose some new governing laws by which America could be made a far better place.

1. No children in public between the hours of 6PM and 8AM. This makes life more bearable for the workers of the world. Mind your kid on your own time, moms (sorry- and dads! Grampas! Aunts! Caregivers!). When the sun sets; it's Adult Land. Meaning, unless its the early bird special, I don't want to see you or your kid frequenting the classy dining establishment I am [note: these rules obviously don't pertain to 'Kid Centric' locales such as but not limited to: Chuckie Cheese, daycare centers, and Toys 'R Us]

2. If you feel the need to bring your child out and about in the public forum, at least have the good graces to muzzle them and attach them to you via (very hysterical looking) kid-leash. But know, I will still be judging you.

3. If your child screams, cries, or otherwise attracts enough attention to disturb me from your daily life, take him away. Where? I don't particularly care. I hear Scotland is nice this time of year. Even better? Timbuktu.

4. Tweens. This could be a whole other post entirely, but I am aware I have not, nor will, specify ages on the 'child banning law.' Tweens could possibly considered a worse species subset than children altogether. What with their highly inappropriate need to feel like adults, or even the grating pitch of their un-pubertized voices, tweens should follow Rules #1-3.

[These are the faces of demons.]

So in conclusion, parents of America, do not take offense. These four simple rules will keep The Future Of America completely intact and ready for their time in the spotlight. However, that time is not now.

I leave you with a picture of this charming puppy, lest you forget what cute and precious things in this world actually look like.

-Li

Gifts for my BFF Lindsay! Help me decide America!

2009-05-10T18:54:00.000-07:00

As a blogologist, it is my duty to inform the inter-web of activities that not only are happening in my realm, but also the realm of celebrities. For those of you who are not familiar, Lindsay Dee Lohan (aka our BFFAE) has a birthday coming up July 2nd (eeeeeeeep!) and I need your help deciding what to get for her!!!! I know this is exciting America, but keep it in your skivies. I have provided a list of gifts that all seem like something Lindsay could use and most certainly does not have!!

(Lindsay - Over the Shoul.)

Gift #1- The Food Focuser.

It's no secret Lindsay has a short attention span, and a hard time focusing on the food put in front of her. She is a BUSY BEE! This way Lindsay can dodge those Anorexia rumors and really put her mind where her mouth is!

Gift #2- The Sam. Ron. Proto Type.

We have all been a victim of the Sam. Ron. Lin. Lo. breakup factor. I think this would really help Lindsay, and America, get through the hard times... and the recession.

Gift #3- Hangover Hard Hat

A picture is worth a thousand words... and well THIS would prevent...

THIS!

Gift #4- Boobie's for Boys!

Lindsay likes boys, but Lindsay also likes Boobies. I think this is a real winner of an option.

Gift #5- Vending Machine Dress

This is used as a form of protection in Japan. But I think it's a real get-a-way

from those paparazzi. They are dumb as bricks! And this way they can stay hydrated!

Gift #6- Finger Plates!

I think this will go along well with the food concentrator (Gift #1) option. Rehabilitation comes gradually, and this will be perfect for all of those fancy receptions she goes to. This way it just looks like a mini ring burger, and she can hold two glasses of wine still!

Gift #7- The "ME" camera extender!

This is pretty self- explainatory. No jokes about this guy.

(OVER THE SHOUL!)

HAPPY B-DAY LINZ!

-Lo.

Stars! Theyr'e Just Like Us! : Or, Why Paparazzi Are The Scum of the Earth

2009-05-09T19:14:00.000-07:00

Let me begin by saying "duh."

Paparazzi.Ick! [Note: to any potential paparazzo reading ... I think you're swell, I really do. Click "X" Now.] I am not a celebrity, nor do I have any proximity closer to them than happening to live in the same city. I claim nothing more.

But after working in the media industry + living in LA + going to the grocery stores to see rack upon rack of paparazzi shots of celebrities with made-up backstories boldly glaring with neon headlings....

It would appear to me that our society is on a downward spiral - nay, a freefall - towards pure waste of thoughts and air and idolatry, that we may soon implode.

IMPLODE!

What kind of barbaric, self-satisfying population are we where we care about 'celebs' so much so that taking pictures of them merely driving a car ... eating lunch ... walking a street ... or, as my absolute FAVORITE magazine, Us Weekly so proudly publishes evey week would say; "Stars: They're Just Like Us."

The above photo, of the delightful major motion picture actress "Uma Thurman," was accompanied by the charming and boldy assertive quote in Us Weekly: "Stars! They're just like us! They pack their own trunks!" .... Duh. Granted, lovely Uma seems to have an assistant hovering over her shoulder looking like she's quite upset that Uma is, in fact, packing her own trunk, but nonetheless....

THIS IS REALITY, PEOPLE.

I say we revolt! Close our eyes at every mundane paparazzi shot accompanied by lies! It is rotting our brains, our children's brains ... the minds of tomorrow are, right now, being reduced to mush from reading too many celebrity tabloids. This cannot go on.

VIVA LA REVOLUCION.

I admit, I'm no better, nor is this preaching from a soapbox any higher than my humble readers. My office gets subscriptions to People, Us Weekly, and OK! Magazine every week and I eat them up like candy. Horrible, horrible, mind-rotting, rich-people-idolizing candy.

And it tastes like strawberry kiwi.

Daisy Ain't Got Shit On Me. VOTE AMERICA!

2009-05-08T21:09:00.000-07:00

Dear VH1,

I have had enough. This little game between you and I has gone on long enough. After months of negotiation hard ball, I am coming to you with an offer, America's blog readers as my witness.

I bring to you The Untitled "10 Guys Will Fall In Love of Lori G But She Will Choose Only One To Go Then Break Up With So He Can Then Get His Own Reality Show" Project.

I demand the rights to Executive Produce, Story Edit, Host, and Star in this original reality hit.

I have also provided you with the following contestants, this will cut down on your budget as far as casting and deal negotiations, considering all of the following men have already signed waivers to participate only for the winnings of my love. Please approve the following.

"Etch A Sketch"

There is something very vulgar yet sensitive about

this man that I felt would be appealing to America. Keep in mind

VH1 that not only do I have my best interest in mind

but also the best interest of your viewers, and it goes without

saying he will be America's sweetheart.

"Big Blue"

Big Blue is a father of six and a grandfather of thirteen.

If that doesn't scream, we will live Happily Ever After. I am not sure what does.

Plus, If I had to pick a football team to like, I guess it would be the Giants.

And his wife told me I am the only woman he has ever

offered to lend his coat to.

LOVE.

"4 Wheels"

You know, I swore off boys on skateboards in 6th grade

and have stayed pretty true to that promise ever since.

But times are changing, clogs are back in style, and apparently

tee shirts that look like fake tuxedos are too.

I like this guy's style, I mean, check out his wolf hat.

(I think it's a Twilight promo!)

"Bo"

Alright so every dating show now comes standardly equipped with

the androgynous contestant, right? It appeals to some sort of secret fetish

Americans don't want to admit that they have. Plus this "person" plays some

strange instrument which is both intriguing and incredibly sexy.

Anyone that plays any instrument is sexy.

Plus this will make for GREAT tv.

"Run DMC"

These guys are just plain hot. And their mom's would

only let them sign up together so, WIN WIN!

"Paco"

I thought it would be ironic to call nickname him Paco.

Paco is a Harvard Law School Grad and has opened his own

multi million dollar

Panty Liner business called, "Safe to Go".

Even if it doesn't work out with Paco, at least I will have

made a rich friend with a private jet.

"12 Pack"

Alright VH1, let's face it. If I didn't do it, you were going to.

"Shoe Cleaner"

Shoe Cleaner has been working at Yum Yum Donuts for

2 years and just bought a 1996 Mustang Convertible with his savings.

I think he is a great representation of the American Dream.

And aren't we all just trying to live the American Dream?

Viewers will really be able to relate to Shoe Cleaner.

"Colonel Robert E. Lee"

Rumor on the street is this guy lives in a castle.

A legitimate castle in the Catskills.

Why would he be wearing that coat if he didn't live in a castle.

Word on the street is this man once sha-boinked Harriet Tubman.

And that is just groundbreaking for their time. I just want him on my show

for the support of interracial dating history.

AND.... BINK!

Now the program is also educational!!

(I would have had Mr. Rogers on the show but he is signing onto Celebrity Bachelorette)

"Captain Kirk"

If you ask me this guy looks like a HUGE bore. But we needed

one more contestant, so I was like,

"ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

Well thank you VH1 for your time and support. America please place your votes in the comment section as to who you hope will win The Untitled "10 Guys Will Fall In Love of Lori G But She Will Choose Only One To Go Then Break Up With So He Can Then Get His Own Reality Show" Project.

-Lo.

(78.3% of photos are a derivative of http://www.viceland.com/int/dd.php?id=418)

WARNING. THE SEVERITY OF THIS POST IS STRESSED.

2009-05-07T10:43:00.000-07:00

I am concerned that the general public might not understand the magnitude of criminalism that goes along with the preceding post. In order to really hit a nerve, I have supplied all of you with the following images that may disturb you. If you are at all offended, or disturbed by the torture of small animals please do not scroll down. This is your third and final warning.

The first problem here, this image was found entitled "Winner".

This dog is not dancing. Nor is he jumping for joy. This dog is attempting an escape

from the horrors of his every day life. Please help these small animals.

This is just offensive. This dog is a fairy. No wonder this dog has daddy issues.

Okay. I have a personal vendetta with this one. The only reason being it stole mine and Liza's over the shoulder photo pose. Clearly we Lindsay Lohan snagged this first you pansy panty-less slut.

-Lo.

Tiny Puppies in Tutus, or, Why Beverly Hills Residents Are Criminally Insane

2009-05-07T08:59:00.000-07:00

Let it be known that I am a judgmental person. Let it also be known that if you judge me for saying this, you are as well, so you simply can't win. However, there are moments and occasions when I truly feel as if the world should be more judgmental so that tragic occurences like Tiny Puppies in Tutu's cannot be acceptable in any realm of the imagination.

Since moving to Los Angeles, I have encountered at least five of these such occurences. Five! Separate puppies! Wearing tutus! I have gathered that the rules of TPiT (Tiny Puppies in Tutu's- keep up) are as follows:

1. owner must live within 5 miles of the Beverly Hills zip code

2. dog must be smaller than 10 pounds

3. owner must be cruel and unusual to force their pet into this kind of punishment

On my drive to work every morning through Bev Hills, I encounter a woman, at 8:15 AM no less, walking her dog in full ballerina attire. The dog, not the woman- (she at least has SOME shred of dignity left, no matter how small). My question to the world is: WHY. Did the dog sleep in its costume? Does it insist on being walked only after it's performed a complete recital for its owners and or neighbors?

The pressing issue here is: how do we, as civil-minded residents of the adjoining areas in which this occurence is most frequent- prevent such acts? Has PETA not stepped in? ASPCA? Is this really totally ok? Granted, I'm not here as a Dog Right's Advocate. That's for another place and time. However, if my poor little Cheagle (thats half Beagle half Chihahuha, obviously) was ever forced to wear a ridiculous ballerina get-up, my only assumption is that he would promptly shit on my floor in retaliation. AS HE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DO, as this is the only form of communication dogs have to tell you when you're being absolutely retahded.

Moral of the story: well, there is none. Take this knowledge as you will, but I urge you, bold reader, to take a stand against the immorality of dogs forced into a ballet career they simply don't have the passions or dreams for.

Let the dogs be dogs! Force your snotty children into ballet instead; perhaps it will dissuade them from a lifetime of drug usage and violence. Either way, they have the opposable thumbs to toss the tutu off if they don't like it.

-Li

Its a Riot Riot! (so bring your transparent umbrella)

2009-05-06T14:21:00.000-07:00

Well I hope you are all as enthused with the success of the business transaction that has become the Snark and Beans Project. For all of you who love and enjoy the company and humor of Lori and Liza, congratulations, it is available at your finger tips. For those of you who are partial, well... maybe Bristol Palin has a blog that might better suit your needs. This blog will make you laugh, cry, wipe your sleeve with snot, and then bring you back to the beginning. So hold onto your man thong cuz its gunna be a wet and slimey sleeve day. Kleenex not included.

Here is just a small sample of the horrifying thoughts that travel through my mind at rapid light speed. This was what I managed to collect in the milky way of it all.

Things Life Has Yet To Shed The Light Of Day On.

Why Jay and Silent Bob have their own retail outlet yet Nora Jones doesn’t even get her own shelf at Borders.

Why anyone I went to high school with has yet to recognized my breakthrough role in this Christmas’ blockbuster “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”.

How a fax machine works, really this should be my number one inquiry.

Why anyone would want to compare the sacred parts of their body to a delicious item of Mexican cuisine, for instance Tacos.

Why only old people are associated with bingo, really this is just unfair.

Why Canada cannot be one with the U.S.

Bache.

Those state reports you did in 5th grade.

Tupac Shakur.

Those Goldfish with the puffy eyes.

Goldfish that are not gold, yet black with silver specs.

Molly Pitcher.

Why the stethoscope?

The popularly used catch phrase ‘Get er dun?” Is that some sort of sexual innuendo, because if so women should be in much more of a riot than I have recently perceived.

Cannibalism.

Giraffe sex.

Why people like to watch other people eat cow balls on television.

Why Chelsea Handler is allowed to flaunt her mouth all over television, yet we are young and vibrant (and have much perkier breasts) yet we are disregarded.

How they have successfully kept the endless soup salad and breadsticks Olive Garden special a secret from the homeless.

Why people are offended by my sarcasm.

Why I just had to use spell check to spell sarcasm.

And the mystery of the man who mentored this small child:

-Lo.

It's an epidemic...

2009-05-06T13:59:00.000-07:00

...Blogging, that is. And what could my partner and crime possibly want more than to get infected with The Virus? No 'swine flu' here. Just good old fashioned social media, folks.

Welcome to our new blog. We hope you enjoy it! If you don't, to be honest, we don't want to hear it. Why? 'Cause that's the kinda gals we are. Glass half full- better believe it!

In this blog, in the coming days, weeks, and we could only assume, years, we will outline a new lifestyle. A better lifestyle. That of the snarker. Too often in this society we impressionable and ignorant young people take everything at face value. Well no more, you hear that America? No more! We hope to rip those tedious, yawn-inducing social norms to shreds. We will hold nothing back, take no prisoners, and declare war upon the dumbasses, losers, and idiotic events and ideals the world over.

Lofty goals? Nah, we're Snark 'n Beans. Nothing is too lofty, even for a couple of 5'4 white girls.

HERE WE ARE. YOU'RE WELCOME, WORLD.

-Li